Good Karma, Bad Karma
by juliagulia1017
Summary: [ON HIATUS] Hinata's been treated like dirt by her family for far too long. Fate steps in and decides it's high time that the Hyuugas got to meet her violent alter ego, Black Hinata! CHARACTERS OOC!
1. Why It Had To Happen

_This is a somewhat reposted fic... I didn't think this site would delete my story for using the word 'bitch' in the title... All I have to say is, BAH! They did. Poopies, man. Anyways, here is my story again, with just a few changes added here and there... I must say, getting suspended from my account sucked ass. I should take guidelines more seriously from now on. No more fucking around, heh heh heh... _

_Big thanks to all my reviewers: InuBecka, kafwinn, BlackFeatherz29, blackkeyblade, Kichou, Majia, MingShun, Cyberwing, Tsukino Fujina, The Gandhara, Ao Hana, kyoharu-chan, Stonebridge, wayfarer-redemption, Usagi-mun, Midnight-sama, Warfles, otakualways, Psycho Spaghetti, Shinta Azechi, Anime/Manga lubber, PowerManEX, madnarutofan, Sorelina, magerm, Badger Nin, Hiei's Cute Girl, mI.ShOe, Kayume-Shinigami, bad, sleepy kitty, Travis Lock, Random Person, The Black Hinata Fanclub, Baka Zero, Skinny, Dark Naruto, Jester12, Jem, gclp, Uzamaki-Girl, Irsool, Sevetenks the Ultimate Fusion, wolfridermoon, Nanthakon V2.3 - DDR... I hope you will continue to support me and my li'l story. Truly it's been a wonderful experience for me, and I hope to keep you (and future fans -) entertained with my wild and wacky ideas! _

_"Karma Is A Bitch" is now officially under its new title, "Good Karma, Bad Karma." _

_Disclaimer: I do not own "Naruto" or "Fruits Basket" or their affiliated characters.

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She was a gentle, kind, soft-spoken and shy young woman; the aspects of her character that her demanding father absolutely abhorred. He wanted her to be a ruthless tactician, one who could easily overtake her enemies with the trademark cold stare that most Hyuugas had adopted over the years. Neji and Hanabi lived up to all his expectations, why the hell couldn't Hinata do the same?

The man pushed his seventeen-year old daughter beyond her limits hoping to change something within her, but the young woman wasn't as perfect with the Hyuuga-style jutsus as he would have liked. Damn! She would not be an efficient heiress to their noble Clan if she continued at this pitiful rate. Hinata was 99.9 percent accurate with her technique. Hiashi demanded 100 percent, if not more.

"Why are you so pathetic?" He screamed at Hinata for the umpteenth time that day and smacked the back of her head, effectively knocking her over into a kneeling position. Older cousin Neji frowned agreeably. Younger sister Hanabi crossed her arms and smirked in the distance. _'The title of heiress is MINE,' _she thought impertinently. Hinata sat there, feeling defeated, as Hiashi continued to throw smacks and insults the poor girl _thought_ she deserved.

What the trio of asinine haters _didn't_ know was that Fate was about to step in and cause a ruckus within the prim, upper crust, 'we-look-down-on-you-if-you-aren't-us' society of the Hyuuga clan.

Hinata was about to go ballistic. And it was about damn time, too.

Fate, in her personal opinion, thought that if someone as sweet and as cute as Hinata was born into the lives of the haughty Hyuugas, they would come to appreciate the goodness that surrounded her being and let it warm their cold hearts. After all, she _was _named for her sunny disposition. And for a while, things had been very good. Hinata was _adorable._ Even little Neji was happy with his new playmate. And issues between the Head and Branch families seemed to be getting resolved slowly but surely. Everyone cooed at how precious Hinata-sama was.

Unfortunately, some asses from Lightning Country had tried to kidnap little Hinata in order to obtain the secrets of the Byakugan and they ended up ruining everything. And since one of their own ninja had been killed, they wanted retribution or else they'd start a war with Konoha. We all knew what happened after that (just watch Episode 61 if you've forgotten, or ask Neji- whichever is easiest). Really, the entire family decided to blame this sort of misfortune on a defenseless 4-year old girl. Since then, Hinata has been mercilessly ostracized and criticized by her snobby family.

Oh yeah. Going back to the ballistic thing.

Hinata was an angel. She _never_ (in all her 17-years of living) dropped the F-bomb, consistently told the truth, treated the elderly with proper reverence and respect, always shared with others, made homemade jams and hand-knit clothes for the needy- you get the point. She was too damn nice. But now that was all about to change.

Maybe you've seen the anime (or read the manga series) "Fruits Basket". Perhaps you've heard of Hatsuharu, the (very) hot and hunky Ox of the Zodiac curse-afflicted Sohma family. You see, our Hinata is _also _afflicted with two different personalities, White and Black. Fate rubbed her manicured hands together and decided that White Hinata had been in control long enough. Black Hinata wasn't going to let White Hinata take shit from the Hyuugas ever again. It was time to introduce the family to Black Hinata and be taken down a few VERY painful notches.

Black Hinata had only one thing on her mind:

Revenge.


	2. How It All Began

_Characters portrayed in ficcie are OOC! Please do not flame me if your favorite character is misrepresented in any way, shape or form.

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_

The two cousins looked on as Hiashi continued his abuse of Hinata.

"Geez. I can't believe I'm related to _that_ mess," said Hanabi and Neji simultaneously. The two looked at each other in surprise and smiled awkwardly, having never actually practiced a smile in years. It was an eerie thing to watch, if you happened to be in the vicinity. Very disturbing.

"Neji-nii-san- why don't we leave Father and the Reject for a moment and look through Hinata o_nee-san_'s (she said o_nee-san_ as if it were something vile) candy stash?" offered rotten little Hanabi.

"As you wish, Hanabi-sama," said Neji, coolly. He extended his arm as he escorted his younger cousin towards Hinata's room, leaving Hiashi and Hinata alone on the training grounds.

Hinata sat numbly as her father continued his assault on her head.

The insults just kept on coming. "You stupid," **SMACK** "good-for-nothing," **SMACK** "disgraceful," **SMACK **"inadequate" **SMACK **"waste of genes," **SMACK **"How dare you" **SMACK **"embarrass me" **SMACK **"by calling yourself" **SMACK **"a HYUUGA?"**-**

And before Hiashi could deliver that last blow, something stirred within Hinata. Her left eye began to twitch uncontrollably. Hyuuga. Hyuuga. Hyuuga. **HYUUGA**! That damn name! It began to bother the living shit out of her. Suddenly, she felt a strange shifting of power and transcendence taking over her entire being. Hinata had never experienced such empowerment in her entire life. She reveled in it.

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_Author side note: Hinata is unaware of her two personalities. Let's just entertain ourselves with the notion that regular Hinata can feel a change whenever she goes from White to Black or vice-versa. White Hinata doesn't know what Black Hinata does, Black Hinata doesn't know what White Hinata does. All this time, you've seen White Hinata in the anime and manga. Pretend, yeah? So please, expect a few awkward moments when her character changes._

_Now back to the story…

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_

Black Hinata (yup, she's gone Black!) felt the presence of a large hand approaching from behind and the beginnings of a pain-induced migraine. She stopped Hiashi's hand from making contact with her already sore cranium.

She grabbed Hiashi's wrist. Without turning around to see his astonished face, she spoke in a slightly lower, yet even tone (Yup, you guessed it. Black Hinata doesn't stutter). "Hey, Asshole. What... the... **fuck...** is your problem?"

Hiashi was PISSED. NO ONE spoke to him with that foul language! He struggled with Hinata's grasp on his wrist. Where did his daughter _get_ this new level of strength? Using his free hand he pointed an accusatory finger in her face. "HINATA! How _dare_ you speak to your father in such an insolent tone!"

Finally, Black Hinata turned around as her grip tightened. Hiashi suppressed a gasp. _This_ was his daughter? No friggin' way! Where was the fear in her eyes? These eyes were wild and scary, like a caged lunatic! (One eye was still twitching, by the way.)

Black Hinata rose to her feet, ignoring the tired protest of her legs (because sitting on your haunches while receiving a beating _probably_ wasn't a very comfortable position to stay in).

"Why? What are you going to do, _Father Dearest_? Punish me?" Black Hinata said, laughing maniacally.

There was something ominous about this situation that caused Hiashi to sweat nervously. There was no one around to help him. He tried tugging his arm free.

"Um, Hinata? Daughter?" He said placatingly. "I… uh… eeeyaah-ah-ahh…" (Black Hinata was crushing his wrist) "I DEMAND you let go of me this second!… Yeah…" He tried to sound forceful, but he was in PAIN! He couldn't make any hand seals to defend himself in the current position he was in. Desperately, he used words that were foreign to his tongue. He even tried to make his voice sound soft, sugary and loving, hoping his daughter would fall for his trick. "Hinata, Please? Please let go of Daddy's hand, Sweetheart."

Black Hinata gave her father an amused look, snorting ridiculously. _'Sweetheart? Is this guy for real?' _she asked herself. "No..." Then remembering her manners, she sneered the last part, "…_Thank you_." Then her face scrunched up into a deliciously evil smirk as she, without further warning, used her ninjutsu to snap her father's wrist in two.

Hiashi was howling in pain and clutching his now broken wrist. The screams awakened the more compassionate side of White Hinata, as alter egos switched once again.

White Hinata gasped seeing her father writhing on the dusty ground in agony. She quickly scanned the courtyard looking for the culprit who perpetrated the attack. White Hinata kneeled before her father, a worried look upon her visage.

"F-F-Father! Are you a-a-alright? Did you s-see who d-did this to you? P-please, allow m-me to look at your i-injury!" She activated her Byakugan to scan his body for any other injuries. Luckily her father suffered only from the carpal injury.

The Hyuuga figurehead, hearing his daughter's airy and timid voice, watched her, flabbergast _'Oh my GOD- is she BIPOLAR?'_ he thought to himself, his apprehension increasing at a staggering rate. So shocked was he, in fact, that he didn't notice that Hinata had taken the liberty of taking and fixing his wrist with a medicinal jutsu and was wrapping it with a bandage.

She pat the newly healed appendage gingerly. "A-all b-better! Shall I kiss it?" she asked sweetly. Then her eyes clouded over for a moment before her look darkened considerably.

Hiashi could only look in horror as the innocent look on his daughter's face morphed into that of a demented killer.

"Ha ha! Kiss THIS!" said Black Hinata, yanking Hiashi's wrist and propelling the man forward as her fist connected with his mouth, sending him flying several feet into the air. (She packs quite a punch!) Black Hinata then jumped up and scissor-kicked her father in the gut, watching with a strange fascination as a mixture of saliva and blood emerged from his mouth as his body bounced several times on the floor. She walked toward the prone figure lying on the ground. She poked her finger into the side of his bruised cheek. "C'mon, Asshole, get up. Wakey wakey!" she said in a singsong voice.

She huffed. How irritating.

"C'mon, _Daddy,_" she said tauntingly, as she struck his injured side with her foot. "Don't you have any fight left in you? I still want to _play_."


	3. Never Underestimate Your Opponent

"Aww, Daddy," pouted Black Hinata. "You're no fun." Sensing that her father wasn't going to get up anytime soon, she began to walk away to find other things to do.

She stopped when she found some interesting things lying in the dirt. "Ooh... presents for me" Black Hinata cooed, taking the shiny objects in her hand. She pocketed them quickly and skipped (yes, skipped- you'd skip, too, if you just kicked your abusive dad's ASS and had one heckuva good time doing it) back towards the Main House entrance to put her new find away.

In the meantime, Hiashi had been playing possum until he was absolutely sure Hinata was gone. He painfully activated his Byakugan (he broke two of his fingers when he crashed to the ground) and scanned the entire area to see if Hinata was out of sight. He breathed a shaky sigh of relief and winced at the throbbing pain coursing through his entire body. That was when he noticed the coppery tang of blood slowly filling his mouth.

"Oh, My-_Lanta,_" said Hiashi worriedly. What in seven hells did his daughter do to him? He began to count the number of teeth in his lower jaw with his tongue. "1, 2… ahh, 16. Ahh… Good, good. Perfect number of teeth…" Then the Clan Head began to count the ones on his upper jaw. "1, 2, 3, GAP, 4, 5, GAP, **GAP**, 6, 7, …13? No, this cannot be happening to me!"

The shock of this discovery caused the man to lose his marbles. If you can do the math, Hiashi only had 29 out of 32 pearly whites (actually... they weren't pearly white at the moment, but a diluted bloody pink. Ooh, what a pretty color!).

"That lunatic knocked some of my teeth out!" Hiashi crouched on all fours as he frantically combed the floor of the courtyard in search of the missing ivories. "Ooh, when I get my hands on her, I'll, I'll KILL her! NO! I'm going to brand her with the curse seal and THEN I'm going to KILL HER!"

Meanwhile, up in Hinata's room, Neji was busy popping sour candies into his mouth while Hanabi took gluttonous bites into each one of her sister's prized Godiva chocolate truffles. In between mouthfuls the two would talk smack about their weaker relative (bits of candy would spray out of their mouths as they spoke- damn, no sense of propriety here, folks), neither of them realizing the dangerous situation they had unwittingly placed themselves in.

However, as luck would have it for the younger Hyuuga, the chocolates had disagreed with Hanabi's stomach as she pushed past her older cousin and made a mad dash toward the bathroom with a severe case of diarrhea, causing him to spill some of the tart treats all over Hinata's polished wooden floor.

* * *

_Author's Note: Don't you find the spelling of diarrhea amusing? I do! Anyways, pardon my interruption…_

_Another Note: (I can't help myself…) Damn, Neji is so hot... - Too bad he'll get jacked pretty soon...

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_

Now Hanabi, in her haste to relieve herself of her sudden case of water dookie, had left the door to her sister's room ajar, and minutes later a seething Black Hinata was standing in the doorway, clenching and unclenching her fists in a spasmodic rage as she evaluated the entire scene before her.

Empty candy wrappers were strewn about every corner of her room. Chocolate handprints had been smudged all over her pristine white bed sheets and walls. There were flecks of sugary spittle everywhere! And right now, Neji's back was towards her as he sat on his haunches, eating her favorite sour watermelon candies off her floor! Black Hinata was positively LIVID.

Neji had felt Hinata's presence and smirked as he continued to munch away on the tasty gummies. (If he had his Byakugan activated, he would've seen the murky black charka emanating from her entire body… she was THAT mad!)

"Hinata-_sama,_" he said nastily. Even after Hiashi (albeit reluctantly) brought the truth surrounding the reason of his father's passing to light, he still refused to believe that his cousin wasn't in any way responsible for what had happened that night thirteen years ago. True, tormenting Hinata on a daily basis wasn't going to bring his father back, but he derived a sick pleasure watching her fall short in everyone's eyes. Hinata wasn't going to amount to anything, least of all a future Clan Leader.

_'Who would want to look up to a no-talent scaredy-cat like her?'_ thought the Hyuuga prodigy. _'The only thing she's good at is gardening, making medicines (though I'll never admit that openly), cooking, and picking candy. Damn, these watermelon things are GOOD!'_

He popped another tangy piece into his mouth and cocked his head to the side as he wondered what he would have to do to make Hinata angry enough to fight him again. The last time had been during the Chuunin Preliminaries, and she had been waay too easy to defeat. _'Pfft,'_ he thought. _'Not like she could hit me or anything, that weak brat. I **AM **the Hyuuga Genius, after all. **And** it took 4 jonins to stop me from killing her…'_ A fact that he was inwardly proud of, too.

"Hey, I'm eating your candy, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. If you try to stop me, I'll just have to demonstrate a repeat of what I did to you during the Chuunen Exa-"

**"FUCK YOU, NEJI, YOU SONUVABITCH! YOU ATE ALL MY CANDY! TWO THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!"**

Hatake Kakashi's One Thousand Years Of Pain jutsu had been a simple poke in the ass. Hinata's new jutsu, Two Thousand Years Of Pain had every deceased Hyuuga male rolling in their graves. Yes, my dear readers, Black Hinata punted our boy Neji **HARD **in the groin.

"Oh, Mother!" he squeaked. Neji's eyes widened as stars exploded behind his eyes. The pain was so intense he couldn't scream. He cupped his injured genitalia and felt a warm, sticky wetness in his hands. He lifted a shaky hand to his face and fainted dead away as he realized what had just occurred.

Black Hinata, suffice it to say, had turned Neji into a one-egger. Unfortunately for Neji, she wasn't quite finished with him yet…


	4. Neji's Hell pt 1

When Neji regained consciousness, he was surprised to find himself lying upright on a rather bumpy wooden table. He groaned. _'Man, I've got a splitting headache!'_ he thought.

He attempted to raise his hands to massage his aching temples but to no avail. His arms were restrained! That's when he noticed the elaborate web of string holding everything from his neck down in place. Someone even took great care in securing his fingers against the table as well. He struggled against his bonds, but the damned threads kept getting tighter and tighter!

Who did this? What the hell was going on? When did this all happen? Where was he, anyway? And why did he hurt **_EVERYWHERE_**?

He looked up and saw a dim light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Aside from that, the whole room was suspiciously dark. He felt like he was in an interrogation room of sorts… He scowled. He'd make sure the person, or persons, responsible for this would pay dearly.

He craned his neck and saw that half of his body was covered in bruises and bandages. But that wasn't the worse of it. His lower extremities were covered by what appeared to be a large diaper made out of plaster!

He began to sweat nervously as he began to remember what happened back at Hinata's room- he had eaten her candy and in retribution she delivered a severe kick to his hoo-hahs. Right before he blacked out. Oh God, if Hinata could do _that_ to him, what else did she have planned?

He whimpered. Yes, the Hyuuga Prodigy was WHIMPERING! "Oh, Jesus… this is bad. This is SO bad!" he said, while shaking his head in disbelief. Was there anything left _in_ his pants? He couldn't exactly _sense_ their presence…

"It _IS _bad, isn't it, Nii-kun? Poor, poor Neji nii-kun," Black Hinata purred as she blew the residue from her newly filed nails.

He froze as he raised his eyes and saw his cousin sitting prettily in a chair 10 feet away from him with her legs crossed. Her midnight blue tresses, which she had been growing out to reach her mid-back, had been cut in a messy, choppy bob just above her shoulders. She had long since changed out of her training clothes and into a form-fitting black leather jumpsuit and black stiletto boots. The material looked like it was _poured_ onto her body.

Black Hinata knew she looked hot. She had no idea _why_ she had a closet full of oversized fur-trimmed anoraks and black capris. They made her look too... conservative (in other words frumpy)! She uncrossed her legs, opting to cross them in the opposite direction. She nearly gagged as her cousin's eyes roamed over her entire body. Boys and their hormones. Go figure.

Neji's mouth went dry. _'This is what Hinata was hiding underneath that jacket of hers? What a figure!' _Then he winced as his body began to naturally react to seeing a curvaceous woman in tight clothing. _'Oh God, I'm attracted to Hinata all of a sudden? It's the leather… it's got to be the leather… and that chest! Oh shit...' _

As blood began to fill in that area, Neji realized the painful predicament he was in. His Little Neji hurt 10,000 times worse than before, and not only that, but well, it really had no room to move since it was straining agonizingly against the mortar container it was in…

Neji closed his eyes. _'Don't look at Hinata, don't look at Hinata…'_ he chanted in his head. _'Think ugly, think ugly… Gai-sensei! His haircut! His green bodysuit! His smile! His eyebrows! His creepy voice!' _He sighed in relief. He would keep his thoughts focused on Gai-sensei until this was all over.

Whatever _this _was. And whenever _this _ended. Thinking of Gai-sensei was starting to give him the chills.

Black Hinata watched her cousin with mild interest. First, it seemed like he had found her alluring. And somehow, he had managed to successfully divert his attention onto something else, but what?

"Nii-kun, penny for your thoughts?" she asked cutely. She tossed the nail file to the side as she got up from her chair and walked towards her cousin, rubbing her hands against his chest in circles. He hated to admit it felt _very _nice. Neji held his breath and opened his eyes just a fraction. Black Hinata was pouting and batting her eyelashes playfully. A small stream of blood found its way out of his nose.

"Oh GOD! _Yamero, Hinata-sama..._" he said under his breath before sniffling the blood back up his nostrils. "C'mon, think of Gai-sensei… Don't look at Hinata… **_YAMERO, HINATA-SAMA, MATTE KUDOSAI…_**" he begged helplessly, tears pooling in his eyes. (His groin hurt like hell, damn it!)

Black Hinata cackled into the back of her hand. Watching Neji cry was too much, but not enough. "Ohohohoho! Henge no Jutsu!" she cried happily.

When the smoke cleared, Neji reopened his eyes and began to convulse madly against his restraints.

"Nii-kun, please! You don't like this?' she asked, while placing small kisses on his face. She tried hard not to flinch in disgust as she did this. This was her cousin, for goodness sakes! "I thought this was something you wanted! Don't you think I'm _pretty_?" She smiled brightly at Neji.

"**NOOOOOO! DON'T TOUCH ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!" **he screamed, as his mouth began to foam. Small lacerations began to appear all over his body as he continued to move against his restraints. He even tried to bite his own tongue off! He was _that _desperate to get out of this situation!

_'Oh geez,'_ thought Black Hinata_. 'If he keeps that up, he's going to tear himself to pieces… Well, there goes my fun…'_ She thwacked him hard upside the head, cut off his restraints, hoisted her comatose cousin onto her shoulders, and poofed them into his bedroom. She unceremoniously dumped him into his bed and walked towards the door.

On her way out, she noticed his vanity mirror. (Yes, Neji has a vanity mirror, as well as a large assortment of expensive hair care products from Kerastase and one Mason Pearson brush.) She took a peek. "Ew, gross!" she said to no one in particular. And just to test the theory running through her mind, she smiled into the mirror and was nearly blinded by the whiteness of her (his) teeth.

"MY EYES! Dang, Gai overdoes it with the Crest Whitestrips!" she said, rubbing her milky white orbs furiously. When she blinked them back open, she laughed contentedly at the goofy looking face staring back at her (Gai _does_ have a funny face...) She made a few more mooky Gai faces and poses in the mirror before she un-Henge'd her jutsu and walked back toward the Main House to make some wicked arrangements for her beloved baby sister.


	5. Neji's Hell pt 2

Black Hinata had nearly made it to her private quarters, but the closer she got to her bathroom, the smellier it got.

_'Good Lord,'_ she thought, plugging her nose. _'Someone's taking a massive shit in MY bathroom!' _Indeed, groans, grunts, sighs, and the sounds of the occasional Hershey squirt could be heard from outside the door. Quite frankly, Black Hinata thought she was going to vomit.

She ran to a window, took a deep breath of fresh air, ran back to the bathroom door and activated her Byakugan to see who was inside, and lo and behold, who could it be but her bratty little sister, the bane of her existence, Hanabi. Momentarily she forgot about the foul smell as she took a good look at her sister's face. Her eyes turned into the size of dinner plates as a humongous vein appeared on her forehead.

_'Ok, either Hanabi's been eating poo or she **ATE MY ENTIRE BOX OF GODIVA CHOCOLATES!**'_ she thought, cracking her knuckles in distaste. _'That **BITCH!** She is soooo **DEAD**!'_ Black Hinata then paused. _'Kill her now, or kill her later?'_ She opted for the latter choice. The smell was waaay too offensive for her to handle. _'**DAMN**! I hope she'll at least light a **match** after she's done! Or at least make a courtesy flush in between dumps! **WHOO! SMELLY! GOD, THAT'S NASTY!**' _

She exhaled and went into her room and found that it had been left as it was- messy, messy, messy. "Eat MY candy without MY permission? Asshole relatives…" she grumbled under her breath as she gathered her dirty bed sheets and comforter and dumped them into a laundry bin.

"Damn, there's sugar all over the floor, too…" she griped, as her boots trekked over the tacky surface. _'Stupid family… always ruining things, getting in the way of my happiness, disrespecting me… I wish there were some easy way to get them off my back for good!' _she thought as she headed out into the hallway. Right now, she was in NO mood to clean.

She recollected a time when her uncle had tried to inflict harm upon her… _'Father just LOOKED at Uncle and he started to spazz out… Yeah… that cursed seal comes in handy sometimes… I wish I could put my own seal on them… that would teach those bastards to leave me alone!' _Black Hinata thought for a second- _'Hey, why the hell not?'_ and grinned as she poofed into her Father's room, easily slipping by all the Main House guards.

She opened a chest revealing all types of ancient Hyuuga family scrolls. _'Hmm… this box looks like it should be deeper,' _she figured, as she measured the dimensions of the box. Removing the contents, she ran her fingers along the sides and found a latch revealing a secret compartment.

Black Hinata unraveled the scroll (which had been conveniently labeled "Cursed Seal Technique") and studied its contents. _'I think I can try to modify this procedure a bit…'_ She bit into her finger drawing blood. She placed her bloody thumbprint next to her father's own. The crimson liquid pooled into the invisible grooves of the ancestral text accepting Black Hinata as its new mistress._ 'Oh yeah, things ought to get interesting around here!'_

She tucked the scroll away and placed everything back to where she had found them. _'Hmmm…' _she thought. _'I'll need a guinea pig… Hanabi? No, not quite yet… I have other plans for her.'_

So instead…

She poofed back into Neji's room.

* * *

_Author's Note: I love Neji, I really do…_

* * *

Neji, who happened to be having a nightmare ABOUT Gai-sensei was muttering his name in his sleep. 

Black Hinata watched in amusement and tilted her head to the side, placing her hand to her lips in concentration. Her eyes brightened considerably as she came up with an idea. _'I guess I could do one more thing before I place the seal…'_ she thought wickedly.

Placing her sleeping cousin in a sitting position, Black Hinata reached into the weapons holster strapped onto her thigh, drew out a kunai and…

…decided to give Neji's hair a trim.

The same Neji whose hair was treated with only the finest and most expensive shampoos and formulated treatments to keep it soft, and brushed 1000 times on each side to maintain its shine. The same Neji that deep conditioned every other day to keep it from frizzing in Konoha humidity, and only tied it with elastics that didn't tangle or leave dents in his hair. Basically, Neji cherished his hair like Naruto favored ramen at the Ichiraku, or like Chouji cherished Korean barbeque and potato chips, or like Sakura and Ino loved Sasuke.

But Black Hinata could care less as she cut his hair an inch above the eyebrows and rounded the rest of it out into a bowlish shape at the sides and back. Gorgeous locks of hair fell lifelessly onto Neji's blankets and floor. She stood back and admired her handiwork. _'Hmm… Not exactly… something's missing.'_ She snapped her fingers as she realized what that something was.

She placed her kunai back into the pouch, rummaged through Neji's desk drawer and found just what she had been looking for- a black permanent marker. She drew thick lines just above his natural brow line, giving him eyebrows that were in actuality thicker than Gai or Lee's eyebrows.

She took a step away from his prone body to evaluate her side project. It was too much for her! She grabbed a spare pillow and began to guffaw loudly into it. Luckily Neji hadn't woken up. "Oh, Lord, that's awesome!" As she blinked away the happy tears, she set back to work on what she had come here for.

She flipped Neji onto his stomach and pulled his pants down just a bit. She then brought her hands together and started making the formulations for the seal she was going to place on Neji.

"Ooh, he's SO going to hate me, but I DON'T CARE!"

An eerie brownish-black chakra emitted from her right hand as she maneuvered her way around the ceramic diaper he was wearing with the left one. She then placed her hand onto his white ass cheek.

* * *

_Author's Note: I'd touch his ass… Most likely it's really, really firm… (Drools…)

* * *

_

Black Hinata held back her bile. 'This had better be worth it in the end,' she thought. She removed her hand from his heinie and started to snicker uncontrollably. The seal was supposed to look like a little asterisk. But when you really looked at it, and given the placement of the seal, it kinda looked like a… butthole.

"Oh man," cried Black Hinata, wiping even more tears from her eyes. "I have_ so_ got to make more of these!"

She took one last look at the seal, held back a chortle by biting her lip, pulled Neji's pants back up, and eased him back under his covers. Then she left his room and the Branch House, cackling maniacally as she wandered around the estate looking for other Hyuugas to screw over.

Moments later, Neji woke up feeling discombobulated. Why, of all things, did he have to dream about that damned 'Green Beast of Konoha'? He ran a shaky hand through his hair and received the shock of his life.

"No. No. _No... _**NOOOOOOO!**" He looked all around him. His hair… was all over the place. And not… on his head… where it should have been. His beautiful espresso-colored locks! Why? Why? **WHY!**

He ran over to his three-way mirror and finally SAW himself. He really… hadn't been dreaming of all this. He was starting to realize what his nefarious cousin was truly capable of.

...He had a black eye.

...His nose was broken.

...His jaw was slightly dislodged.

...His lip was busted.

...He had cuts running up and down the length of his entire body.

...He had at least 4 fractured ribs.

...One broken finger.

...A pulled hamstring.

...An oddly shaped bruise? On his right butt cheek.

And **worst** of all…

**Gai-sensei and Rock Lee's 'do and eyebrows!**

He wasn't ready to see the mess Hinata made of his manhood. If it was still there. If Hinata had even a SHRED of humanity left in her, it would still be in tact.

But then again, he hadn't been too nice to her, not since they were little. And he really shouldn't have tried to kill her way back when.

He just had the living daylights beaten out of him and a nasty looking haircut to boot. Hinata, he realized, had done the one thing he would have never expected.

She had proven her SUPERIORITY over him.

It didn't make any sense… something **must **have happened between her and her father- that _was _the last time he had seen her prior to him getting his _ahem_ **balls** _ahem_ rearranged, he construed.

Which led to another startling realization. She had been last seen with Hiashi. Surely _he _wasn't in the same condition he himself was in now, was he?

A chill ran up his spine. There was something unstable about this new Hinata, and that worried him greatly. There was no telling what lengths his cousin would go through to finish what she started… after all, she _did _torture him pretty thoroughly… or did she?

Neji wasn't labeled a genius for nothing.

Call it intuition, but he had a feeling things weren't quite over between the two of them. A sick feeling washed over the pit of his stomach. Most likely her sick behavior was acted out of a settling of scores… the most forgiving person in the entire universe had finally snapped, and inwardly he knew he was one of the causes for this series of unfortunate events. Surely she wasn't after the entire family, was she?

Was this his destiny? Because if it was, he'd have to argue that Destiny was one bad-ass mother-fucker.

There would be more. For him and for anyone else who ever dared to make Hinata upset- past, present, and future...

So Neji did twice in one day something that he hadn't done since his father died.

He wept. Again.

* * *

**_A Note From ME!_**

_Aieee! Thank you all for your kind reviews! And just to let you know… Black Hinata will be made known to the rest of Konoha soon… I just don't know how and when. I've already made plans for a Naruto and Black Hinata encounter that I hope you'll like. Ha ha ha! I actually dreamed of what would happen last night, and I woke up laughing. But then again, some of the things I find funny aren't that funny at all… but… yeah._

_I love that Hinata's a walking, talking time bomb. I hate how her father treats her like a pushover, but I understand that it's hard to raise kids without a mother around… I don't think he knows how to properly love his kids. And really, I don't hate Neji. He's actually one of my favorite characters. You have to feel sorry for him- father voluntarily killed himself, he wears a cursed seal on his head, he knows he's better than Hinata and Hanabi in terms of skills (we all know this) and yet he's a servant to the Main House. But I'm not done torturing him just yet, as you have all read. Because this story is just so much fun to write. And Hinata deserves to have some more fun. Ohohohoho!_

_Long live Black Hinata!_


	6. Crime and Punishment

As Black Hinata emerged from the Branch House gates, several guards took notice of the shapely stranger walking amidst the Hyuuga compound, not realizing whom they had been staring at.

Black Hinata stumbled for a moment feeling slightly dizzy before she reverted back into White Hinata. White Hinata looked at her surroundings wondering where her father was- _'He was with me a moment ago, wasn't he?'_ and how she managed to find her way to the Branch House and just why exactly she was wearing such a skin-tight leather outfit. She let out a "Meep!"

Immediately she blushed at the awkwardness of her predicament (being able to see her curviness made her fairly nervous- White Hinata dressed VERY conservatively- traditional kimonos and loose-fitting ninja garb being more her style- hello, anoraks as big as a circus tent ring a bell?) and began to speed walk towards the Main House, not realizing that even in skin-tight leather, her breasts could still bounce slightly (case in point: Britney Spears in the "Oops…I Did It Again" video).

"Whoa… check HER out!" gushed the first guard, Hyuuga Mushi (pig), roaming his eyes up and down the leather-clad woman's body. When the figure got closer, he understood that he and his friends had been ogling the Heiress. "Hey, isn't that HINATA-SAMA?"

"Damn, she's HOT," rasped the second, Hyuuga Quagmire, cocking his head forward and back while thrusting his hips. "Giggedy-giggedy!"

* * *

_Author's Note: I LOVE "Family Guy"! Seth MacFarlane, I love you! Marry me!

* * *

_

The third one, Hyuuga Hebi (snake) just hissed and stared, mumbling "I want me sssome of that asssss," which gave the fourth guard, Hyuuga Nezumi (the rat, the most crafty one amongst the quartet) an idea.

"It's all over the Branch House that Hiashi-sama hates his daughter because she's a third-rate shinobi. If the four of us team up against her, we can all take turns banging her. That way, we all get what _WE_want, and she can at least prove herself _useful _to the Clan. Even a whore can have her place in society," he said, looking at Hinata lustfully.

The other three agreed and began to set their nefarious plan into motion. As White Hinata walked into a large alleyway leading up to the Main House, she felt like she was being followed. Her suspicions were confirmed when the four guards appeared surrounding her on all sides.

White Hinata looked up into the faces of the guards and was startled by the predatory gleam in their eyes.

"E-excuse me… I-I'd like t-to get th-through…" she muttered, reddening from their close proximity. Her heart was hammering in her chest.

Nezumi pushed White Hinata up against a wall and traced his fingers along her jaw line. She cowered in fear and disgust.

"We'd like to get through, too, Hinata-sama," he said suggestively, staring at her chest and then towards the apex of her leather-clad thighs. The other men laughed. "If you know what I mean. Maybe you can help us out with that."

Her eyes widened in shock. These men… they weren't really thinking about… with her… _were they_?

She thought of something Kiba had shared with her at training the day after walking her home for the first time. When Kiba took her to the main gate leading to the Hyuuga compound, Hiashi had been waiting and gave the trio (Akamaru was present, of course) a dirty, contemptuous look. Of course, the disapproving gaze had lingered the longest on Hinata.

Hinata had bowed to her father and walked meekly past him and before either she, Kiba or Akamaru had a chance to say goodbye to one another, the large door was promptly shut in their faces.

The very next day Kiba had told her, "No offense, Hinata-chan, but your family SUCKS." Akamaru had barked in agreement.

Her family did indeed suck. And this place always brought her bad memories. The time she had been nearly kidnapped. Her loving mother's untimely passing. The forgotten birthdays, the sad Christmastimes, the evil glares from her father and sister and the scornful looks given to her by the Branch House.

This wasn't a home, this was a _hellhole._

If there ever had been a time when she was truly happy to be born a Hyuuga, she was convinced that it had been a dream. A dream where she had parents that gave her affection and kind words, warm hugs and kisses on her cheeks. A dream where her uncle gave her piggyback rides, and her and Neji-nii-san were playmates.

Being born into this family… well, she certainly felt like she was a child of misfortune. Her life was one big fucked-up mess.

And now she was about to be violated by the men (random cousins, too- blecch) who had sworn to protect the Hyuuga household.

Sucky, sucky family. Very sucky dysfunctional family, indeed.

White Hinata began to shake violently in anger, coursing Black Hinata to take over once again. The men had already begun to advance on the heiress, smiling grotesquely as they mistook her shivering as intense fear.

Nezumi's hand darted forward and grabbed one of her breasts, but Black Hinata peeled off the offending feeler and with a pulse of chakra shooting through her palm, ground its bones into dust.

Nezumi's hand had now been rendered permanently useless as he fell pitifully at her feet, clutching his lame appendage to his chest and squeaking in terror.

Black Hinata bent forward at eye-level to the rat, placing an elegant hand over his mouth to muffle his cries.

**"_Don't touch me_,"** she whispered dangerously, as she swiftly impaled her stiletto heel through one of his testicles. Nezumi looked at the metal spike that had just pierced through his tender flesh and passed out, unable to withstand the most excruciating pain of his life.

Black Hinata shyly brought her finger to her lips as she turned to stare into the shocked faces of the other three. "Oopsie-daisy, look what I did…" she said, giggling coquettishly. Despite the situation the men were in, Hinata looked über-kawaii. They couldn't decide whether to fawn or faint.

The three watched in abject horror as she removed her heel from Nezumi's body (making a sickening sploshy sound) and wiped the bloodied stake-replacement onto his yukata sleeve. Their eyes never left the rapidly growing bloodstain on the crotch of his pants. So much blood!

5 seconds. 5 seconds was all it took for her to maim his hand _and _make mincemeat out of his balls… Nezumi was also the most experienced fighter amongst their group, too. The trio gulped audibly. They couldn't believe that Hinata-sama could be capable of such viciousness!

When the giggling ceased, the pig, the snake and the pervert slowly turned to look at Black Hinata, who now looked manic. She stared them down as she began to breathe heavily. Boy, was she PISSED!

The look of cold fury in her eyes said it all:

They were _sooooo_ screwed.


	7. An Outsider Comes Into the Picture

_Damn, I hated that last chapter. Oh well, it can't be helped. And I will try my hardest not to add in Author's Notes. Point taken. I hope you'll enjoy this next chapter- I'm going to introduce one of my all-time favorite characters!_

* * *

Nearby, Hatake Kakashi, for the first time since becoming the Jonin assigned to Team 7, was about to be _early _for their daily practice session. 

What he _didn't_ know was that Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura, after 4 years of training under the Copy-nin and being fed-up by his constant tardiness, decided to sneak into his apartment the day before and set his clocks ahead one hour. Uchiha Sasuke was asked to come along (by who else?), but he could care less about his teammates' dumb antics.

Today most of Konoha had been bewildered by his all-too sudden respect for punctuality, and yet Kakashi was somewhat oblivious to that fact. Asuma and Kurenai even stood shell-shocked seeing Kakashi reading _"Icha Icha Tactics Vol. 32"_ at their regular table before _their_ arrival, and Gai… well, Gai wept and pointed and really hadn't said much, other than "yada, yada… **eternal flame of youth power**… the score is tied at 2,344 to 2,344…you truly are my **eternal rival**, Kakashi... for my loss today I shall run around the village 500 times backwards while carrying a 100-lb sack of rice on EACH of my shoulders… " (Insert 1000-megawatt smile and the sparkle sound.)

And as always, Kakashi simply responded by saying, "Did you say something?" as he continued perusing the contents of his book and Gai wondered why Masashi Kishimoto had to make Kakashi so damn cool…

* * *

_Poor Gai...

* * *

_

So, after Kakashi came up with an excuse about why he didn't have any money with him and was satisfied with stiffing his (appalled) friends with his bill, he walked through the streets of Konoha and headed towards the memorial where he liked to pay homage to his fallen comrades, but for some reason he decided to take a different route to get there…

…And found himself near a place where he heard screams. Blood curdling screams. And one Amazon-ified yell (Hinata, but he didn't know), all emanating from the Hyuuga compound.

He decided to investigate, jumping onto one of the large walls surrounding the largest estate in Konoha. He leaped even further into the compound to get closer to the action.

What he saw was a dusty blur. He activated his Sharingan eye and paused, blinking in uncertainty. A young woman who _looked_ like Hinata was beating the living shit out of a team of Hyuuga guardsmen.

Looking underneath the underneath, he saw a large handprint embossed on one of the woman's breasts. _'Someone grabbed her inappropriately.'_ He turned to look and saw that one of the men was already down for the count, having been that way for quite some time. The blood that pooled from Nezumi's crotch had dried into a crusty reddish-brown color. _'And by the looks of things, it was that guy. And it appears she gave him what he deserved,'_ he concluded, grimacing and crossing his legs unconsciously.

_'She looks like Hinata, but Hinata's not the type of person who would go around stabbing men in the balls,'_ he mused. _'Anko and Hokage-sama, maybe even Sakura, yes, but a sweet girl like Hinata…no…'_ Whenever her name came up, all he could remember was the timid girl with the speech impediment that tried her best in her match against her cousin. Somehow, the girl seemed too... delicate to be a ninja, despite her impressive blood limit. Rather, it was easier for him to envision our favorite kunoichi frolicking through a sunny meadow, making friends with the animals of the forest. Bunny rabbits, baby deer, cute little mammals of all sorts would gather around the girl as she sang songs and made daisy-chain necklaces for each and every one of them...

_

* * *

Oh my...

* * *

_

His thoughts were broken when the unidentifiable woman yelled her battle cry while executing the Hakke Rokujuyon Sho on one of the guards cleanly. When the other two men saw they had an opening, she anticipated their reaction, Kaiten-ing them to kingdom come. Their bones buckled from the sudden impact. Kakashi was most definitely impressed.

When all the dust had settled, all that remained standing was Hyuuga Hinata. Kakashi was stunned. He had seen her practicing briefly with her teammates the day before, but that was _totally _different from what he had just witnessed. It was as if she turned into a completely different person overnight… and Kakashi had a knack for telling if someone was using Henge no Jutsu or not… Hinata... Hinata was _definitely_ the real McCoy.

Black Hinata was about to place seals on each of the men (who were all barely alive) when she felt a presence. Looking up, she was relieved to see a familiar _friendly_ face. She bowed respectfully.

"Kakashi-sensei!" she said smiling, as she wiped the dirt from her clothing. Finding herself decent, she jumped up to the rooftop where the Jonin instructor was perched.

"Yo," said Kakashi. _'This is shy, timid Hinata? Damn... She certainly has changed since the Chuunin exams,'_ thought Kakashi, feeling a little hot under the collar. Of course, that was years ago and Hinata had already attained Chuunin status along with most of the Rookie 9, but these jutsus she performed, and the tactics she used… well, they were pretty amazing. They seemed nearly effortless, and Hinata hadn't even broken a sweat.

"You've certainly come a long way in your training, Hinata." And he meant it, too. Kakashi gave praise when praise was due. Plus, leather was a nice look for the Hyuuga heiress.

Black Hinata bowed at the compliment. "Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

He continued to smile at her, wondering why she had been attacked and why none of the other members of her family had been there to help. He vaguely remembered hearing what Rock Lee had to say about the separation of families in the Hyuuga household, but this… this was wrong.

Black Hinata began to laugh softly. She could read the questions in his eyes. She was touched by his concern.

"Kiba-kun says my family sucks." She shrugged her shoulders. "It's true. They hate me, they don't want me here…"

Black Hinata gave Kakashi a sideways glance.

"But I don't care anymore," she continued, as she pointed her finger in the general vicinity of the Main and Branch Houses. "Because I don't plan on leaving this place until all the mo-fos who have made me miserable get what's coming to them," she said vehemently.

Kakashi just stared into the courtyard taking all this information in. Hinata had _easily _taken down four strong men by herself in a very short amount of time._ 'Was she implying…'_

She noticed the strange look he was giving her. She laughed, waving her hands in the air. "Don't get me wrong, Kakashi-sensei, you won't see a repeat of what happened to the Uchiha family happening around here… I mean, I'm not going to _kill off _the Clan, it's not my cup of tea…"

Kakashi relaxed his shoulders.

"But I _will _make them _very _sorry they messed with me," she said with steely resolve, cracking her knuckles.

At that same moment, Neji had run (actually, waddled- diapers, remember?) out into the courtyard, having seen the bodies of four Hyuuga guards lying in pools of their own blood from his window. (He didn't hear the screams because he was still bawling over the things that had happened to him, namely the goofball haircut.)

Kakashi was at a loss for words. Bruised and battered Neji _plus _bowl haircut _plus_ dumpy looking pants...

He rubbed his visible eye. No... _freakin' _...**way**...

Black Hinata pointed to Neji. "See, Kakashi-sensei?**_ I _**did that," she stated proudly. "Niiiiiiiii-kuuuuuun!" she cried, flailing her arms wildly. "Over here! Come say hello to our guest!"

"Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka..." Neji mumbled incoherently. His palms began to sweat... "...shi-" He wanted to die. Neji wanted to DIE!

"Yes, Nii-kun, Kakashi-sensei. Don't be so rude!" she said tauntingly.

Neji's spirit nearly left his body- he was so mortified that someone as awesome as Hatake Kakashi saw him in his current state. He dashed back to the Branch House, locked himself in his room, flung his body onto his bed and cried into his pillow. Of course, he hadn't cleaned the hair off of his pillows and bed sheets, so they'd be stuck to his face later on…

_'Ooh, I never knew Hinata could be so... cruel...'_ Kakashi's eyes crinkled in amusement. But there was a stark difference between what Uchiha Itachi did and what Hinata wanted to do.

Itachi tortured and killed his family. We know this all too well.

Hinata was going to torture her family… but by keeping them **alive** there was always that lingering fear the rest of the Hyuugas would have: whatever happened to them could happen again in the future. Hinata wasn't the type of person who would give up easily.

The young woman sitting next to him was more intelligent than she let on. But then again, he really didn't know too much about her, other than the bits of information he picked up from Kurenai.

Thinking back on the Hyuuga Genius, Kakashi felt really, really, **really **bad for Neji. But nowhere near as bad as he felt for Hinata...

For someone to be pushed so far as to resort to violence of any kind against her own family… It wasn't any of his business what went on with the Hyuugas, but he'd certainly make it his business. As long as it didn't interfere with his training. Oh, who are we kidding here? As long as it didn't interfere with his reading he'd get involved.

He would eventually have to tell Tsunade about this new turn of events. Something going on in Konoha's most oldest noble family _was _something she would want to know about as well.

As he waved goodbye to Hinata and thanked her for the laugh, he wondered several things:

1. Where did her skills _come_ from? She was a pretty talented fighter.

2. Wasn't Hinata a terribly inhibited person? Body-tight leather was a far, far cry from the loose-fitting furry anorak she wore…

3. In a match between Sakura and Hinata, would Sakura stand a chance? _(Ficcy spoiler perhaps?)_

4. Wasn't Morino Ibiki looking for someone to fill the newly vacant spot in his ANBU Torture Division?

After seeing what Hinata was capable of doing to Neji and the other Hyuugas… _anything_ seemed possible.

She _could_ be a likely candidate, if she were interested in the position...

And lastly,

5. He was fairly sure that the village hadn't seen the new Hinata. He would've heard something by now.

**Gossip traveled quickly in Konoha. He ought to know, having spread a few key rumors himself. **

But that was beside the point. Kakashi had a gut feeling that things would get _very_ interesting around here.

Stopping to give a brief visit with Rin and Obito, he strolled past a few trees, making it to his final destination. There he saw two familiar silhouettes charging up to him and one sitting still at the base of a large oak.

Naruto and Sakura pointed accusatory fingers at their instructor. How was this possible? They had everything mapped out so perfectly! It was hopeless! Truly and utterly HOPELESS when it came to Kakashi-sensei!

"**YOU'RE LATE!" **

* * *

_Author's Note: Every time Hinata says "Nii-kun" I can see Hinata sporting some cute kitty ears and a kitty tail… it's just me, I know, I know… but she's so cute!_


	8. Kakashi's Surprise Jutsu 402

_A/N: This is my longest, and perhaps most disturbing chapter as of yet. Just a reminder, folks, if it isn't too obvious already- characters are OOC! Don't flame, got that? _

* * *

_Previously, on "Good Karma, Bad Karma"…_

* * *

"**YOU'RE LATE!"**

Kakashi looked at the two teens with bored enthusiasm as he continued to mull over the pages of his _"Icha Icha Paradise Vol. XXX"._

"I was over at Hinata's-" he started.

"**LIAR!" **cried the duo. Why? And after all that planning, too... Sakura fumed... she could've spent the better part of yesterday afternoon spying on Sasuke... Why couldn't their sensei just admit to being lazy and flaky... and using poor Hinata as an excuse, too... Really...

"-where she managed to give Neji a makeover..."

_'Neji? Did he just say Neji?'_ "Hinata-chan gave Neji-kun a makeover? Sugoi!" interrupted Sakura as she sighed dreamily. There were hearts in her eyes.

Inner Sakura turned into mush as she floated on Cloud Nine_. 'I bet he's even more handsome than before! I can't wait to see him! SHANNARO!'_ (Neji was Sakura's second crush- Sakura knows how to pick 'em- cold, bastardly, #1 rookies, quiet, angry, angsty, in need of a tan…)

Kakashi continued, "and mutilate a couple of estate guards…"

Naruto stared at the silver-haired trainer in disbelief. Kakashi's lies worsened every time he saw him. Hinata _mutilate_ someone? Heck, Hinata wouldn't even hurt a fly if she wanted to (knowing that she probably wouldn't want to offend Shino). She'd probably let a horde of mosquitoes drink every ounce of blood in her body if she knew it would make them happy…

Then the Copy-nin sent Sasuke a furtive glance (which the Uchiha caught) as he finished the last bit of his tale, "… for trying to get _into_ her pants."

Kakashi loved spreading gossip. It was his favorite thing to do next to reading.

Sakura and Sasuke's eyes widened (actually, Sasuke's eyes nearly bugged out of his head). Naruto scratched the back of his head, confused.

"Ne, Kakashi-sensei, Hinata-chan's the type of person who likes to share. I'm pretty sure if the guards asked, she would let them try on her clothes, ne, ne?"

Kakashi almost sweat-dropped. Almost. However, he _did _throw Naruto a look that said, _'You're kidding, right? You've got to be smarter than that...' _

Sakura punched him in the head. "It's not that they wanted to try on her wardrobe, baka…" She sighed. Sometimes Naruto was too dense for words. "How can I say this- You know… Oh! What's the one thing that Jiraiya-sama always looks for but never gets… you know… that _thing…_"

Sakura's face turned red as she realized she was talking about the birds and bees with _him _of all people. How embarrassing… Hopefully her Sasuke-kun would still think she was still sweet and innocent...

"Ero-sennin? But all _he_ ever wants is…"

Seconds later, Naruto was on the floor, choking for air, trying to mutter out… "I… need… to change… the… Hyuugas… save Hinata-chan...Bunch of… sick-minded… freaks…" while his pink-haired teammate quickly (and none-too-gently) pounded his back, making his coughing fits even worse. By this point, Konoha's self-proclaimed #1 Ninja's face had turned a sickly shade of PURPLE. Sakura really didn't know her own strength.

Or _did_ she?

At times Kakashi wondered if Sakura was trying to intentionally kill Naruto to have Sasuke to herself.

Speaking of which, no one (but Kakashi) had seemed to realize that Sasuke went AWOL (again- heh), leaving a shadow clone behind in his place.

"Very interesting," he murmured, laughing to himself._ 'I figured this would happen...'_ he thought, recalling that one event...

Indeed, because Sasuke was, at that moment, running like hell to find Hinata, the girl of his wet dreams.

* * *

_A/N: Yes, that's what I said! WET DREAMS. My story, I do what I want.

* * *

__Quick flashback:

* * *

_

About a year ago- maybe two, Kakashi had coaxed Sasuke into meeting him for lunch (that the older Sharingan user had no intention of paying for, the sneaky bastard). Sasuke had wrongly assumed _he_ was getting a free meal so when he came the two were seated at a booth; Kakashi talked (while reading- what else) while Sasuke ate.

Across the street, he saw his former classmate Hinata at an ice cream parlor by herself, eating a vanilla cone.

Now there is absolutely nothing special about a person who enjoys eating ice cream. Lots of people like ice cream. Sasuke didn't care too much for the stuff. Gave him brain freeze. And it was way too sweet for his tastes.

But for some reason, Sasuke decided that observing the eating habits of the Hyuuga would be more worthy of his time, rather than listening to Kakashi gush about Jiraiya-sama's literary accomplishments. Watching her wasn't too much of a strain on his eyes… Hinata was, by his standards, a very pretty girl. Though he would never admit it to anybody.

Kakashi knew he was being ignored. He pouted behind his mask. He casually looked into the back of a spoon to see what had diverted the young Avenger's attention.

He was surprised, to say the least, to see an upside-down fuzzy reflection of Hinata eating dessert.

He was even _more_ surprised to realize that perhaps he had been wrong about his pupil's sexual preference. But really, it seemed like all evidence pointed to the fact that Sasuke was GAY.

1. He hated being around girls

2. He chased after Orochimaru, who preferred to cohabitate with younger men (COUGH-Kabuto-COUGH-Kimimaro-COUGH-child molester-COUGH-Jacko and Orochimaru are on each others AIM Buddy Lists and frequent the Altar Boys chat room…).

3. Multiple witnesses had confirmed that Sasuke and Naruto once had a heavy make-out session in their Academy days (as told to him by Asuma who had heard it from Yamanaka Ino, who _may_ have over-exaggerated the whole ordeal just a tad).

Kakashi hated to be wrong. But whatever. The past was the past, and this was a PRESENT. A gift. Because…

…well, because Kakashi knew a possible hentai moment when he saw one. Being able to look underneath the underneath had its privileges. (And because Kakashi's nasty thoughts could _easily _make the entire porn industry look like kiddie programs on PBS.)

The cogs and gears were already turning in his perverted mind. This would be fun.

Having read the latest installment of the _"Icha Icha Paradise"_ series titled _"Icha Icha Glorious Rapture"_ (which had been banned in several countries because of its far-too-ecchi content, however Jiraiya had hooked him up with an autographed leather-bound copy with COLOR illustrations), Kakashi was chock full of greatly perverse ideas.

It was a good thing Sasuke was intuitive, too…

Kakashi was hoping to get the message conveyed through _both_ of Sasuke's _heads._

His weapon of choice?

Copycat Ninja Technique # 402: Subliminal Message no Jutsu. Yeah. Kakashi was all over that one. It was _similar _to Uchiha Itachi's Mangekyou Tsukuyomi (which Kakashi had been an involuntary recipient of when he had to fight the bastard), but tweaked a bit so that in the end, no one got seriously hurt (like he had been). Either way, in the whole scope of things, both parties got to have fun. And right now, Kakashi wanted nothing more than to watch his pupil make a total ASS of himself!

Sasuke didn't even see or hear #402 coming: the Copy-nin was too sly. The barrage of innuendos hidden in the seemingly innocent sock puppet show Kakashi performed, the colorful illustration of a butterfly that from a different angle looked like two people getting it on that was surreptitiously drawn on their table in crayon, the cheesy porn anthem that Kakashi was humming to himself…

* * *

Kakashi was a dirty bastard.

Kakashi was a friggin' genius!

* * *

His apprentice had been affected. It was working _pretty darn _well. Sasuke was sweating buckets and he had just torn his cloth napkin to shreds and chewing his lower lip nervously. 

From his seat, Sasuke noticed the flush in Hinata's cheeks (from the balmy summer heat of Konoha), the pieces of hair that clung to her face and neck from perspiration, and the attention she was laving onto the cold indulgence. He followed her motions. Up (lick), down, up (lick), down, swirl… all the while smiling and concentrating on finishing the milky treat… some of which had dribbled onto her chin…

His throat went dry. Why did his pants feel so… constricted? Hoo boy.

Sasuke blinked. For a moment there, he didn't see an ice cream cone. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

He had imagined something… different. And for a second, he though he saw a pair of innocent cream-colored eyes staring up at him through long, lush black eyelashes from underneath the table...

Of course he was imagining things... until he actually _felt _something.

He looked down and saw that his hand was creeping ever so close to the stiffy in his shorts! He was in a freakin' restaurant for crying out loud! He snapped his hand away as if he had touched fire.

Sasuke thought he was going to die of a brain aneurysm right then and there. Why were all these things happening to him? He looked at Kakashi wondering if he had anything to do with this, or if he had seen anything. Kakashi was too busy flipping through the pages of his book (or so it seemed!). Sasuke quickly removed his suspicions.

He continued to watch nervously as Hinata popped the last bite of cone into her mouth and slowly licked and sucked the white, sticky gooey mess off each of her fingers.

Speaking of white gooey messes… Sasuke _came _to the conclusion that he had one to take care of as well. He muttered a quick, "I'll be back" and ran as fast as he could to the bathroom to do his business.

Kakashi, after seeing the damp outline of a steeple in Sasuke's shorts, went into hysterics.

* * *

**#402 was the most AWESOME jutsu EVER!

* * *

**

When Sasuke came back to the table, he was pissed. He spent some time trying to wash out the stain on his pants in the bathroom (for obvious reasons), and he used his Katon Gokakyu no Jutsu to dry them quickly but ended up burning several holes in his shorts, revealing his bright blue boxers with red and white Uchiha fan patterns. To make matters worse, Kakashi had ditched him and left him with the tab!

"Freakin' bastard Kakashi..." he mumbled underneath his breath. Then the anger subsided when he made eye contact with the Hyuuga heiress across the street, who looked at him like a deer caught in headlights (only deer don't poke their fingers together when they're nervous, nor do they blush ridiculous shades of tomato red). They stared at each other for a minute before she ran away.

Sasuke, despite all appearances (burned shorts, sweaty face, odd smell) was one very happy dude.

* * *

_End Flashback_

* * *

Of course, Sasuke didn't know that Kakashi knew. Heck, he didn't even know Kakashi was totally responsible for all the NC-17 thoughts that ran through his mind as he was stared at Hinata. 

And on top of _that, _Sasuke didn't know that Hinata had blushed when she got a good look at his underwear.

The only thing he _did_ know was that since that day, Sasuke stopped having nightmares about his tragic past. Of course, he still woke up sweaty and upset…

… but that was because the nightmares had been replaced by erotic visions of a shy Chuunin that liked to have her way with him. The beautiful thing about dreams is this:

You almost _always_ get what you want.

Which is never good unless your fantasies can be reality.

Now, revenge on the asshole brother that killed off your entire family was one thing.

A 16-year old dealing with raging hormones and sexual frustrations was something else.

Was it any wonder _WHY_ the younger Uchiha was such a royal ASS to his teammates?

1. Sakura was not Hinata,

and worst of all,

2. Hinata liked the _dobe_. Dead Last...

"GAAH! DAMN HIM!" Sasuke screeched as he angrily punched a tree, showering a lovey-dovey couple enjoying their romantic picnic lunch underneath said tree with splinters. Oh yeah. That date was ruined for sure.

Hinata liked Naruto. That fact alone was enough to drive him up the wall! He had considered Chidori-ing the dimwit to Kingdom Come, but the idea of Hinata draping her body over Naruto's as she cried over his listless form squashed that thought completely.

Naruto was one of his best friends (another thing he wouldn't admit, since he sure as hell didn't act like he liked ANYBODY other than himself), but he would resurrect Hades the day Naruto and Hinata ever got together. Fortunately the blond kyuubi-container was too dense to notice his quiet beauty's efforts at catching his eye as he was still hopelessly and helplessly in love with Sakura.

Hopefully his Hinata would get the hint and move onto bigger and better things, namely himself. He figured, why get ground beef (Naruto) when you could have filet mignon (Sasuke)?

Damnit, why couldn't _he_ be on Team 8 instead?

* * *

Going (briefly) back to Team 7… 

Sakura had so many questions. "Sensei, how does Neji-kun look? What's he like now?" she asked excitedly. Her heart was fluttering wildly in her chest.

"He looks unbelievable," Kakashi said, in a deadpan voice (still reading). "Totally unreal. You're going to flip." And then when no one was looking, his eyes crinkled happily as he shook the last bit of excess laughter out of his system.

* * *

And back at the Hyuuga compound… 

After properly seeing Kakashi-sensei off at the gates to her home, Black Hinata went back to the courtyard and found that several members of the Branch family had come out to give immediate medical treatment to her would-have-been rapists.

She scoffed when she heard one of her distant cousins mumble about how cruel she was for treating other members of the family in the matter that she did. She balled her hands into fists when the others agreed.

_'I see,'_ she thought angrily. _'Rebuke the victim for fighting off her attackers?' _That was taking things too far. There were nine other Hyuugas in the quad excluding those who were down for the count. _'It's time for these people to remember their place.'_

She leapt down into the open space. Several pairs of eyes looked up in surprise. Standing before them were nine perfect replicas of Hinata looking none-too-pleased, tapping an impatient boot on the floor. Within milliseconds, the Hinatas were already performing the hand signs required for the jutsu that was going to seal their fate… the familiar brownish black charka seeping through their palms…

And slapping their nine hands over the original Cursed seals of her rather unlucky relatives, the Black Hinatas shouted in unison:

"**CHOCOLATE STARFISH no JUTSU!"**

The Hyuugas rubbed their foreheads furiously. The clones poofed once the deed had been done.

The Branch members were in an uproar. The Chocolate Starfish no Jutsu had erased all signs of their former seal, but what the hell was that left on their faces? They all looked at one another, and then glared at Black Hinata who had jumped several feet away in a fit of giggles.

"Hinata-_sama_," sneered one of the men. "What is the meaning of this?" He pointed angrily at the poo-hole tattooed on his head.

"Easy, dumbass," The Hyuugas gasped. They had never heard an insult, let alone a BAD WORD come out of her lips before. Black Hinata rolled her eyes. "It's quite simple, actually. I know what goes on around here. I see all the dirty looks, I know about all the trash talk. Guess what. You talk shit about me, you think shit about me, that seal gets activated. I'm through dealing with all your crap. Those fuckers," she said, pointing to the four debilitated guards, "tried to _rape _me. Do you have ANYTHING to say to that?"

_'Yeah. You probably deserved it,'_ thought one.

All of a sudden, _that _Hyuuga began to have a seizure, and before you knew it, a steady river of BILE started to ooze from his seal. The man screamed. (Wouldn't you, too, if crap started to come out of your forehead? Give me a zit with pus any day!) The others blanched in fright.

Black Hinata smiled. The old seal, when activated, destroyed a person's brain cells. It was effective, but then it got pretty old, in her opinion. Nowadays, EVERYTHING killed brain cells. Sitting too close to the television set. Spinning around in circles. Smelling permanent marker fumes. Reading ample amounts of fan fiction too close to the computer monitor. (_A/N: Hee hee! Guilty as charged!_) Psh. Too much of a good thing always had to result in something bad.

Her new jutsu had upped the ante by re-routing some of the brain's nerve endings. Anything could happen whenever the seal was activated. The brain wouldn't be able to communicate with the body for a period of time. For instance, you might have the desire to pick up a pair of chopsticks, and your brain might be telling you to get your hand, move it to the table, and lift the utensils. But then all of a sudden, your big toe curls. Or you urinate all over yourself.

* * *

To make an already long story short, the new jutsu **FUCKED YOU UP!

* * *

**

Sasuke came and saw several bloodied bodies quivering in the middle of the large expanse that made up one of the many courtyards in the Hyuuga household. _'What the fuck is going on around here?'_ he thought. It was almost reminiscent of the day he walked through the Uchiha compound after his aniki annihilated their kinsmen... but these people were still miraculously alive… Walking further into the area, all around him a bunch of disease-ridden people were acting as if the apocalypse had just occurred. It was absolutely disgusting watching these people writhing and retching in pain.

Unable to stand the sight any longer, Sasuke turned to look for Hinata. Surely she wasn't suffering as well? He panicked as he worried for her safety. He didn't have to look very far- standing to the side and observing the freak show was his fantasy girl, laughing and holding her aching sides.

_'Holy cow, that is one hell of an outfit!'_ he thought, looking her over. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined seeing her in black leather! His lower extremities were stirring in excitement. He took a couple of deep breaths to will himself to stay calm and thought of something suave to say.

"Ohayo, Sasuke-kun!" said Black Hinata as she noticed the dark-haired visitor. It seemed like she was getting a lot of strange visitors today. (Normally only her teammates and sensei would come and see her.) She shrugged off the passing thought.

She skipped over several members of her family (as our favorite Avenger's hormones started to act up again- 'Wow, they're bigger than I had imagined,' sighed a happy Sasuke, admiring Hinata's bouncy '_friends_'…) to get to where the frozen Chuunin stood. She ruffled his black locks playfully.

Sasuke nearly melted into a puddle of goo as he leaned into her touch. Actually, his legs WERE shaking (kind of like a puppy when you scratch it's sweet spot). "H-hi, H-hinata-ch-ch-chan…" he managed to mumble.

Black Hinata looked at him strangely. She had long since stopped touching him and Sasuke was _still _fidgeting (he was daydreaming about her hands being in other places). "Hey are you okay? Do you need to use the bathroom or something?"

Sasuke reddened as he snapped out of his reverie. ACK! HOW EMBARRASSING! To be asked something like that by the one girl you had the hots for… Where was his damn machismo when he needed it?

"Uh…" He needed to say something cool! And fast! He looked down for a moment to think of something to say, but then he ended up eyeing her chest. Again. Glancing back up quickly, he blurted out, "UhhIgottagobabyImeanmaybeI'llseeyouleatherImeanLATERImeantlateruhboobsImeanBYEHinata-chan!" and left in a flash.

* * *

When he got home (after tormenting himself over the stupid things he blabbed in front of his lady love- there were already several self-inflicted lumps on his head) he jumped into bed and relaxed himself the only way he knew how… 

Then (after thoroughly petting himself, if you didn't know what he was up to) he got to thinking about how strange Hinata had been acting. Forward. Flirty. Seductive… _totally _unlike the Hinata he was accustomed to.

_Totally unlike the Hinata he was accustomed to. _He quickly sat up in his bed.

The wheels in his head began spinning uncontrollably.

"Oh, SHITFUCK!" he groused, as he flopped his head back down into his pillow in total dismay.

If Hinata was going to insist on being forward, flirty and seductive from now on…he wouldn't stand a chance against his moronic teammate!

If he wanted to have Hinata all to himself, he needed to keep Hinata away from Naruto at ALL COSTS!


	9. Hot and Bothersome

_A/N… Here is chapter 9, and chapter 10 was on my hard drive, but when my story got deleted, somehow I lost the original chapter 10, when Black Hinata gets to see Kiba, Shino and Akamaru, which sucks ass, but I guess that's life. It may not be a total loss, though… I kind of wanted to re-write some bits anyway…_

_Oh yeah... OOCness... beware!_

_And finally... HAPPY THANKSGIVING!_

* * *

_'That,'_ thought Black Hinata as Sasuke zipped away, _'was weird. Especially for him. What do all the girls in Konoha see in him? He's so strange.' _

But seeing Sasuke run off like that reminded her that she had to get going as well. She had promised to meet Shino and Kiba for lunch in town. Her friends were probably wondering what was taking her so long. She took one last look at her so-called family and with a big grin etched onto her face, she strolled out towards the village center.

* * *

She passed by a familiar gaming hall teeming with old men playing _go_ and _shougi_. Just outside the parlor she saw Sarutobi Asuma and Nara Shikamaru engaged in a round of Western chess. She decided to drop by and say hello. 

She studied the two laid back characters thoughtfully. Asuma was taking a drag of his cigarette while Shikamaru waited for Asuma to make his next move. It seemed like Asuma didn't know what to do. She felt bad and decided to help him out.

"Excuse me, Asuma-sensei, but would you mind if I played the rest of your game?"

Asuma looked up and coughed- barely managing to keep his cigarette from falling out of his mouth_. 'Whoa… what happened to Hinata? Damn, Yuuhi didn't mention **anything** about this...' _

Shikamaru didn't raise his head- being the lazy genius he was, he could tell by the sound of the person's voice that it was Hinata.

Clearing his throat, Asuma managed to gesture to her that it was alright for her to go on ahead. Besides, he really didn't know the game too well, and it appeared that Shikamaru had already claimed most of his black pieces.

Several moves later, Black Hinata picked up the Knight and quickly took Shikamaru's Queen. "Checkmate," she chirped proudly.

Shikamaru just gaped at the chessboard. He had never lost a game of chess ever. Then he threw an incredulous look over at a smug Asuma and finally he took a peek across the board at Black Hinata. He froze.

This was not the Hinata he was familiar with. This Hinata… well, for once the skilled tactician was drawing a blank. Where was the ugly parka and capri pants set he was normally accustomed to? Hinata looked… _naughty_… and _domineering..._

_'Wow... just like Ino and Temari... but nicer...'_ Hinata had a nice rack.

Shikamaru quickly shook the dirty thought from his head.

"Well, I've ought to get going- thank you for the game," she stated, bowing to the two men.

"Wait-" Shikamaru dragged his hand down his face. Normally he didn't have much in the area of male pride, but he had just LOST A GAME. "You can't just walk away without giving me a rematch." Then he thought to himself, _'Why am I always the only one who has to fight girls?' _

Inner Shikamaru sighed, rolling his eyes towards the clouds in Shikamaru's head. _'Whatever, man. You know you like it when they hit and yell at you. You are one sick dude.'_ Who knew Shikamaru could be such a closet perv?

Black Hinata looked at Asuma and smiled. "May I take your seat again, Sensei?"

Asuma moved aside, allowing her to take his former spot. He observed the Hyuuga out of the corner of his eye. _'What a change,'_ he thought. _'I can't wait to tell Kakashi about this.' _He and Kakashi were gossip buddies.

Asuma pretended to stretch while the two Chuunins prepared the board. The Jonin instructor could see the gaggle of perverted men who had taken an interest in the exotic beauty. Several had already fallen to the floor sporting gushing nosebleeds.

"Ladies first," offered Shikamaru.

_'Ooh, smooth!'_ beamed Inner Shikamaru.

"Thank you, Shi-kun," said Black Hinata. Asuma and Shikamaru's eyes widened. 'Shi-kun?' they each thought. "However, I must apologize beforehand- I am in a bit of a rush and this game will be quick. I will require no less than 2 minutes and 40 seconds to defeat you."

Shikamaru snorted. Asuma laughed. This new Hinata had moxie. Black Hinata smirked.

Shikamaru got into his strategic pose as his opponent made her first move.

Eight moves and 2 minutes and 38 seconds later…

"Checkmate- Sorry, I win again!"

Shikamaru looked befuddled as Black Hinata's Rook piece overtook his Queen.

"How did you… how did I… Rook..." he mumbled.

Asuma congratulated the teen beauty. "Good job, Hinata-chan. I wasn't aware you could play so well."

Black Hinata bowed her thanks. "Arigato, Asuma-sensei. Actually, I just recently learned how to play."

Shikamaru groused. _'I lost to an amateur...'_

Black Hinata turned towards the disorientated Chuunin- "Shi-kun, you are a worthy opponent. I'll be taking this as my prize," she said, pulling the elastic out of Shikamaru's hair and looping it over her wrist. She then ran the back of her finger along his cheek "Hey- I think I like your hair like this, too. Well, gotta get going! Ja ne!"

As she began walking off, Shikamaru jumped up and grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks. Asuma watched surreptitiously in mild interest.

"Hinata-chan, if I beat you the next time, I get to take something of yours as well?" he said, not being able to look up. He turned, letting go of her arm, blushing slightly.

Black Hinata contemplated his words for a second and smiled. She bent over, lightly bit his earring and whispered into his ear, sending a delicious shiver up his spine.

"If you beat me, I'll consider it," she said breathily. She then winked at him, bowed to both men and sauntered off, leaving a whole bunch of bewildered males behind.

_'Holy mother... what was that?'_ Shikamaru felt hot under the collar.

Once she was out of earshot, Asuma clapped his (still-blushing) student in the back, puffing on his smoke and guffawing proudly. "Damn, you sly dog! I can't believe you hit on Hinata! I didn't know you had it in you!" He'd tell Kakashi about this for sure!

Shikamaru smiled towards Hinata's retreating figure before gathering his composure and pasted a bored look on his face. Turning around, he gathered the pieces together for another game with Asuma. "Women… how troublesome…"

* * *

Black Hinata was a block from her destination when Tokubetsu Jonin Mitarashi Anko stopped her. 

"Hyuuga Hinata?" she asked incredulously. She had performed a double take.

"Ahh! Konnichi-wa, Anko-sensei," said Black Hinata, bowing.

Anko studied her briefly, one hand on her hip, the other on her mouth. After a pregnant pause she spoke. "Twirl for me, Hinata," she said, twirling her finger in the air as a gesture. Black Hinata shrugged her shoulders and began to turn around slowly.

Anko whistled appreciatively. "Niii-ice. Girl, you've got style." Anko gave Black Hinata's backside a firm slap (causing our main character to erupt into a fit of giggles) and walked away, waving as Black Hinata pressed on to find her teammates.

There had been a few men nearby (some who had followed her after her game with Shikamaru, and others that had quietly followed along the way- maybe 40-some odd men?) who had thoroughly enjoyed the display of what inadvertently was an EXTREMELY HOT yet very brief S&M demonstration performed by two very voluptuous and sexy babes.

And amidst them was one very well known Ero-sennin who had _definitely_ enjoyed his free show. He furiously scribbled some notes on a piece of paper and decided to follow Hinata around for the remainder of the day.

He smiled lecherously. "Aah... the things I do in the name of research!"


	10. Gai's Replacement

_Well, I just needed to say that I lost the original Chapter 10, where Black Hinata was supposed to meet up with Team 8, so this is filler... I'm so sad... I liked some of the ideas from that chapter, too, and it's been hard to write Kiba, Shino and Akamaru in... I hope my story never gets deleted again... Waaay too troublesome..._

_Hopefully they'll meet up by the next chapter... with the holidays and all, my mind just keeps jumping back and forth from Christmas shopping and new story ideas and Bleach episodes..._

_So, I felt like making a chapter about Gai. Who, oddly enough, bears a very strong resemblance to Jackie Chan. (Is it only me who sees this?) Whenever I see Jackie Chan, I think Maito Gai, and vice-versa. It's probably the hair, the large NOSE, the quirky enthusiasm and the cheese-ball attitude... And Lee is probably created out of Bruce Lee's likeness..._

_Come to think of it, if there was a "Naruto" live action movie in the works... I'd cast Brad Pitt as Kakashi! Can't you just IMAGINE him with silver hair? Kawaiiiiii... And George Clooney as Jiraiya... an older Jake Gyllenhall as Iruka... Colin Farrell as Asuma (because I can see him with his beard)... and hot diggedy, let's cast Tom Welling as Genma... (shivers in delight!) Sean Connery as Sandaime Sarutobi... HAHAHAHA! I'm on crack..._

_And, on a final note... please forgive me for this sorry excuse for a chapter... it's gonna be crap. Like this story, it makes no damn sense. Very long nonsensical chapter... don't flame me for the weirdness... or if you're a Gai-enthusiast._

_And I cannot say this enough... Characters, whether they're from Naruto or elsewhere... are OOC!_

* * *

Konoha's Sublime Green Beast of Prey was a very sad man. 

And Gai blamed Hatake Kakashi for his misery. It was all his fault, really, showing up early for their morning meeting and all... Destiny was out of synch (he had once listened to one of Neji's and Tenten's tirades about fate and astrology while appreciating his students' passions on subjects they had both ardently claimed to know about so well) which was why Gai was having a terrible Jan Brady-esque day.

(It's always Kakashi! Kakashi, Kakashi, Kakashi!)

What was wrong, you ask?

TEAM GAI was a no-show for PRACTICE!

The world was clearly coming to an end!

Neji, Tenten AND his beloved pupil Lee weren't at the training field today! (Gai liked to _claim_ he didn't play favorites, but he couldn't help but fawn over the overexuberant youthfulness that was Lee...) However, Lee had been acting very strangely around him these past three days- avoiding his presence when necessary, not joining in the GAI! LEE! GAI! LEE! sunset-emblazoned embraces, and worse of all... as of two days ago, he had changed his entire look...

They weren't twins anymore!

But we will delve into that later in this chapter.

So, rather than sitting on a tree stump all by his lonesome and feeling sorry for himself, he dried the tears from his eyes and made a pledge to search for his students. He felt bad for doubting they would miss practice intentionally. He decided to slap his own face five hundred times as a form of both punishment and training and, ignoring the strange stares from the onlooking villagers, set off on his journey.

Humming a happy tune, he skipped energetically towards Tenten's home. Before he knocked on the door he spotted a piece of paper taped to the window.

It read:

_"Out for vacation, will be back in three weeks!"_

And written in fine print on the bottom right hand corner of the note:

_"Bye, Lee-kun! I'll miss you the most! Love, Tenten-chan."_

"Tenten-chan is on vacation and she didn't tell me?" wailed Gai as he ripped the note from the door and clutched it against his chest. He burst into fresh tears. "Am I such a subpar character that my pupils cannot tell me when they will be unavailable? Is my flame of youth dimming? Damn you, Kakashi... look what problems you have created in your attempts to best me at everything!"

* * *

_Yesterday:_

Neji had been busy counting birds (Byakugan training) in the middle of the forest, Tenten had been practicing her accuracy (and stealing glances at Lee) while Gai encouraged Lee to give him a piggyback ride five hundred times around the village. (For strength training, of course, and because piggyback rides were a symbol of youthfulness...)

However, Lee looked towards the shrouded figure in the bushes and after a moment he gave his sensei a queer look. "Um, no offense, Gai-sensei, but don't you think that would look rather _inappropriate_?" he said, causing his teammates to drop their jaws on the floor as he promptly jogged off to punch the training posts a couple hundred times.

Gai resembled a fish out of water. Lee had just blown him off! That... that was a Neji thing to do! While he was sputtering incohesive words about dying embers and the loss of youthfulness, Tenten had shaken off her initial shock and admiration for Lee's new persona and took the opportunity to tell Gai that she and her family would be gone for several weeks to visit her grandparents.

However, the only words Gai had registered from her twenty-minute ramble about the importance of family were, "-thank you, Gai-sensei!" And with those thoughtful words (he assumed Tenten was thanking him for such a wonderful and youthful training experience), the strangely coiffed Jonin temporarily forgot about his grievances with Lee and promptly gave Tenten the biggest hug he could muster while weeping joyful tears into her hair.

_'Geez, it's only for 3 weeks- he acts as if I'll be gone forever!'_ she thought. _'Ooh! Maybe Lee-kun will have the **same** reaction to me being away!' _Her eyes were filled with happy sparkles.

"Tenten-chan! May the **flames** be with you!"

"Uhh... _right... _Gai-sensei! The flames..." She sweat dropped.

Tenten ran to Lee to tell him exactly what she told Gai-sensei in hopes that she would receive a kiss to remember him by...

* * *

So you see... Tenten _did _in fact tell Gai that she'd be gone a couple of days. But you know Gai... he has an attention span that is limited only to Lee's exciting spirit, Tsunade-sama's bountiful breast-s-ss, and competing with Kakashi's supreme awesomeness...

* * *

Gai left the weapons specialist's home and could've _sworn _his youthful ears had picked up the sound of Lee's training grunts, the sounds getting louder as he walked several miles toward an open field. What he saw nearly knocked him off his feet. 

Lee... his cherished apprentice... was with... GASP... ANOTHER MAN!

'Who is this beauteous beast and what is his relationship with my protégé?' he thought angrily, clenching his teeth in anger. PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! The light reflecting off of his teeth were worse than the flash bulbs from a paparazzi attack on Brad and Angelina!

Readers, this was no ordinary beast.

Rock Lee was with... _THE_ ROCK! THE ROCK of WWE fame and acclaimed action film star!

Gai hid behind a bush and watched with baited breath as his eyes roamed towards the two men in the wrestling ring that seemed to have evolved out of nowhere. Flanked on all sides of the ring were a gaggle of lovesick women chanting out "ROCK! ROCK!" (Because the chanting was intended for both men). The Rock was about to show Rock Lee how to do the Spine Buster, followed by the People's Elbow.

Gai became instantaneously jealous of the camaraderie shared between Rock and the Rock. Lee had never looked happier.

Gai felt even more miserable than before.

* * *

Oh dear God, how did these two meet?

* * *

_Flashback, 3 years ago, Chunin Preliminaries..._

Lee had been recovering in the ICU unit at Konoha Hospital following the brutal beating delivered to him by none other than Suna's mysterious Sand nin Sabaku no Gaara. Recently, the Godaime had delivered Gai and Lee some heart-wrenching news that Lee would never make it as a ninja of Fire Country. Gai, tormented by the fact that his hardest-working student would never fulfill his life's passion of becoming a proud shinobi of Konoha, had stalked out of the hospital to do 10,000 leg kicks of injustice.

A random nurse, overhearing Tsunade's prognosis, felt pity for the polite young patient in Room 301 and decided to make a request on Lee's behalf to a famous charity, asking that a famous person give the boy the encouragement he needed to make a speedy recovery and help lift up his spirits.

* * *

Well, we all know what happened since then- Lee got better, he got liquored up and performed the Drunken Master (arrgghh, a Jackie Chan movie, too, I might add, though it was a pretty awesome movie...) and nearly defeated Kimimaro's ass. But only because Gaara had helped, too...

* * *

And two years and fifty-one weeks later...

* * *

_Flashback, one week ago... somewhere in Los Angeles..._

High off of the success of his latest movie, "The Scorpion King Lives On", Dwayne Johnson, aka the Rock, was opening the masses of fan mail from his fans from all over the world from his private jet. One particular manila-colored envelope had caught his personal interest- it had been addressed to him from the Make A Wish Foundation.

He opened the letter; here's what it said:

_To Whom It May Concern,_

_My name is Joy and I am a registered nurse at Konoha Hospital. Recently, one of my patients had been told that he would remain crippled for the rest of his life. My heart breaks at this news, for Rock Lee is known as one of the most dedicated shinobi-in-training in our entire noble village. For him to know that he will never be able to serve his home as its protector brings those who know him great grief. Would you please come and make it a wonderful day for a bright 15 year-old boy?_

_Sincerely, _

_Nurse Joy_

Thinking that it would provide him with even _more_ good publicity, he called his agent and let him know that he would take the opportunity to help an underprivileged youth. It was dated 3 years back... but who cares? Everyone wanted to meet the Rock. Hopefully this kid was still alive. It would've been a waste of his time if he wasn't.

So here he was, five days later, in Konoha, and the trip had been pretty rough. For one, planes couldn't get into this village, two, there were no cars available, either. The Rock had to walk and it socked (sucked- sorry, I wanted to rhyme). Dusty and exhausted from his trip, he checked into an inn, rested for a few hours, then headed straight for the hospital to find out some information about Lee's whereabouts. A very busty platinum blonde doctor with the most hypnotic brown eyes, who also happened to be something akin to mayor of this foreign land, was kind enough to point out that Lee was just beyond the village limits training.

Well, the Rock was kinda happy that the kid was no longer a cripple- the boobacious blonde had said that Lee had recovered from the injuries he sustained. _'The kid's got some crazy stamina,' _thought the Rock, as Lee turned whittled a training post down to a toothpick using a flurry of lightning-fast kicks and punches. _'Quick on his feet, fast with his hands...'_ The Rock's musings were broken off by the strange appearance of a large red tortoise and an even stranger man atop it's back.

"Who in the Blue Hell is THAT?" quipped the Rock.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

What he saw nearly caused him to lose his lunch. The hugging. The crying. The extremely loud DIALOGUE! Not to mention the 10-second sunset that appeared at 9 in the morning... This guy, Gai, as he had been called, had some serious issues. The obvious influence he had on the kid- mind, body and soul-was disgusting. The Rock vowed to help de-Gai Lee as much as he could. The kid looked like he could use a couple of pointers on how to be a more acceptable member of society, someone like the Rock.

The Rock walked back to his room where he wrote out a plan of action, and went straight to bed. He figured tomorrow would be very taxing on his nerves.

The following day, when there was no sign of Gai in sight, the Rock approached Lee as he was making his 279th lap around Konoha's borders. "Hey, Kid- Come here. We need to talk."

Because Lee was so well-mannered and very unassuming, he decided to listen to the intriguing strange foreigner who amazingly had the same name as himself. Stepping into a small sandwich shop, the two men were seated and the Rock got down to business saying what he had to say. What the Rock told Lee shook him to the very core:

Essentially, the Rock told Lee that Gai was a bad man who loved him like a Catholic priest loves altar boys. And, on top of that, his sensei wasn't very hip AT ALL. In fact, the Rock had poignantly stated that Gai was a **Roody Poo Candyass**...

At first, Lee refused to believe the Rock's lies, adamantly defending his honorable sensei's honor. But the more he thought about it, the more he began to see the truth behind the Rock's words, and furthermore pretended not to be confused by his off-colored references to teachers of Catholicism and Roody Poo Candyasses...

Lee found it strange how often Gai initiated the lingering embraces. Gai didn't hug Neji... or the words of encouragement that bordered on being a little _too _intimate... those scenarios had _yaoi _written all over them!

And those stares Gai got from the opposite sex weren't because they were amazed by the Green Beast's beauty... In fact, had he paid more attention in the past, he would've seen that those women were REPULSED by him! If these things were thought of Gai, and Lee wanted to be like Gai... it was no WONDER Sakura was so disgusted at the suggestion of dating him!

"What has he done to me?" whispered Lee, feeling sullied and scared. "Will I ever be normal again?"

"It's not your fault. That Gai... he's just a sick individual. It'll take some time, Kid, but the Rock'll help you out. The Rock'll give you some pointers. And most importantly, the Rock'll help you score with chicks!" said the Rock, slapping Lee across his back. The Rock lifted a perfectly arched brow at how rigid Lee stood- an average man would've been pushed forward by his brute strength. But then again, the Rock had looked at Lee's green jumpsuit and bright gold-colored leggings and blue shoes and decided he was not an average person.

Lee looked at his new mentor with shiny eyes. "Oh, thank you... uh... do I call you Rock? Or Rock-sensei?" It felt strange saying his own name...

"Nononononono... you just call the Rock the Rock. The Rock has no other names. Except Dwayne, but that name is only reserved for the Rock's wife, close family members of the Rock, and good friends of the Rock..."

"Um... the Rock, sir? Do you always refer to yourself in the third person?"

The Rock narrowed his ticking eye at his new project. "Listen, Jabroni," he started, now wondering if it was wise for him to volunteer his services as he refrained from massaging his aching temples. "The Rock says know your role, shut your mouth."

Lee gulped audibly. "Yes, sir, the Rock, sir."

* * *

It came as a surprise to the Rock that Lee was a fun, if not overtly odd, person to hang out with. Sure, the kid's high spirits and wholesomeness got annoying as heck sometimes, but Lee made up for that by being impressed with the Rock's tales about his wrestling career and the mythical place known as Hollywood. The Rock liked to have his ego fed. 

But... first things first- The Rock was NOT going to walk around the town with a dork. Lee had to get a makeover.

* * *

Yes, very cliché in most stories featuring Lee...

* * *

Gone was the abysmal green body stocking, as it was replaced by a fitting black wife-beater tank and a pair of black track pants with white stripes running down the sides. The tank emphasized Lee's physique, revealing his muscular arms and chiseled abs and chest that were normally hidden beneath the brutal pine-hued polyester-blend jumper. Next, he literally threw Lee into a beauty salon, where his brows were waxed and his hair promptly cut and gelled back (I'm thinking Yusuke from "Yu Yu Hakusho"...). 

Lee looked into a mirror and couldn't believe how AMAZING his transformation was! He now had APPEAL!

However, the Rock wasn't through yet. He just couldn't get over Lee's strange Raggedy Andy eye shape. He walked out of the beauty parlor (where Lee was still gushing over his new look) and went into a small store across the street. He returned holding a pair of black ski goggles with yellow lenses. And _voila, _after putting those on, Lee was a changed man. Lee went from having regular APPEAL to having SEX APPEAL!

SCORE!

Next, the Rock gave Lee tips on how to be totally badass and woo the ladies. Since Lee was a fast learner, he learned how to talk the talk and walk the walk in no time. The "Lee Rocks" fan club (quickly established by Tenten who was the president and supported by 50 or so screaming fangirls) followed him wherever he and the Rock went.

Lee enjoyed the Rock's life lessons and tips on how to avoid or confront Monkey Asses and how to 'layeth the smacketh downeth' thick. Granted, he had enjoyed his time with Gai-sensei, too... but that was before he found out from the Rock that what Gai did could be constitutated as child molestation... and he never had his own fan club in all the years he had with him. Watching all the girls swooning over him encouraged him to be even more like the Rock, and finally Rock (er, I mean, Lee) had asked the Rock to show him some of his wrestling moves. They sounded enthralling!

There wasn't a prouder moment for the Rock (aside from family-related things and college scholarships and being a 7-time WWE champion). "Alright! The Rock is gonna show you what the Rock is all about! Because wrestling is the Rock's THANG!" He raised his hand to the air and caught a microphone that fell from the sky. "Lee- Can you SMELL-LALALALALA OWW! What the Rock is COOKIN'?"

The Rock's crazy yet very catchy series of phrases only caused poor Lee's head to spin. The Rock certainly was a hard person to understand. Perhaps the Rock was making him a power lunch or something?_ 'How very thoughtful of my new mentor!'_ he thought happily. Lee enthusiastically answered "NO! I cannot smell-lalalalala- YOSH! what the Rock is cooking!" The Rock gave Lee yet another WTF look. "However," Lee continued, with his eyes on fire and his fist balled in front of him, "If it comes from the Rock, it must smell and taste delightful! YOSH!"

"YOSH!" cried Tenten and his fangirls in glee!

* * *

_Back to today..._

Gai would not stay in hiding any longer. He had been tormented for long enough! How much more pain could he possibly endure without Lee by his side? He jumped from his hiding place yelling out "DAINAMIKKU ENTORI!" and pointed an accusatory finger at his new rival, the Rock, who lay sprawled on the floor, knocked out cold by the dynamic flying kick Gai delivered to the Rock's face.

"YOU! How dare you destroy the magnificent bond between a teacher and his student! You are even worse than my eternal rival Kakashi!" He took one last look at the shocked expression on Lee's face before running off...

...in the general direction of the Hyuuga homestead.

* * *

_To be continued... DUN DUN DUN!_

_Can you smell-lalalala-YOSH! what this whacked out author is cooking?_

_Beware of an upcoming Neji/Gai reunion!_


	11. Kiba vs Shino vs AKAMARU?

_oi... sorry this took a while to update . i was totally at a loss for ideas. _

_i've just discovered the 'stats' link for my account... whoa baby! i'm so impressed with the number of hits this story has gotten, and at the same time really embarrassed, too... i wish i took this story a bit more seriously; honestly, some of these chapters have been... well... crap. _

_apologies aside, I'd like to know what YOU, as readers, want for this story. any particular pairings, encounters, or scenarios? it would help me a lot. i'd like to try to write them in (starting after chapter 12 or 13, that is), make this fic as interactive as possible... and please keep the mindset that i can't write beans when it comes to action. i try, but it's not very illustrative AT ALL. _

_on another note, please feel free to read some of my other stories: **"fix you"** (angsty romance one-shot) and **"the irony of love"** (comedy/romance). i know, shameless plug-in. _

_and finally, thanks for all your reviews! they inspire me to write more (and it puts pressure on me to pump out more chapters- hehehehe...)!_

_finally... chapter 11: "kiba VS shino VS AKAMARU?" _

* * *

There were three things Kiba hated. 

One was fleas. For the most obvious reasons, of course, nasty little boogers they were, especially the chakra eating ones that Shino kept handy to keep the two dog-nin in check. Two was cheaters (and, by the way, he still hadn't completely forgiven Naruto for farting in his face during their Chuunin Preliminary Match, which inevitably caused him to lose his chance at going into the finals- having a great sense of smell wasn't what it was cracked up to be). Last, and definitely not least:

Kiba _hated _being hungry.

And boy, was Kiba HUNGRY!

And with good reason, too. Kiba had been speed pacing outside the entire length of the new sukiyaki restaurant for the last 45 minutes, his stomach juices gurgling as his olfactories caught a whiff of the delicious meats and broths simmering away inside. Akamaru had followed suit, eagerly wanting to do whatever Kiba did, but he soon grew tired and resigned to sitting patiently and watching his master walk back and forth. Moments later, the little pup developed motion sickness and was now burping out little gas bubbles and lying on his side with his tongue lolling out.

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!" Kiba screamed, startling the poor pup and annoying the heck out of his bug-nin teammate Shino. Several angry restaurant patrons threw Kiba a haughty look for interrupting their meals. "IT'S 1:30! SHE TOLD US TO MEET HER HERE AN HOUR AGO! WHERE IN THE SEVEN FREAKIN' HELLS IS HIIIIIIINNNNAAAAATAAAAAA? I'M STARRRRRVIIIIIIIING!" The exercise had made him even hungrier than before as he leaped out of his 8 foot-deep manmade ditch. He stared at his faithful companion (who had taken on a sickly green shade) and noticed the sad condition his furry companion was in.

"See, Shino?" he exclaimed, teary-eyed, shaking Akamaru back and forth and sideways before placing him atop his head. "Akamaru's so hungry he's near death!"

Akamaru wasn't going to tell Kiba that he threw up a little on his jacket hoodie. Ohh no. He did his best to take his little paw and rub out some of the yellowish mess. Oopsies... that didn't seem to work too well. (Sigh.) It wasn't his fault, you know… delicate puppy tummy and all… Well, if Kiba found out, he could just blame it on a bird. On a brighter note, he was feeling much better.

Shino got tired of Kiba's grumbling and wondered out loud to himself, "I hope Hinata-chan hasn't run into any troubles at home..." The line at ToadEye, the new sukiyaki joint, was growing exponentially, and at this rate it looked as if they wouldn't get seated until dinnertime...

Now Shino and Kiba didn't care too much for sukiyaki, but Hinata had insisted they all share the experience of eating at Konoha's new trendiest eatery together. The two boys had disagreed at first, saying it wasn't their style to dine at fancy-schmancy places, but then Hinata had oh-so-cutely poked her fingers together, blushed softly and stuck out her lower lip just so... and wibbled her lip! (Imagine sparkles, bubbles and sparkly sounds galore.) Argh! Well of course they felt like the biggest cads and finally decided to see what all the hype was about. And besides, Hinata never asked for much. But still...

Curse that freakin' wibble! (And curse the kawaii-ness that is Hinata!)

They begrudgingly admitted to themselves that there wasn't a man alive who could resist her power! Unless they were gay, blind, or a member of the Hyuugas, naturally.

But the smile she gave them when they had agreed had been worth it at the end. Hinata's smile could out-brighten the sun. Shino and Kiba hated to admit it, and probably never would but...

... They were sooo whipped.

* * *

Shino had tried the wibble out later that day, simply out of curiosity. Taking a shower after a lengthy training session with his teammates, Shino took his hand and rubbed the fog off the bathroom mirror. Lowering the collar of his tan terrycloth bathrobe (he loved the luxurious texture, and yes, his bathrobe looked just like his trench coat) to expose his entire face, he concentrated on the correct muscles needed to perform this exercise. 

While in deep thought, some of his chakra cockroaches (blecch) had crawled out of his neck, each wearing miniature towels of their own (hey, free sauna, why not?). When they saw what their host was doing, they quickly made haste back into his body to alert the rest of the colony of Shino's strange behavior.

_"You guys,"_ the lead kikkai bug chattered, or jibbered, well whatever it is that cockroaches speak, to the masses of towel-clad bugs in line for a nice steam bath. _"You do NOT want to be out there! Our Master has gone NUTS!"_

That insult to Shino's ego had accosted those bugs of that night's viewing of "Konoha's Next Top Model". Now the dejected bugs wouldn't get to know who got kicked off until the _next _Wednesday. They certainly learned their lesson: Do not poke fun at the one who controls the remote. Especially when "KNTM" is down to their final three contestants...

Anyways, back to the waiting...

* * *

Akamaru's ears perked up as he could smell Hinata's fresh rosemary-mint scent getting stronger and stronger. He jumped off of Kiba's head and ran into the crowd of people lining the busy streets of Konoha, yipping happily. 

"Finally she's here!" cried Kiba who had also tracked the familiar smell, getting up from his sitting position and slapping the dirt off his pants. He and Shino looked ahead but couldn't see their teammate behind the large gathering of men standing before them. His keen hearing picked up the sound of Hinata clearly telling these men to back off, and Akamaru growling for them to do the same.

Shino's tracking bug had also relayed that same bit of information. Shino narrowed his eyes. However, before the two could jump in to help their friends out, a Xena-like scream pierced the air and men were flying out in every sort of direction. Black Hinata had managed to spin-kick her way out of an annoying situation, and the small workout had fired up her appetite.

She sauntered up to her friends who were just taking in their teammate's new image for the first time.

Kiba was rendered... SPEECHLESS... for once.

"Whoa... _baby_," whispered Shino. Words that Kiba would've said if he could find his voice.

"Hey guys," said Black Hinata, carrying Akamaru in her arms. "Sorry I'm so late..." She studied their faces. "Are you guys angry with me?" She cocked her head to the side and pouted.

Shino and Kiba knew Hinata was cute. But leather... made their innocent little Hinata look... well... **_fuckable_**

Even Shino's kikkai bugs were in a tiff. "HOT DAMN! Who's the BABE?" (In their eyes, Black Hinata looked like a big shiny black beetle.)

The normally stoic Shino cleared some ecchi thoughts from his head and spoke up first. "Kiba wouldn't stop complaiMMPH!" Kiba began to freak out and shushed Shino with his hands.

"What my good buddy here meant to say was how I couldn't stop complaining about how much I _missed _you, Hinata-chan! Right, Good Ol' Buddy Shino?" Kiba forced Shino's head to nod up and down, much to Shino's displeasure. The Aburame summoned one of his bugs and had it bite the source of his aggravation.

"OW!" he yelped, immediately letting go of his hold on the Bug-nin. "GODDAMN, SHINO! YOU FU-…" Black Hinata's eyes were on him. "Ehehehehe… you funny, funny guy… ehehe…" he said through his teeth.

_'I'm gonna kick his ASS!'_ thought each man about the other person.

Akamaru whined. He was so hungry!

"Awww… Akamaru, you must be starving! I'm really sorry!" She kissed her furry friend on the nose.

Kiba and Shino thought, "Lucky son of a bitch…"

_

* * *

_

_A/N: Literally, that IS what Akamaru is… a son of a bitch… eh, whatever._

_

* * *

_

"Here, Kiba- hold Akamaru for a sec. I'm going to see what I can do about getting us a table."

"Hinata-chan, why don't we eat someplace else? The wait's too long. I can take you here some other time… on a date…," offered Shino, who was blushing under his collar.

Within his body, the Hive was humming in approval and doing the Cabbage Patch dance. _"Go Shino, Go Shino, it's your birthday…" _

Kiba couldn't believe his ears. _'That bastard and Hinata-chan? DATE? Over **my** dead body!' _

"Oh Shino," said Black Hinata. She walked up to her friend and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Every kikkai bug swooned. She could've sworn she heard a grateful sigh come from the inside of his body. She dismissed that ridiculous thought out immediately. "That sounds like a lot of fun. But I said that we were going to eat here, and that's what we're going to do! I'll be right back."

While Black Hinata hopped inside the restaurant to talk to the maître'd, Kiba grabbed his friend by the collar and hissed, "Just WHAT the _fuck _do you think you're doing?"

Shino brushed Kiba's hands from his clothing. "I asked Hinata-chan on a date. You got problems with that?"

Before Kiba could _beat _some sense into his love-rival, a waiter walked over to the two men to tell them that the lady had already been seated and was waiting for her two companions to arrive.

Shino and Kiba looked at one another, and then at the long line. Hinata had already gotten them a table? Sweet!

They walked in and saw the back of her head. Booth seating! And it looked like there was an empty space next to her! Kiba excitedly ran over to sidle himself against Hinata's leather-clad form. Shino calmly sat himself across from Hinata knowing better. A yelp could be heard-

Kiba sat on poor little Akamaru!

Kiba felt horrible. "Oh, Akamaru, buddy, I'm really sorry!" He moved his hand forward to rub his dog's head apologetically.

However, Akamaru was still a bit miffed and BIT his master's hand!

Kiba jerked the injured appendage away and yelled, "WHY YOU LITTLE-" He noticed Hinata was looking at him again. "Damn. I give up." He sighed and had no other choice but to sit next to Shino.

Shino and Akamaru. His two closest friends. How he hated them both! Damn them!

Lunch was ordered and served. While Black Hinata and Shino carried on a conversation about who knows what, Kiba created a mind link with Akamaru.

_"You ungrateful scrap of fur, I SAID I was sorry! You just made me look like a big JERK in front of Hinata-chan!" _

Akamaru stuck his nose in the air. _"Ungrateful scrap of fur? I'll show you…" _

With that, he began to whimper softly. Kiba narrowed his eyes. Just _what_ was that fleabag up to?

Shino was less pleased that his talk with Hinata-chan had been rudely interrupted.

"Akamaru-kun! What's wrong?" asked Black Hinata, who picked up the distressed little pooch. She held him to her chest and began to stroke his soft fur. Akamaru threw Kiba and Shino a look that said, 'WATCH THIS' and the two men looked on as Akamaru wagged his tail and placed a wet, slobbery kiss on the corner of Hinata's mouth, causing the Hyuuga to giggle. Black Hinata set Akamaru down and gave him another kiss on the side of his face. "Aka-kun is my first kiss!" she joked. Both Shino and Kiba grabbed the fabric of their seat cushions, each wanting to inflict much harm on the not-so-innocent puppy.

In the meantime, Team Eight was under heavy surveillance and they had no idea that one of them was about to be ambushed.

* * *

_Dun Dun Dun! What'll happen next?_

_Stay tuned for a future pool party scenario and a potentially damaging moment featuring Sasuke!_


	12. Hinata Makes the Best Sandwiches

_here's chapter 12... i hope you like! _

_and again, feel free to send me some of your requests. pairings, upcoming konoha events and what-have-you's. if you want me to come up with these on my own, that's all super-fine and dandy... just wait a while before i bring out another chapter. but in all honesty, and i've been going over these reviews and all, the majority of you seem to want a naruhina pairing. _

_arrgghh... i know what i said and all, but naruhina? ummm what can i say... i don't really like naruhina all that much... i don't hate it per-se, but i'm rather open-minded when it comes to non-canon pairings. i can recommend some **great **naruhina pieces... no one wants a shinohina? or shikahina? jiraiyahina?_

_hmmm... maybe not a jiraiyahina... (shivers)... TOO OLD. _

_genmahina? (fans herself...) now THAT would be DAMN sexy!_

_oh, never mind. i'm just babbling now. _

_thanks to all your reviews (does happy dance with two left feet. yup. i can't dance.) keep them coming! (begs on hands and knees.)_

_

* * *

_

For dessert, the restaurant had served them... chocolate-covered frozen bananas. Because ToadEye had so many customers pouring in today, that was the only fruit they had left. But Shino and Kiba didn't mind. Watching Hinata eat the chocolaty mellow yellow fruit had been **_fan_**_-fucking-**tastic**_. And when she licked the melted chocolate off of her lips... even _niiiiiiicer._

The two rivals for her affections had the goofiest lovesick grins this side of Fire Country. Ahh... if only we could see what Shino hid behind that high collar of his. Drat and double drat.

Shino excused himself for a moment. He had to use the restroom.

* * *

_Not to whack himself off, you pervs! Get your minds out of the gutter! _

_

* * *

_

Akamaru wanted some of what Hinata was having and jumped onto the table begging for a piece. But when Black Hinata softly chided the puppy and told it that chocolate was poisonous for dogs, Akamaru put his tail in between his legs and sulked. However, that mood didn't last long once the white pup heard the distinctive sound of food falling off of someone else's table. He jumped off the piece of furniture in search of his unclaimed prize...

... leaving Kiba alone with a woman he wanted to make _his_. He smiled at the chance to redeem himself for the earlier setbacks.

"Kiba?" questioned Black Hinata, noticing the faraway wolfish grin he had on his face. She laughed, a sound that was like tinkling bells. "You okay?"

He reached over for her hand. "Hinata-chan, have I ever told you how much I lo-"

Before Kiba could woo her with words describing her beauty, 'Akamaru' came back and eagerly jumped into Black Hinata's lap, immediately nuzzling his face into her chest. Kiba growled threateningly. _WTF?_ He was going to MURDER him! _'How DARE he do all the things **I** want to do!'_

Black Hinata could only stare at the furry creature in utter shock. In all the years she knew the sweet little puppy, she never had any reason to think he would do anything _fresh _with her... Every attempt she used to pry the animal away from her chest was in vain. 'Akamaru' had a strange magnetic attraction to her bosom and had now taken it upon himself to use his paws to squish his face between her twin globes like an Akamaru sandwich. Shino had come back from his trip to the loo and he, like Kiba, did not like what he was seeing.

Kiba sniffed the air around Akamaru's butt. (It IS what dogs do, you know!) It faintly reeked of something strange...and it had taken a moment for Kiba to realize that this dog was not Akamaru. The smell was wrong, and on top of that, Akamaru didn't wear a scarf around his neck...

Shino sweat dropped. Dogs and their strange habits... (Like _SHINO _had any right to say anything...)

"Shit, you guys," he whispered disbelievingly, pointing at the 'mutt'. "That," he said, cocking his head to the side, "…ain't Akamaru..."

The three teammates went into shock and stared back at the doppelganger. Whoever this person was would pay dearly.

It was a sight to behold as two of Konoha's finest ninjas were desperately pulling at each one of 'Akamaru''s hind legs in order to unlatch him from Hinata while she pushed from the front with her own two hands. Finally, Shino called for one of his kikkai fleas to nip Akamaru in the bud. It turned out that one wasn't enough. Shino had to request the help of a whole circus of fleas. Shino tried hard not to laugh in this sort of situation, after all, his best girl friend was being openly molested... but circus fleas were always so zany and unpredictable...

"OWWWW!" wailed 'Akamaru'. Black Hinata, from her vantage point, was able to look directly into 'Akamaru''s face. He had a scarf wrapped around his neck and was missing a tooth... and was sporting a bloody nose... who did she know that wore a scarf and lacked one upper tooth...

"_Konohamaru?_" she growled viciously. EW! The kid was around Hanabi's age for goodness sakes! Kid or not, Black Hinata took her hands and wrapped them around the small form of the fake Akamaru and squeezed HARD.

'Konohamaru' was unable to keep the henge up much longer. He'd be discovered very soon if this continued any longer!

Even though Kiba and Shino were equally pissed at the '_gaki' _for violating their friend, it still wasn't right to execute the Third's grandson… he had immunity or something in this town… right?

'Konohamaru' gasped, placing both of his hands on her own and trying to force them apart. Damn, the onna was STRONG! Maybe stronger than Tsunade… The lack of oxygen, not to mention the apparent cutoff of chakra circulation in his body was causing his **second** _henge _to weaken. The hairs on 'Konohamaru''s head was getting shaggier by the second and two red stripes had appeared just below his eyes. The missing gap in his tooth had been mysteriously filled.

Kiba covered his nose. The air smelled like cheap sex, pencil lead and sake. There was only one other person in this town that smelled like this.

Yup, you guessed it-

UMINO IRUKA-SENSEI.

* * *

_Just kidding. As IF!_

_

* * *

_

In the end, it had been Hatake Kakashi who came to save Jiraiya (of COURSE it was him!) from his fate at Black Hinata's hands. He apologized for his idol's behavior and promised the trio it would never happen again.

But really, trying to frame a little kid like Konohamaru for heaven's sake… that was pretty low!

Black Hinata looked at Kakashi warily. The Copy Nin was lying through his teeth! Of _course _it would happen again… Nevertheless, she decided to be the bigger person and accepted the apology. The story had to continue and the authoress wanted to get out of this situation as cleanly as possible. Even if it meant other people might complain about her irresponsibility and the chapter's lack of flow. But then again, "Good Karma, Bad Karma" never had any flow to begin with... nevertheless, apologizing when necessary shows that one has good manners.

At least that's what the authoress tells herself. Anyways...

* * *

The tab had been covered and now Team Eight was walking down the street looking for a way to kill some time. Akamaru had been found playing with the _real_ Konohamaru and his friends Udon and Moegi outside of a bakery. Kiba had a man-to-dog conversation with Akamaru. Essentially, after Kiba made Hinata his woman, Akamaru would get all the belly rubs he wanted in exchange for staying out of his way for the next couple of days. 

Akamaru pondered this for a while and finally yapped in agreement. Sometimes it was nice to make some new friends. Konohamaru, Udon and Moegi knew a lot of fun games, like how to hide from people using a brown blanket and a wooden fence, or _henge_-ing into unattractive overweight girls. And quite frankly, Akamaru didn't think he could stomach another soldier pill. Those things tasted absolutely horrible!

As Shino, Kiba and Hinata continued their walk, Kiba was struck with a brilliant idea.

"Hey, it's getting kinda hot…" he said, gesturing to the hot early-afternoon sun. "Why don't we all gather our swim clothes and head on over towards the lake?" Kiba casually placed his arms behind his back and crossed his fingers hoping that Hinata would agree.

Black Hinata grasped Kiba's arm and gave it a hug. "That sounds like so much fun!" Hinata remembered she had always been prohibited from having fun her entire life, stupid Hyuuga rules and all, and decided her great day wouldn't be limited to playing dirty tricks on her family. "Let's meet over there in an hour! And if we see anybody we know, we should invite them, too! The more the merrier, right?"

Kiba gave her that wolfish grin again and nodded his head in agreement, even though he was disagreeing on the inside. Like _hell_ he'd invite anybody. It was enough that Shino was going to come along. He didn't need any more competition…

The three went their separate ways.

On the way, Black Hinata realized that she didn't have a bathing suit at home. She walked into a store to remedy that problem.

* * *

When Kiba got home, he had a hard decision to make. Clothes were scattered all over his messy bedroom as he stood in the middle of the disaster area dangling two small objects in the air. 

"Thong… or Speedo?"

* * *

Shino, the more organized male in his team, had easily found his swim trunks. They were his favorites- they had the characters from Disney's "A Bug's Life" printed all over them. They were childish, he had to admit, but they were practical. It was the brightest article of clothing Shino had, too. 

Shino went into the bathroom to grab a towel but abruptly stopped and stared into the bathroom mirror again. He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. He just HAD to know...

_'Would it feel like this?' _he mused to himself as he pushed his cheeks together with his hands. _'Or better yet, like **this**?' _the Aburame thought as he took two water balloons filled with warm water (where the hell did they come from?) and placed them on his cheeks imagining that was what Hinata's chest might feel like.

"Ohh yeah," he purred.

His kikkai bugs said nothing. The "Friends" marathon was airing on TBS tomorrow night and they'd be damned if they didn't get to watch!

* * *

_Pervy Shino is much more fun than Pervy Sasuke... let me know what you think!_

_Sorry if I said Naruto would be in this chapter. Obviously he wasn't. Next chapter, definitely. I hope. And there will definitely be some Sasuke. I'll plop in some other characters as well. I miss Shikamaru. Love him to death. Sorry for the poorly written chapter. The story is so whacked out because it lacks plot. HAHAHAHA… It looks like one of those things that'll never end… like a really bad soap opera or something. Gosh, I can't say sorry enough. _

_(I feel like Ritsu Sohma!) **GOMEN NASAI! **_

_I promise to try harder next chapter. Yakusoku! _

* * *


	13. You're Cordially Invited

_Thanks so very much for your reviews! I'm seeing lots of interest in a ShikaHina, ShinoHina, GenmaHina, or a SasuHina pairing. I think I just may go with the Gandhara's ideas for a bit... and let Hinata flirt just a bit more. _

_And yes, what Jiraiya did was a very, very, very bad thing, but there will be some karma going his way very soon... venerial disease, perhaps? Who knows... Also, the idea of Anko making a reappearance sounds great, but nothing too yuri... can't do that. Hmm... what else. Oh! If you want to see any of your other favorite characters make an appearance (or a comeback) let me know and I'll see what I can write in. There's really no plot for this story, I should remind everybody... it's written in fun **for **fun's sake._

**_Please review! It pressures me to release chapters faster! No joke! I'm trying to average at least 10 reviews per chapter!_**

_And off we go, Chapter 13! Happy happy joy joy..._

_

* * *

_

Shikamaru was lying on the rooftop of one of Konoha's many buildings doing what he did best- gazing at the clouds. It used to be a habit of his to make shapes out of the floating cumuli. Unfortunately, his subconscious was playing tricks on him today. Normally, doing this characteristically laid-back activity would put him in a relaxed mood, but ever since his little encounter with the lovely Hinata he had been anything BUT. Every shape he saw, Hinata, Hinata, Hinata.

* * *

_Flashback a-la Chapter 9 (In case you might have forgotten, this happened just after Shikamaru lost his first game of chess to Black Hinata):_

_"Wait-" Shikamaru dragged his hand down his face. Normally he didn't have much in the area of male pride, but he had just LOST A GAME. "You can't just walk away without giving me a rematch." Then he thought to himself, 'Why am I always the only one who has to fight girls?' _

_Inner Shikamaru sighed, rolling his eyes towards the clouds in Shikamaru's head. 'Whatever, man. You know you like it when they hit and yell at you. You are one sick dude.' Who knew Shikamaru could be such a closet perv?_

_Black Hinata looked at Asuma and smiled. "May I take your seat again, Sensei?"_

_Asuma moved aside, allowing her to take his former spot. He observed the Hyuuga out of the corner of his eye. 'What a change,' he thought. 'I can't wait to tell Kakashi about this.' He and Kakashi were gossip buddies._

_Asuma pretended to stretch while the two Chuunins prepared the board. The Jonin instructor could see the gaggle of perverted men who had taken an interest in the exotic beauty. Several had already fallen to the floor sporting gushing nosebleeds._

_"Ladies first," offered Shikamaru._

_'Ooh, smooth!' beamed Inner Shikamaru._

_"Thank you, Shi-kun," said Black Hinata. Asuma and Shikamaru's eyes widened. 'Shi-kun?' they each thought. "However, I must apologize beforehand- I am in a bit of a rush and this game will be quick. I will require no less than 2 minutes and 40 seconds to defeat you."_

_Shikamaru snorted. Asuma laughed. This new Hinata had moxie. Black Hinata smirked._

_Shikamaru got into his strategic pose as his opponent made her first move._

_Eight moves and 2 minutes and 38 seconds later…_

_"Checkmate- Sorry, I win again!"_

_Shikamaru looked befuddled as Black Hinata's Rook piece overtook his Queen._

_"How did you… how did I… Rook..." he mumbled._

_Asuma congratulated the teen beauty. "Good job, Hinata-chan. I wasn't aware you could play so well."_

_Black Hinata bowed her thanks. "Arigato, Asuma-sensei. Actually, I just recently learned how to play."_

_Shikamaru groused. 'I lost to an amateur...'_

_Black Hinata turned towards the disorientated Chuunin- "Shi-kun, you are a worthy opponent. I'll be taking this as my prize," she said, pulling the elastic out of Shikamaru's hair and looping it over her wrist. She then ran the back of her finger along his cheek "Hey- I think I like your hair like this, too. Well, gotta get going! Ja ne!"_

_As she began walking off, Shikamaru jumped up and grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks. Asuma watched surreptitiously in mild interest._

_"Hinata-chan, if I beat you the next time, I get to take something of yours as well?" he said, not being able to look up. He turned, letting go of her arm, blushing slightly._

_Black Hinata contemplated his words for a second and smiled. She bent over, lightly bit his earring and whispered into his ear, sending a delicious shiver up his spine._

_"If you beat me, I'll consider it," she said breathily. She then winked at him, bowed to both men and sauntered off, leaving a whole bunch of bewildered males behind._

_End Flashback._

_

* * *

_

He ran a hand through his unbound hair. "Troublesome," he muttered. "That was my only hair tie, too."

He groaned in frustration and stood up, deciding he had to do something about his wayward thoughts. Stuffing his hands into his pockets he peered over the roof's edge to watch the people of Konoha instead in hopes of getting the redesigned Hyuuga lady-killer out of his mind...

...when lo and behold, who would he see but said lady-killer and her teammates Shino and Kiba walking and talking together. He tried to tune his ears on the conversation and only heard Hinata saying, "That sounds like fun... Let's meet over there in an hour! And if we see anybody we know, we should invite them too! The more the merrier, right?"

Where were they going? He decided he would follow the woman for the time being. Besides, if she ran into him on the streets, she'd ask him to join them in whatever they were going to do, right?

Having a high intelligence quotient had its benefits.

* * *

Sasuke was running all over town looking for either Hinata or Naruto, looking a little worse for wear. He was beginning to freak out, letting his mind get the best of him, when he hadn't spotted _either _one of them since he ran into Hinata at her home (let's say, 2 and a half hours ago-ish?). 

He began to pull at his hair. "WHAT IF I'M TOO LATE?" he screamed, drawing stares from the crowd. What if they were indoors somewhere, doing the nasty? Sasuke's eyes were swirling. "NOO... **_I _**WANT TO DO THE NASTY..." He had inadvertently screamed that sentence, too, causing both women _and _men to flock to him hungrily.

He snapped out of his temporary rage for a moment, clearly annoyed by the gaggle of people who had flounced around him licking their lips in anticipation who thought he was asking for a willing participant for a nice quickie...

"WHAT THE FUCK?" he shouted, giving everybody around him the trademark Uchiha ice-cold glare. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" He disappeared in a poof of smoke, leaving everyone there in a state of confusion.

_'Was he... or wasn't he... GAY?'_ they thought in unison. The women were hoping he'd accept them to prove that he wasn't, and if he was, then they wanted to be the ones to bring him back from the beyond. The men... well, Uchiha Sasuke was just too hot for their own good and having younger lovers were all the rage. Since both parties had been flat-out rejected, they just didn't know what to think.

"What a tease," complained someone who sounded a lot like Richard Simmons. "Gosh, and he's so YELL-y..."

Sasuke was starting to get as bad as his teammates in terms of the sheer volume of his voice. Speaking of which...

* * *

Sakura had dragged Naruto all the way to the front gate of the Hyuuga household hoping to catch a glimpse of the sleek, redefined and ever-elusive Hyuuga Neji, but the moment they saw an overzealous green whirlwind of excitement heading their way, they tried to hide as quickly as possible. It could only mean one thing- 

Maito Gai was HERE!

Now Naruto had no problems with Rock Lee. They were good friends. But that mooky Gai... now _he _was something else. He shivered.

Gai had paused in mid-spin when he noticed the presence of some of his former top-rival's students (remember the Rock had taken Kakashi's place as Public Enemy #1? See Chapter 10 for details.).

"HELLO, KAKASHI'S BRIGHT-EYED PUPILS OF YOUTH'S ETERNAL SPRINGTIME MINUS ONE!" he hollered amicably.

Naruto and Sakura froze in fear. They had been spotted! Sakura didn't take her eyes off of the silly man approaching them as she whispered urgently into her teammate's ear, "We have to separate. If we don't, he'll get us both!"

"Right! That's a good plan, Sakura-chan!" He got into a defensive fighting stance as he waited for her to make her first move before he followed suit, but she was already long gone (it had been her plan all along to sacrifice him to Konoha's Green Beast), and the swift Gai already had his arms wrapped around Naruto in a crushing bear hug! "AAAAUUUGGGHHHHHHH!" the blond screamed! There was no escape from Gai's nefariously gay clutches!

Naruto needed a diversion. (One hour later...) _'Of COURSE!'_

"Gai-sensei," he wheezed. Gai's embrace was making it hard for the loudmouth to breathe. "Look, it's Fuzzy Eyebrows!"

Gai shook with unbridled emotions, whipping Naruto's body back and forth as if he were a rag doll. "NO, NO, NO! You're lying! Why would he be here when he has _the Rock..._" Gai made a stink face "...as his new idol? He's forgotten all about me and all of our past wondrous fires of beastliness!"

Naruto frowned. Damn, what was he talking about? Lee was his own idol? It made no sense. Fires of beastliness? Well, that was new...

"Did I say Fuzzy Eyebrows? Uh, I meant Tenten-chan! Look! Over there! Hey, Tenten-chan! How are you?"

Gai nodded his head disapprovingly. "Kakashi is rubbing off on you, I see..." said Gai, who had released his grip just a little. "Tenten-chan is on vacation. You are a LIAR LIAR PANTS ON** _FIRE!_**" Gai's eyes were aflame at Naruto's audacity to fib in his face!

Naruto gulped. Of all the days for Gai's team to be totally against their sensei... Naruto only had one hope left. He felt foolish for not thinking of this sooner. They _were _at the Hyuuga residence, and Neji _was _a Hyuuga and one of Gai's students...

He didn't take any chances, though, just in case Neji wasn't home... He created a clone of himself and had the copy make itself in Neji's likeness.

"Umm... isn't that Neji walking through the courtyard?"

"Neji?" Gai took the bait. Sure enough, he could see his pupil's making his way towards his home. He unkindly disposed himself of Naruto to twirl and dance after 'Neji'. "NEJI-KUUUUUUNNNNN! YOO-HOO! IT'S MEEEEE!"

Naruto took this opportunity to get as far away from the Hyuuga place and away from Gai as possible!

* * *

The person assigned to watch over the store had come out from the back room several minutes after hearing the door chime in a customer. It belonged to his sister who had run out a while ago needing to pick up some supplies from another merchant. He sighed. _'What a total drag. I don't even want to be here…' _he griped. He would rather do deskwork back at the Hokage's office than do this. 

The man saw a woman with a shapely figure browsing the racks for swimwear. _'Maybe this day isn't a complete loss,' _he thought, straightening out his Konoha standard jonin vest and his trademark bandanna. _'It's time for G-money to get his mack on...' _

Black Hinata perused the selection of bathing suits in the store. She couldn't find one in particular she liked.

"I think you'd look good in this," said a male with a deep sexy voice dangling an indecently skimpy string bikini bottom in the air. She turned around. She stared briefly at the very minimal outfit that also happened to obscure her view of her personal shopper. She pushed the daring outfit aside revealing the dashingly handsome face of one Shiranui Genma.

"Hyuuga Hinata?" he choked, finally discovering the identity of his guest. Whoa! He had no idea... he hadn't seen her since refereeing her fight with Neji in the prelims...

"Genma-san," she chided, walking her fingers up his vest-clad chest and tapping his perfect nose. "Shame on you! You know very well this little swatch of fabric isn't enough to cover anything..."

He quickly regained his wits hoping to save face. "Ahh, Hinata, you've misunderstood my intentions," sighed Genma dramatically, clutching his heart as if wounded. "I merely wanted to suggest an outfit that would flatter your figure..."

"Oh, stop, you!" laughed Black Hinata, mirthfully, swatting at his arm. "But really, Genma-san, I can't swim with my friends in _that_..." she said, pointing at the tiny object that if balled together still probably had less cloth than a band-aid. "Could you find something else for me, please? Something that offers just a bit more coverage... and has a **_top_** that comes with it?"

He scratched the hairs on the nape of his neck, embarrassed that one of the _'Icha Icha'_ tactics he read about bombed so badly. Actually, now that he thought about it, none of the _'Icha Icha' _tactics made any sense... A woman would have to be absolutely stupid, desperate, or blind _and_ deaf to fall for any of these... Just WHO exactly were Jiraiya's test subjects?

"No problem... give me a sec, okay?" he said, as he headed towards the back room and rummaged through some boxes in the back. He came out a few minutes later with another black bikini and Black Hinata took to it immediately. It reminded her of the one Halle Berry sported in the James Bond flick, "Die Another Day". Hot and not hoe-ey.

"Much better! You've got yourself a sale!"

* * *

From outside the boutique, Shikamaru was grinning from ear to ear. "Hinata-chan... shopping for… a bikini..." He tapped his fingers a-la Montgomery Burns from _"The Simpsons"_ and said, "**_Excellent_**…" 

Sasuke happened to poof into the alleyway around the corner and heard everything. _'Hinata-chan? B-B-B-B-B-BIKINI?' _He was drooling! He stopped. Who the heck was talking about his girl? He turned the corner... WTF? Shikamaru? Was he into Hinata-chan, too?

"Whatcha doin' here, Nara?" he deadpanned.

Shikamaru reluctantly peeled his eyes from the shop window and slowly turned to look at Sasuke. "Nothing, Uchiha. Just observing," he said lazily.

Sasuke looked past Shikamaru's head, wondering for the briefest moment why it wasn't in it's customary up-'do, and sure enough, the woman of his dreams was in there talking with Genma who was leaning over the counter saying things to make her laugh.

"Wait just a goddamn minute- who does he think he is _flirting _with MY Hinata-chan?"

Shikamaru whipped his head back to the two people in the store and then glared back at the person standing next to him. He didn't know who to be angrier with- Genma for sweet-talking with Hinata or Sasuke for his pig-headed comment about Hinata being his. Wait just a damn friggin' minute. Wasn't it enough that he had nearly the entire female population of Konoha lusting after him, not to mention the entire gay community (not that Shikamaru was jealous of _that_) but he had to have Hinata, too? Selfish BASTARD!

"_Your_ Hinata-chan? What the hell are you talking about? Why, for the love of Kami, would she want _you_, Sasu-GAY?" Obviously, he didn't care too much for Genma at the present moment, but he was still wary of the older man.

Sasuke twitched, pointing a finger in Shikamaru's face. "W-WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"

"What," Shikamaru quipped, as Inner Shikamaru rolled on the floor with laughter. _'Good one, man!'_ Shikamaru smirked. "You don't like that, you spazz? You like SAS-_UKE _better?"

Sasuke looked to his left and right and placed his hand over Shikamaru's mouth. "STOP IT, YOU ASSHOLE! SOMEONE MIGHT HEAR YOU!"

"Might hear him what?" Black Hinata said, as she and Genma walked out of the store after having heard a loud ruckus emanating from the street.

"Hi, Hinata-chan!" sang Shikamaru and Sasuke, both waving their hands cutely. Then they glared at each other.

Genma spoke up, leaning his tall frame against the doorway while carefully chewing on the tip of his senbon needle. He crossed his arms. "What are you guys doing here?"

"What are _you _doing here," asked Sasuke, eyeing the man suspiciously. He didn't like Genma. Well actually, Sasuke didn't like ANYBODY... other than Hinata and himself...

Genma threw a disgusted look back at Sasuke. Damn, he was just as annoying as his older brother, Itachi. Was there a stick up every Uchiha's ass? "This is my sister's store. I'm watching it until she gets back."

"Mm-hmm! And I think it's sweet that he's helping his family out..." Genma winked at Black Hinata, who lightly pinched his arm and gave him a tiny smile in return.

The gestures didn't go unnoticed by the other men who were seething.

Sasuke pouted. He'd help his family out if he could to impress Hinata… but oh, that's right. THEY WERE ALL DEAD! His hatred for Itachi burned even more… _'Thanks a lot, damn good-for-nothing Aniki…' _

"And look! He sold me some swimwear!" she continued, waving an itty-bitty bag in the air. It was no bigger than an index card. "Shino-kun, Kiba-kun and I are going to go swimming in the lake in a few minutes. You're all welcome to join us if you'd like!" she said, looking at the three men. She sweat dropped. Presently, the guys had faces similar to Ditto, a creature from the Pokèmon series. It hadn't dawned on any of the shinobi that Hinata would use the bikini _today_, even for Shikamaru who claimed to be so intelligent.

"Well, they're probably waiting for me there. I'll see ya later, guys! Invite anybody you see!"

Shikamaru, Sasuke and Genma snapped out of their trances and saw that Hinata had already vanished.

"I gotta grab my swim trunks!" cried Sasuke, who disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"How troublesome… I live on the other side of town. I guess I'll just have to buy a pair," sighed Shikamaru. He made a move to walk into the store, but Genma was much quicker in his actions and had already locked the door.

"Sorry, man. The place is closed," he smiled, waving his board shorts in the air. "Hinata's waiting for me."

Shikamaru looked dispairingly at the door and then pointed an accusatory finger at the retreating form of Genma. "You're supposed to watch the store, bastard!"

* * *

Naruto was running through the trees, still intent on making his getaway from Gai and look for his pink-haired teammate. There was no telling what would happen to him if Gai discovered that the Neji clone was a distraction… unfortunately, Naruto was still a klutz and accidentally hurled himself out of a tree… 

…only to fall into the arms of Black Hinata who caught him bridal-style.

* * *

_Thanks for reading, reviewing and requesting!_


	14. Prepare For Trouble

_Characters, if you haven't figured it out by now or have forgotten… are WAAAAY OOC… and I like it this way. And Masashi Kishimoto owns them. And for the one "Bleach" reference I make later, "Bleach" is the property of Tite Kubo. "Bleach" rocks! Has anybody seen the new epospdes? Holy shenanigans..._

_Oh yeah... back to Naruto-related stuff..._

_Is there anything or anyone in this story I'm leaving out? I'd like to make it all-inclusive, though I wouldn't know how to bring Gaara and his siblings into this fic. Or whether they should be in it or not. I can see Black Hinata forming a friendship of sorts with Temari, but then there's that Shikamaru angle I'd like to keep in…love Shikamaru… easy to draw him chibi-fied… _

_Is there a love dodecahedron going on? Black Hinata's having a bit of fun. She's like the embodiment of a Catholic schoolgirl gone wrong, I'd like to think. But not too horribly wrong… she's no hoe (much to Jiraiya's displeasure). _

_Thanks for all your reviews! goodgirl, I'm surprised that reading my story didn't make you even more ill…and I'm glad you got the Rock quotes (ch.10)… I guess you're the reason why there were so many hits compared to the other chapters…! get well, soon! mI.ShOE, I'm glad you liked the Genma insert! I was more than happy to write it (but Bandai or **someone** needs to create a Genma figurine soon or I'll plotz)! _

_This chapter is in response to all the sad ShinoHina stories I've seen recently… this is dedicated specifically to all the ShinoHina lovers out there… But don't worry… there'll be plenty of other moments shared between Hinata and everyone else! _

_Ah, and I think a couple of chapters ago I said that Black Hinata wouldn't know what was going on with White Hinata and vice versa... well, this story just got so damn confusing... can we just forget about technicalities and all that jazz? This isn't a very technical story, anyway. _

_

* * *

_

The grateful blond was just about to thank his savior until she placed her finger on his lips. "Hold on a sec, Naruto-kun..." Black Hinata said as she set him down gingerly. He observed her, puzzlement written all over his face as he watched as she closed her eyes and held out her arms, palms facing upward. _'ABARAI RENJI!' _she prayed fervently. She paused for a bit, opened one eye, and then gave up. She sighed. _'Well, it was worth a shot...' _"Hey, Naruto-kun!"

Naruto grinned and gave her his patented nice guy pose and thumbs up. "Great catch, Hinata-chan! Oh, man, I was in a huge mess a while ago! I was over at your place and when I ran into Gai-sensei!" Naruto re-enacted the whole scene right before her eyes. "It was crazy!"

Black Hinata smirked. "Did Gai-sensei happen to see Neji-nii-kun? Kukukukukukukukukuku..." She rubbed her hands together wickedly... How she would have _loved _to see that merry little reunion between Gai and his new mini-me Neji... There would be no sunsets for her cousin... only the raging infernos of HELL! (Insert evil cackling.)

Naruto didn't hear her question. Or the creepy un-Hinata-ish grin etched onto her face. As a matter of fact, he had even failed to notice her new look as well as he continued his little ramble... "Hey, Hinata-chan, I got separated from Sakura-chan a while ago... have you seen her anywhere around here?"

If Black Hinata was disappointed that he hadn't paid any attention to her, she certainly didn't show it. However, the more sensitive White Hinata re-emerged from her temporary slumber to ask what had been on her mind for all these years... She looked at the ground as her heart began to ache, her eyes conveying her reaction to the question she already knew the answer to. She refused to shed tears and steadied herself. "Naruto-kun, it'll always be about Sakura-san, won't it? You really like her that much, don't you..." she said wistfully, her voice hadn't even faltered once.

He couldn't even detect the sadness in the tone she used to speak with him. "Sakura-chan..." he chirped, "She's the best!"

"You know, Naruto-kun, you're pretty great, too..." said White Hinata shyly. "You deserve to be happy..." Her words were said in earnest.

Naruto beamed. "You're awesome, too, Hinata-chan! I _KNOW _there's someone out there for you, too! And if he's too blind to notice you, I'll punch him in the face, on my honor as future Hokage!" He pumped his fist into the air, trying to imagine what kind of doofus wouldn't want to be Hinata's boyfriend. "GANBATTE, HINATA-CHAN!"

She giggled, grateful that his comment made her heart feel light again. At least she knew she'd always have Naruto as a good friend. She cutely mimicked his motions. "Ganbatte, Naruto-kun!"

The two broke out into laughter. Hinata wiped the excess moisture from her eyes. "Ah, before I forget- a couple of our friends and I were heading out to the lake for a swim- you're free to join us- you can even ask Sakura-san to come, if you wish..." she said smilingly.

"A swim? Cool!" He clapped his eager hands together. "Then I can show everybody all the new jutsus I've learned from Ero-Sennin!"

At the mention of Jiraiya's nickname, White Hinata flinched and turned into Black Hinata again. Black Hinata's voice became cold, her eyes even colder. "Naruto-kun... if you see that man, he is NOT to be invited..."

The clipped tone of voice she used in reference to his sensei chilled him to the bone. "O-okay, H-Hinata-chan... I- I'll see ya there..." He rubbed the back of his head nervously, wondering what the Toad Hermit did to upset Hinata... Hinata, the most _forgiving _person on his entire list of special persons...and began to walk off to get his stuff and to resume his search for Sakura and stopped when his eyes came across a neon yellow bag that was thrown haphazardly onto the ground.

"Hey, Hinata-chan, is this yours?" He dug into the bag's contents and pulled out what was inside. His bright blue orbs grew as large as saucers and he covered his nose with both hands once he realized what he had been holding onto just milliseconds ago. Black Hinata, in a burst of speed foreign to the loudmouth, caught her bikini just before it hit the dirt.

"My swimsuit! Thanks, Naruto-kun!" She cocked her head to the side. She must've accidentally tossed the bag when Naruto fell from the sky. "Boy, wouldn't it have been just the _silliest _thing if I went swimming without this on?" she chuckled, maintaining her eye contact with Konoha's self-proclaimed resident #1 ramen lover who had just a bit of crimson making its way down his upper lip.

Somehow, the thought of Hinata swimming in her birthday suit had triggered a memory of a beautiful naked girl he once saw at a waterfall several years back on a mission he took with Team Eight… He mentally slapped himself. He was probably spending too much time with Kakashi and Jiraiya… he had _never _thought of Hinata in that way, ever! "Uh, right," he said to himself, his cheeks turning scarlet, his palms sweaty. "Ha ha..." It was a forced laugh, really... the situation wouldn't have been funny AT ALL... He wiped the blood on his lip with his jacket sleeve."That... would... be... uh, silly… Um, I'll... just go real quick... grab my things then…"

"Okay, Naruto-kun! I'll see you at the lake! Don't get lost!" And she walked off, leaving a very confused Naruto to stare after her. He had _just _noticed how Hinata's new clothes seemed to mold to her body nicely and along with that mental image he had of his mystery girl of the past, a part of him had stirred awake and it WASN'T Kyuubi.

He groaned and took deliberately small steps out of the forest. Right now, there would be a great amount of discomfort if he were to run home…

* * *

Yamanaka Ino was making floral arrangements in her family's store when she saw the strangest thing- someone who _looked _like Shikamaru running past her window in a cloud of dust. Ino nodded her head as she went outside... 

_'No... Shikamaru-kun NEVER runs, he's never in a rush... and his hair isn't as nice as THAT guy's...'_ That very same 'stranger' ran up a flight of stairs leading to the Nara residence and had now just jumped out from the second story window with a pair of brown shorts balled in his fists. Ino's eyes bulged from their sockets as Shikamaru's form raced her way. Ino stuck her arm out and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

"Damn, this is so troublesome... Let go of me, Ino!" he said, struggling in her grasp. Why was everyone getting in his way when Hinata was involved?

"Not until you explain to me why you're off in such a hurry!"

Shikamaru paused for a moment. If Ino were there, she'd do anything and everything in her power to get Sasuke's attention! It would be the perfect distraction!

"Swimming with some people at the lake..." he drawled. "I think Sasuke said something about being there, too..."

Something in Ino clicked. "Sasuke-kun?" She disappeared into her shop/home to get primped up. Shikamaru grinned and ran towards the forest. Uchiha Sasuke was a marked man. There was no way Ino would let him out of her sight!

* * *

Sasuke was pissed. He hadn't been the first person to arrive. Hinata's teammates were there, along with that jerk, Genma. 

The four stood in a circle... oops, a square, and just looked pointedly at one another. It was a fairly long staring contest that ended once everyone turned their eyes to the newcomer, Shikamaru.

Kiba growled low in his throat. He was annoyed, too... and that annoyance was heightened by the fact that his shorts kept riding up on him. "Who the hell invited you three?" he said, trying his damndest not to pick his wedgie in front of everyone.

Black Hinata walked out from the water and walked towards the men. "I did! The more the merrier, remember, Kiba-kun?"

Everyone turned to stare at the wet beauty and their eyes followed the rivulets of water that cascaded down her body. The men were in a trance. Do the math, people! Hinata plus bikini equals VERY, VERY, _VERY_ NICE!

"M-m-m-m-m-m-mother of God..." whispered Sasuke. He acted quickly and covered himself with his beach towel. No control whatsoever when it comes to Little Sasuke.

"..." (Shino.)

_"Ooh... This... this is like a scene from one of those 'Icha Icha' channels the Master's not allowed to watch..." _thought his kikkai bugs.

"SO not troublesome..." drawled Shikamaru.

Genma whistled appreciatively and jotted a few notes down on his mental clipboard. '_Body, 10. Looks, 10. Skill... I guess I'll just have to wait and see now, won't I?'_

Kiba wanted to give into his baser animalistic desires and howl. Or rut. Or both. Ahhh, so confused!

"C'mon, you guys! The water's great!" Black Hinata headed back towards the water, pulling the stunned forms of Kiba and Sasuke with her. She playfully dunked the two boys underwater, giving them a birds-eye view of her shapely long legs. Kiba fished out his wedgie at the same time. "Shino-kun, Shi-kun, Genma-san, _hayaku_!"

Genma frowned. He wanted her to call him Genma-kun, too... or maybe even Genma-koi... Hopefully that would change soon, but he needed to get rid of the competition... Nevertheless, Genma liked a challenge. Once he got Hinata to look his way he threw her a killer smile and swam in her direction.

Shikamaru was in lazy mode again. He had tied a piece of rope around Genma's waist while the Jonin wasn't looking and was bumming a free ride to towards the rest of the gang. Once Genma realized that he had been used, he scowled.

Inner Shikamaru was on Cloud Nine, still giddy over what Hinata had referred to him as. _'She called us Shi-kun again! None of the other guys have nicknames!' _

Shino threw off his sunglasses and his coat and joined the others in the water. Genma, Shikamaru and Sasuke stared at him for a moment, then turned away. They each thought, _'He has a **normal** face... and **normal** eyes...'_

Shino thought, _'What's up with them?' _Then he looked down at his attire. _'Maybe they're envious of my cool "Bug's Life" swim trunks...'_

_

* * *

_

Naruto was finally able to make a quick retreat to his apartment, had a quick bite of instant ramen, and with all his swim goodies (beach ball, radio, underwater scuba gear, volleyball, volleyball net and poles, cooler, drinks, towel, snacks, camera, coloring book, crayons...) packed away into a ridiculously large duffel bag, he set off. Or at least tried to- the bag was too heavy!

He removed the coloring book and crayons and tried lifting the bag again. "Much better! Now to find Sakura-chan!"

* * *

Sakura was walking back to her home when she spotted Ino in her swimsuit and a sarong tied around her waist like a skirt. She hated to admit it, but the entire outfit, topped off with the wide brimmed sunhat she was wearing was really, really cute... 

Damn! She hated when Ino looked better than her! But where was she running to, looking all gussied up like that...

_'She knows where Sasuke is!' _Immediately, she went into action and went into her room grabbing clothes similar to Ino's, but just a tad more revealing (she has to one-up her rival, you see), and raced after her former best friend from a distance.

Ino had suspected she was being followed and saw a flash of bright pink just yards away from her. _'Damn, Sakura's going to ruin everything! And why does she have to wear THAT?' _she thought in reference to her competitor's choice of clothing. Quickly making a few hand seals, she made several clones of herself hoping to deter the unwanted Sakura from the right course. Sasuke was hers...

"Damnit!" swore Sakura as she watched several Inos take off into several different directions. Then Sakura skidded to a complete halt.

"Wait... if Ino's wearing a bathing suit, that's because everyone else will be wearing one, too... which means that they've all gone to swim somewhere... and the only place to go swimming around here is the lake!"

Duh...

* * *

Black Hinata tapped a finger to her lips. She watched with mild interest as the boys competed with one another in hopes of getting her attention. It was kind of exciting at first- no one had ever fought over her before. She drew her fingers out of the water. They were getting kinda pruny. She began to wade back towards dry land and walked towards her her towel...

* * *

_A/N: ShinoHina moment in 3...2...1... No! You counted too fast! (Though I can't blame you...) _

_

* * *

_

…only to realize that she didn't have one. She had come here straight from the store and never had the chance to run home. "Oh!" pouted Black Hinata, wringing the excess moisture from her hair. "I forgot to bring a towel!"

Her teammate rushed to her aide.

"You can use mine, Hinata-chan," offered Shino, as he placed his towel over her shoulders. Actually, he wasn't the only person who had wanted to lend Hinata a towel- there were four other pairs of sopping-wet hands that had extended their terry cloths in the hopes that Hinata would accept theirs, but Shino had beat them to the chase. The rest of the men cursed their luck.

"But what about you, Shino-kun? You're wet, too!" She brushed a damp strand of hair from his eyes and paused for a moment. "I know! Here, we'll share this," she said, opening the ends of the towel. When Shino made no signs of moving (because he was so shocked), Black Hinata walked in front of her teammate and wrapped the towel around both of their forms. Her arms were wrapped around his neck as she leaned into his chest. "See?" she murmured. "Isn't this better?"

Shino shivered when he felt her breath on his chest... which led Hinata to believe that Shino was cold (though he was anything but!). So she did what she thought would help him out- she hugged him even closer to her, which allowed the lucky bug-nin to imprint every curve of her body into his memory. Wowie wow wow.

Kiba, Shikamaru and Genma couldn't believe what they were seeing... and Sasuke was so upset he ripped his towel into shreds!

And Shino?

Shino was a very happy dude. A practically naked Hinata was in his arms and she was so warm... Even the kikkai bugs flocked towards the heat source. Shino was glowing like a firefly!

Unfortunately the moment didn't last very long-

Sakura and Ino had just announced their arrivals in a dramatic fashion-

"Prepare for trouble!"

>>>"Make it double!"

"To give Uchiha Sasuke all our love"

>>>"From the depths of the seas to the stars above..."

"Ino and Forehead-girl-"

>>>"Hey!" barked Sakura indignantly. How she _hated_ that nickname, especially when it was fairly obvious that her forehead was actually a bit smaller than Ino's...

"-love Sasuke-kun with all our might!"

>>>"Surrender him now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"

They saw Sasuke and rushed towards him, and even though there was a large clearing in front of the lake and there was plenty of access room to get to where he was, the fastest way to get to him was to run right through Shino and Hinata. The two girls did just that and thus broke apart their embrace.

Black Hinata fumed as Shino helped her up. _'They did NOT just do what I think they did!'_

Shino fumed as he set Hinata back on her feet. '_Those morons ruined everything!' _The hive was abuzz with plans for retribution.

Sasuke fumed as he… fumed. Smoke was coming out of his ears as he went on a hate rampage. '_I hate Sakura and Ino! I hate Shino! I hate Itachi! I hate Naruto! I hate Kiba! I hate Shikamaru! I hate Genma! I hate Neji! I hate Lee! I hate Kakashi! I hate Orochimaru! I hate Kabuto! I hate anyone who doesn't recognize my existence and my superiority! I hate anyone that isn't me or Hinata-chan! I hate anyone who tries to get in the way of me getting Hinata-chan and killing Aniki!' _Fume, fume, fume. _'I hate "Pokemon" and stupid Team Rocket references!' _

There was an audible popping noise. The men had to strain their ears to catch it, what with Ino and Sakura's clucking over Sasuke going on in the background.

Genma, Shikamaru, Kiba, Shino, and Sasuke watched Black Hinata as she cracked her knuckles in distaste. It was one thing if the shove was accidental. But _that _was no accident. No one knocked Black Hinata around and got away with it (remember Hiashi?)

No one.

* * *

_So, was this okay? Let me know what you think should happen next. Here are some future elements to watch out for..._

_-flashing_

_-Shino gets made fun of_

_-Hinata gets angry_

_-Naruto shows off_

_-Naruto gets C.P.R._

_-Sasuke gets embarrassed_

_-Sakura gets embarrassed (but not with Sasuke)_

_-everyone throws up_

_-Hinata and Kiba_

_-Hinata and Genma_

_-Anko_

_-Jiraiya gets karma-tized _

_And lastly, Meri Kurisumasu to everybody, and thanks for reading "Good Karma, Bad Karma"! I hope this story continues to keep you entertained, and I hope you'll continue to show your support for this wacked-out tale in 2006!_


	15. Meri Kurisumasu, Everyone!

_An Impromptu Christmas chapter dedicated to my readers... doesn't go with the story line... it's just here for the holidays._

_Chapter 15- Starring White/Black Hinata and others...

* * *

_

It was Christmastime in the Hyuuga residence and White Hinata was bummed. The Hyuuga guards had managed to capture the heiress (when she wasn't in Black mode) and now she was locked away in her room upon her father's orders with seals adorning the windows and doors to prevent her escape. She didn't know what she had done wrong in the first place... maybe she was being scolded for her new clothes? It did seem awful strange that she wasn't wearing her usual attire...

White Hinata sighed as she looked at the barrier seals sadly. "It's Christmas Eve. I want to be with my friends. I want to be around the people who really care about me. I... I want to have fun tonight..." she whispered to herself.

At that very moment, Saint Nicholas, we all know him as Santa Claus, was making his way down the chimneys of every good Konohan girl and boy, and wouldn't you know it, Santa was going to visit Hinata next- our Hinata had made the 'Nice' list for the 17th year in a row. (You see, the cutoff deadline for the 'Nice' list had ended the day _before _Hinata's alter-ego Black Hinata was introduced. Naturally, Santa didn't know this fact as he shimmied his chubby self through the familiar air conditioning ducts of the Hyuuga manor that led to the kunoichi's room.)

White Hinata heard the distinctive jingling of bells and clapped her hands happily. "Yay! Santa is here!" she gasped cheerfully. (Insert twinkly noises.)

"HO HO HO!" laughed Santa, rubbing his jolly belly as he forcibly made his way inside.

White Hinata twitched, turning into Black Hinata who was PISSED. Just who the frick did Santa think he was, coming into her room however which way he did and calling her a HOE? And in TRIPLICATE? She stayed calm. If Santa pulled another stupid stunt like that, she'd whack him good.

Santa looked at Black Hinata, blinked not once, but twice, and then stared at the list again... this certainly didn't look like the sweet girl who had prepared a tray of delicious homemade lemon-flavored cookies and a nice pot of green tea for him every year... what happened? The person standing before him OBVIOUSLY looked like someone who belonged on the 'Naughty' list. Black leather jumpsuit, black boots with 4 inch stilletto heels, blood-red manicured fingernails...

"Are you Hyuuga Hinata?" gulped Santa. He _had _to be sure... he remembered getting Hiashi and Hizashi mixed up once when they were kids... maybe Hinata had a twin, too...

She sat on her bed and crossed her legs. "The one and only," she replied cooly, flipping open her Konoha I.D. badge. "What's it to you?"

"Um," said Santa, clearly baffled as he took a quick glance at the photo. He scratched his beard and shrugged his shoulders before digging his way through his hefty large red velvet bag. "Okay, then! Well, Meri Kurisumasu, Hinata-chan! This is for you."

Black Hinata regarded the package for a moment and activated her Byakugan. A porcelain doll... what the hell was she supposed to do with that? She was 17, not 7... She peered through Santa's bag and found something even more to her liking- the extra red jacket Santa kept in case of emergency.

"Santa," Black Hinata said cutely... "I'm fairly sure there is a sad little girl somewhere who would love to have an extra doll this Christmas... It gets awfully cold in Konoha... may I have your jacket instead?"

"Oh, but Hinata-chan," Santa started, wondering just how she knew there was a doll in the box when she hadn't unwrapped the gift, "I've already made a set amount of toys for a set amount of girls..."

Black Hinata pouted. "Pwetty pwease?" She was batting her eyelashes, too...

Santa looked at his watch. Mrs. Claus would be pretty sore with him if he gave up his jacket... but the longer he stayed here, the longer it would take to deliver the rest of the gifts. He should've been in Suna by now...

"I'll give you the jacket on one condition," said Santa, as he emptied out some of the contents in his bag onto her bedroom floor. "You must help me deliver the rest of these presents to the good girls and boys of Konoha!"

"I suppose... okay, Kris. You've got yourself a deal." And with that, Santa left her his jacket and shimmied back up the ventilation ducts, and Black Hinata, with her eye for fashion, swiftly took apart a huge jacket the size of a queen-sized bed sheet (Santa is a big man- he could've been an Akimichi) and made a bag to carry all the items in. Next she created a sexy little red dress with white fur trim and matching capelet. Oh, but then again, nothing said holiday cheer better than a hat which she made as well, thus using up every square foot of the jolly man's outerwear.

She took a look at her ensemble in her full-length mirror, dabbed a bit of peach-flavored gloss on her lips and made her way towards the nearest exit. With a quick flick of her wrists, the seals on the window disintegrated (seals were child's play to her- see ch.5), allowing Black Hinata to pull them open.

Brrr! It was cold out, and White Hinata wondered what she was doing standing in front of an open window in such a short dress... sure, the boots she had on went up to just below her knees, but there was still 6 inches of skin that was exposed to the brisk wintery chill. She walked towards her bed to wrap a blanket around her body when she saw a notecard that read_, To Hinata From Santa_.

_'That's right... Santa WAS here... Santa gave me this?_' she thought, looking at the outfit again. She knew she didn't have anything like this in her closet before... _'I... okay... but I really wanted a porcelain doll for Christmas...' _She grabbed a pair of black, fleecy, form-fitting shorts to wear under the skirt for added warmth and quickly donned them after removing her boots. She looked to the side of her bag- Santa had left some presents behind! Oh no!

She sorted through the bag- she recognized most of these names... all these people were native to Konoha. Well, she supposed that since Santa was so kind as to give her a new outfit for Christmas, she should at least repay the favor by delivering these gifts for him. It was the least she could do for the man who was obviously very busy this time of year. She quickly added her own gifts to her friends with the contents of the large sack.

She put her boots back on, threw the bag over her shoulders, and set off on her C-rank mission- C for Christmas. Jumping out of her window, she hopped onto the rooftops ready to spread some Christmas cheer for some deserving boys and girls.

* * *

First stop: Kiba's house. 

She latched open a window and tiptoed into her teammate's room, careful to mask her scent. Oh, she'd feel terrible if she disturbed his sleep. She quietly rustled through the bag, removed two gifts, and set them down on his dresser.

She had knit Kiba a skull cap, and set aside a small package of homemade doggie biscuits for Akamaru. She didn't know what Santa's gift to Kiba was- she thought it would be rude to use her Byakugan and take a peek.

She looked at Kiba and couldn't help herself. She gently touched the markings on his cheeks and gave him a quick peck. Kiba had always been so good to her. "Meri Kurisumasu, Kiba-kun," she whispered, before making her trek to the next house.

Kiba smiled. He had been awake the entire time. "Meri Kurisumasu, Hina-chan..." he said, before drifting back into sweet dreams featuring an even sweeter kunoichi.

* * *

Shino was next on her list. She hoped that Shino would like her gift... actually, it was quite silly, really. It was a headband with springy antennas. She saw them at the store and was instantaneously reminded of the kikkai bugs that served the Aburames. She bought herself a matching one, and in case Shino got offended by her present, she could pull hers out and go, "See? I like mine..." or something like that. 

Or she'd do her wibble. She knew Shino and Kiba were weak to it's power.

She snuck into the Aburame home. It was warm, she noticed, as she traipsed her way into his bedroom. She was startled when she felt someone tap her shoulder. She nearly screamed! Shino was awake!

"S-Shino-kun!" she gasped, clutching the bag to her rapidly beating heart.

"Hinata-chan? What are you doing in my home?"

She blushed from head to toe. "Um... you see... Santa Claus needed some help... and I have your present in this bag..." She began to poke her fingers together. "But Shino-kun, you're supposed to be _asleep_ when Santa delivers your gift," she pouted, wondering why Shino was breaking one of the cardinal Christmas rules.

"Hinata-chan, that's ridiculous... you _do _know that you are not Santa Claus..." Uh-oh. He stopped. Hinata's eyes were shining a little too brightly. It wasn't Shino's intention to make her overly upset over his comment... He removed his sunglasses (for some reason he wore them around the house) and placed them on his window sill. "Aah... I feel myself getting drowsy." He faked a yawn. "Do what you must. And... Meri Kurisumasu, Hinata-chan," he said, turning his head towards the wall in an attempt to hide the blush overtaking his cheeks.

White Hinata placed the gifts on his bureau, kissed her teammate's temple and said, "Arigato, Shino-kun. Meri Kurisumasu!"

When Hinata left, Shino placed his hand on the spot his teammate had kissed. Her lips were so soft...His kikkai bugs sighed happily. _'What a romantic Christmas...' _

* * *

Next: Naruto's apartment. White Hinata was hesitant to step inside. Not because she was nervous around him... but it was actually a bit hard to get through the mess that was Naruto's room. Naruto had what you might call a typical boy's room- dirty, and she hated to admit this, but it was smelly. Like ramen and... 

... sour milk?

Her eyes swept across the quite spacious apartment. And there lay the cheerful and bubbly blond, snoring away in his cute pajama set... White Hinata smiled, feeling a warmth surge through her heart.

She had made him a set of froggy oven mitts for him to use in his kitchen, but she decided to give him an extra gift- she created several clones of herself and had them tidy up his place for him.

While they were busy at work, she set down two small packages on his nightstand. She played with his nightcap for a bit and kissed his forehead, blushing wildly. This was the closest she had ever been to him- the person who always gave her confidence to try her best. "Meri Kurisumasu, Naruto-kun," she said softly.

The copies disappeared as she walked towards his door, leaving the now clean apartment. Naruto stirred awake just in time to see a feminine figure clad in red make her way out.

"Santa Claus... is a WOMAN?" he cried, before fainting.

* * *

Tenten-chan was next on her list. What was once a C-rank mission turned quickly into an A-rank mission. Tenten, being a weapons expert and all, had one of the deadliest security systems in all of Konoha. One false move, and you were instantly turned into a senbon pincushion! 

Maybe getting her a bow and arrow set wasn't a good idea... it seemed like Tenten didn't need more than she apparently had.

White Hinata limbo-ed her way through laser beams, weaved through a series of large circular saws coming from the walls and ceilings, and kawarimi-ed past a rainstorm of senbon before getting to Tenten's bed. She carelessly tossed the pair of gifts onto her side and got the hell out of that crazy housewhile Tenten slept peacefully throughout the whole ordeal!

* * *

Lee's house was quite... interesting to say the least. She thought it would be covered with pictures of Lee and Gai-sensei, however, that was not the case. Gai's body had been cut or burned out and replaced with pictures of a big burly man. 

She had to admit, though, Lee-kun's recent change was very dramatic. She thought Lee was a nice-looking boy with good manners to match, but now Lee had turned into a very handsome boy. The new look must have been attributed to his new friend's role in his life.

Since Lee was a hard-working person and always in good spirits, she knit him a wristband with the words, "Ganbatte always!" stitched on. She hoped he would wear it around town...

"Meri Kurisumasu, Lee-kun," she said, smiling fondly at the energetic boy. She placed his presents next his bedside clock and set out for the next home. Lee continued to dream of adventures with his new idol, the Rock.

* * *

Chouji's room was not anything like she would have imagined as well. Chouji's room... was actually a fully-equipped GYM complete with weight sets, treadmill, elliptical machine, stair climber, and motivational posters of athletes and famous bodybuilders... 

White Hinata whispered under her breath, "Chouji-kun's room looks like it should be Lee-kun's room..." Honestly, it surprised her that there was not a speck of dust on the exercise equipment. Chouji actually_ used_ these things? She didn't want to think poorly of her fellow ninja, but _SERIOUSLY_... She shook her head of the negative thoughts. Chouji was a very nice person who probably had a very slow metabolism.

"Meri Kurisumasu, Chouji-kun," she said, placing his presents next to the empty plate of cookies... apparently Chouji couldn't wait for Santa to eat his snacks so he ate it for him...

Certainly he would appreciate Hinata's gift... a king-sized bag of Korean BBQ-flavored potato chips.

* * *

Sakura-san was next. Sakura's room was quite... scary. Not for the reasons that Tenten's room was scary, but Sakura... she had a Sasuke/Gaara/Neji SHRINE built in... White Hinata looked... for each altar set up for each of Sakura's 'gods' there was a picture collage, a burning candle (blue for Sasuke, red for Gaara and white for Neji), a snippet of hair in a small plastic Ziploc bag (White Hinata wondered how she obtained them... especially Neji-nii-san's), and a pair of underwear from each man. White Hinata shivered. Sakura was a FREAK! And Naruto liked _her_? 

Sakura was not graceful when she slept. She snored rather loudly and she drooled in bed. "SSSNNNNZZZZZZZZ... Sasuke, Gaara, Neji-kun... SSSNNNNZZZZZZZZ... Sasuke, Gaara, Neji-kun... SSSNNNNZZZZZZZ... Sasuke, Gaara, Neji-kun..." Even her SNORING was like a friggin' mantra!

Oddly enough, she had bought Sakura a set of scented candles...

Our pale-eyed Santa's helper dropped the gifts off at the foot of Sakura's bed and hurried towards the next house...

* * *

... which belonged to Ino. Ino-san's room was NOTHING like Sakura's, and for that she was grateful. Ino's bedroom was done in blues and purples, and White Hinata found that Ino had a very nice flair for decor which was probably influenced by her being near flowers all the time. 

She sighed a breath of relief. Surely Ino would like the purple teddy-bear she bought for her then.

She placed Ino's packages on her nightstand, but actually pushed a button which caused the room to shift just a bit...

White Hinata watched in horror as an even BIGGER shrine dedicated to Sasuke appeared. She sweat dropped... Ino managed to collect a handful of Sasuke's baby pictures as well... and while Ino didn't snore, she did grind her teeth and mumble curse words about a certain pink-haired former best friend.

It was settled, then. Every kunoichi in Konoha (minus herself, of course) was STRANGE. White Hinata would be extra careful not to offend Tenten-chan in the future, and steer clear of Ino and Sakura whenever she could.

* * *

Shikamaru's room suited him to a tee. It consisted of a bed, a dresser, a desk, and a lamp. White Hinata giggled softly. "I guess furniture is troublesome for Shikamaru-kun as well..." 

She hoped Shikamaru would like her gift... it was a small cloud mobile, so he could see the clouds whenever he wanted to. She had made it herself.

Even as he slept, Shikamaru had an annoyed look on his face. "Meri Kurisumasu, Shikamaru-kun," she sighed softly, giving him a quick smooch on his nose.

* * *

After delivering the rest of the packages to the children of the local orphanage and various other homes, she realized she was out of presents from Santa, yet she had one gift left- a jar of her salve for one Uchiha Sasuke. 

The Uchiha home was dark and cold. Just like it's lonely inhibitant.

She frowned. True, Sasuke-kun made a lot of mistakes in the past (Orochimaru, anyone?) and was quite grumpy most of the time and snappy and arrogant... but she felt bad that nearly everyone in Konoha (save for Jiraiya, her father, Hanabi, Neji- heck the rest of the Hyuugas, Morino Ibiki and Anko-sensei) had received something from Santa. Sasuke couldn't help being the way he was- so much had been taken from him at a young age.

Maybe she'd be lucky and Sasuke didn't know anything about Santa Claus. She crossed her fingers and made her way inside his home.

When she got to his door, she was surprised to hear a groaning sound coming from inside. Was Sasuke hurt? She crept her way past the door and walked closer to check up on him.

Sasuke was sprawled all over his bed with sweat drenching his pajamas. He kept biting his lower lip... he looked pained.

She dropped her present on his desk and sat next to the restless man, smoothing his hair away from his face. He was burning up!

Sasuke groaned again... "Hinata..." he murmured. "Oh, Hinata..." He was clawing his bed sheets...

She blanched. He knew she was here? She mentally kicked herself for being so loud. If she had to blame it on anything, she would say it was the boots. "H-Hai, Sasuke-kun, I'm here..."

The Uchiha furrowed his brow in confusion... How could Hinata-chan talk to him so clearly when her mouth was full? He slowly opened his eyes...

... and blinked. What was Hinata doing with clothes on all of a sudden? Heck, who cares? It was his dream, he could remove her clothes if he wanted to. Actually, he liked the look... it had naughty written all over it. Who knew Hinata looked so good in red? He'd remember that for future dreams.

He grabbed her head and pulled her in for a deep kiss. She gasped. He paused, then realization dawned on his features once he felt the realness of the texture of her hair, body and the peach-y taste of her lips...

HOLY CRAP, THIS WAS NO DREAM! HE WAS KISSING A REAL LIVE HINATA!

"Hinata-chan, I can explain..."

White Hinata was in a daze. Sasuke had stolen her first kiss... was this possible? Her cheeks were burning! She slowly turned towards Sasuke, waiting for his excuse.

"Uh... Santa came by already and dropped that off..." he said, pointing to a random cluster of leaves and berries hanging from the ceiling.

She cocked her head to the side and finally looked up. Sure enough, it was as he said- that looked like mistletoe hanging up where he said it was.

"Um... well... ano... if it's from Santa... I guess it's alright..." she babbled. She couldn't be angry at Sasuke, then. It was all SANTA'S FAULT! "Um... I should get going, Sasuke-kun... Meri Kurisumasu..."

"Meri Kurisumasu, Hinata-chan," he whispered back as he watched her leave. He couldn't believe he did that. And he couldn't believe she bought his lie! And that wasn't mistletoe... it was a branch from a holly tree in his yard that found its way through a small hole in his roof!

"What a great holiday," he murmured, licking his lips and relishing in Hinata's aftertaste before settling back into his normal nighttime routine... wet dreams featuring his favorite Hyuuga.

* * *

White Hinata jumped back into her room and looked outside. She was still in disbelief over what had just happened. Sasuke had taken her first kiss... her lips... they felt so tingly... 

She heard jingling again. She threw her window open- sure enough, she could see the shadow of Santa Claus slipping across the bright etherial light of the moon.

"HO HO HO! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

A kunai was launched silently into the air and if you were watching the large white satellite at that very moment, you would have seen a silhouette of a bloated man falling to his doom.

Black Hinata flipped Santa the bird. "I don't like being called a hoe!"

* * *

_Merry Christmas, everyone!_

_Santa is not dead._

_Hope you had a laugh!_


	16. Brave Bugs and Angry Uchihas

_A/N: I realize just how tempting it is to keep Black Hinata in every scene. I can't help it, OOC Hinata, AKA Black Hinata, is just easier to write. Sorry to those of you who feel that White Hinata needs some more time in the spotlight… I'll try harder, although it'll cause my brain to hemorrhage. Well, maybe... maybe it would just be **easier** for me if White Hinata started developing a backbone?_

_Let me know how this chapter works out for everybody. _

_Hope y'all had a pleasant holiday season! Thanks for all the wonderful Christmas-y greetings/reviews! On a happy note, I received by 10,000th hit for this story on Dec.29th! Wow! (Shivers) That's scary._

_Let's recap, shall we? _

Ch.1- Introduction

Ch. 2- Meet Black Hinata

Ch. 3- Unpleasantries for Hiashi and Neji

Ch. 4- More unpleasantries for Neji (who I love)

Ch. 5- Again, Neji gets the short end of the stick

Ch. 6- Black Hinata kicks Hyuuga ass

Ch. 7- Kakashi meets the new Hinata

Ch. 8- Pervy Sasuke

Ch. 9- Pervy Shikamaru

Ch. 10- Gai meets the Rock, Lee's new idol

Ch. 11- Enter Kiba, Shino and Akamaru

Ch. 12- 'Akamaru' gets too friendly with Black Hinata

Ch. 13- Genma (who is too smexy for his own good) meets Black Hinata

Ch. 14- Naruto makes a mistake; Ino and Sakura are about to meet their maker...

Ch. 15- CHRISTMAS BREAK! Black Hinata kills Santa!

_The ideas you shared in your reviews were hilarious! So if I do end up incorporating some of those submissions, I hope to do them justice! _

_Enjoy Chapter 16, and Happy 2006! _

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Right when Black Hinata was going to Jyuuken the two annoying twits into the next century, Naruto made his grand entrance. Leveling several trees with the ginormous duffel bag he was carrying chock full of snacks and other fun things, everyone's attention had been warded his way (the way he liked it, too, he-he).

Naruto bumbled his way towards his friends, stalking first and foremost towards his pink-haired crush. "SAKURA-CHANNNN… WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU! LOOK AT ALL THE AMAZING STUFF I'VE BROUGHT!" he said. Then he took in his surroundings, pointing his finger at Sasuke, who was currently trying his damndest to ignore the uneasy feelings he had about Naruto being anywhere _near _Hinata. "OI, SASUKE-TEME, WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

Sakura, getting overly upset at Naruto's rudeness towards her Sasuke-kun, threw a punch in the direction of Naruto's face. Naruto winced as he waited for the impact, yet there was none. White Hinata had stepped forward and grabbed Sakura's hand just centimeters from Naruto's face.

"Sakura-san, how would you like it if someone punched _your_ face for having an opinion?" she said calmly and quietly, looking disdainfully at the hand that was about to mar the face of her friend. "Although it _IS_ awfully rude to call Sasuke-kun such names, Naruto-kun," she pointed out.

* * *

_Yes, White Hinata said this. __

* * *

_

There was a cold chill in the air. All was eerily calm.

The two girls blinked in shock. They had never heard Hinata put someone in their place… EVER.

Kiba and Shino shared the same expression. _They _were the ones who were around her the most.

Naruto decided to take the Himura Kenshin route and "ORO?"-ed. He turned to look at his savior... and flushed the color of cooked crab. Hinata and her bathing suit... So there _was _someone more sexier than the form he had when he performed his Sexy no Jutsu! Then he pulled an Iruka as the blood flowing from his nostrils propelled him backwards into the ground.

Inner Sasuke giggled in glee, not caring that some of Naruto's blood had splattered onto his chest. _'Hina-koi defended me! Bleh, Dobe! Maybe I don't have to worry about the two hooking up after all! Du du du du, du du, du du.. CAN'T TOUCH THIS!' _Inner Sasuke was dancing and twirling whilst doing the Cabbage Patch. Inner Sasuke is the dork that Regular Sasuke isn't.

Genma and Shikamaru just glanced at each other and shrugged their shoulders. All they knew was that Hinata was a nice girl with an equally nice body.

Then Sakura and Ino took another good look at Hinata, and then at themselves, and then in the general vicinity of their endowments and compared them to the ones on the pale-eyed teen standing before them.

At first, Ino felt put off by the fact that Hinata's were larger than hers until she saw Sakura's. Ino snickered to herself. _'HAH! Sakura's the smallest of us three! She's practically a boy! Even Chouji-kun has bigger boobs!' _

Sakura face faulted once she looked at Hinata's and Ino's chests. It just wasn't fair…

When Naruto got back up again, he realized just how inadequate Sakura really was in that area as he turned to look from Sakura to Hinata, back and forth.

White Hinata broke the strange silence that had taken place. It wasn't her intention to create a tense moment, but she was going to further the awkwardness for everybody once more. "Naruto-kun… ano… what are you staring at?" Then she looked down at herself. A black cloud of insecurity washed over the heiress…

Just _what_ was she wearing? Or better yet, what was she _not _wearing? She slowly began to hyperventilate.

Today had been the strangest day… she remembered being scolded from her father, tending to her father's mysterious injuries, then wearing tight leather clothing, being attacked by the Hyuuga guards (she scowled when she remembered this), and lastly her conversation with Naruto-kun. Everything else seemed hazy… her memory was a bit splotchy. Did she have a concussion or something? What was going on? And wasn't she growing her hair out long? She had just noticed it was considerably shorter than before.

She looked at her friends. Kiba approached her, concern in his eyes. Hinata was looking a bit too pale and she was beginning to waver slightly. "Hinata-chan, are you okay? Oi, Naruto! You got anything for Hinata-chan to drink in there?" he said, gesturing towards the ridiculously large bag while he lowered her to the floor.

Naruto snapped out of his mild daze to rift through the duffel. He pulled out a cooler and threw Kiba a can of iced tea. Kiba sat, leaning against a tree and propped his teammate's back against his chest as he popped the tab open with his free hand. He brought the cool drink to Hinata's lips and ordered her to take a few slow sips.

Every man there had been so concerned for Hinata's well-being that the thought of Kiba holding her hadn't phased them in the slightest. That is, until Kiba realized this for himself. He made a hentai observation- Hinata was sitting in between his legs! He nuzzled her neck affectionately with his cheek, much like a dog does towards his mate, and grinned cheekily at the shocked male onlookers. "Hinata-chan," he drawled huskily. "How are you feeling now?"

"Mm... Kiba-kun... Better... Thank you for taking care of me," she whispered, turning her neck up to smile at her friend and blushing once she realized how close his face was to hers. She gulped nervously. Seemingly _all _the guys were acting strangely around her today as well. She lowered her head and poked her fingers together out of sheer habit. "Demo, Kiba-kun... do you think there's something... different... about me?"

"Different? Like how do you mean?" asked Kiba, even though he clearly knew what she was getting at. Hinata wasn't herself today. But he didn't mind in the least. Sure, he always thought Hinata was a great girl and all, but the different sides of herself she was showing kept him on his toes. Kiba knew that Hinata was someone he would never get tired of.

"I feel funny..." she started, drawing her knees into her chest, trying her best to cover herself as much as possible. She wished she had her trusty jacket with her at the moment. "I... this may sound strange, but... I don't remember some of the things that have happened to me since this morning... the strange outfits, cutting my hair... Is there...could there be something wrong with me?"

He hugged her closer to his body. "Hinata-chan, there could NEVER be anything wrong with you. You... you're wonderful, just the way you are." _'Like this, in my arms, wearing a freakin' hot bikini that leaves very little to the imagination,' _he added mentally.

* * *

While the other men were getting their panties in a bunch over Kiba's good fortune, Naruto approached Shino. 

"Oi! Hey, you! I don't think we've met before. I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm going to be Hokage someday!" he said, thrusting out his hand towards the unfamiliar person standing besides Sasuke, Shikamaru, and Genma.

"..." Shino paused for a moment as he regarded the tanned outstretched limb. This was the second time Naruto failed to realize who he was. "Naruto... you don't recognize me? I'm... so... sad..." he said overdramatically. Because, hey, that's Shino for you. Have you heard his voice? It just SCREAMS drama! **DRAMA!**

He regarded the 'stranger' for another moment before whispering in Sasuke's direction. "Psst, Teme! Who's the new guy? He sounds just like Shino!"

"Dobe, that's because it IS Shino!" replied Sasuke, wondering why he had to suffer even further by having the densest people on his team. He stormed back into the water grumbling. Wasn't it enough that his entire clan was dead? Could things possibly get worse for him? How the hell was he supposed to get strong enough to kill his brother if he continued to work with brainless sea monkeys? And how was he supposed to continue his family line if Kiba was trying to keep Hinata all for himself?

Sakura and Ino were just about to follow the brooding Uchiha hunk into the lake, but they fainted happily once Sasuke sent them a glare that said, 'Come near me and suffer my wrath.' Apparently, it was an utterly sexy glare that caused the two girls to lapse into temporary comas. Such was the awesome power of the angstiest member of the Rookie 9.

Sasuke stood waist deep in the water, folded his arms, and pouted. He was so pissed with everything (again, everything but Hinata and himself) that his face turned red and the water around him was boiling.

Well, that's how it appeared. Looking underneath the underneath, Sasuke was angry, yes. However, Sasuke turned red because he had accidentally passed wind into the water. Those bubbles... were really gas bubbles.

Look, just because most people want to think that Uchiha Sasuke is Mr. Perfect doesn't mean he doesn't pee or poo or fart like the rest of us. Just because he's such a cold and stiff person doesn't mean that he doesn't allow his sphincter muscles to relax and let one rip. But since we like Sasuke (er, _I_ like Sasuke), we ought to say that his farts don't smell, unlike a certain blond fox-boy that will go unnamed (and we know his farts reek because look at what they did to Kiba and then during the failed mission to retrieve the Bikouchuu bug, and when we see him pass gas in the anime, it's a sickly puce color. Puce means stinky in the language of colors, if you didn't know it already.)

But we _will _say that Uchiha Itachi doesn't feel the need to perform basic bathroom-related duties because he is the _**q**uintessential **e**mbodiment_ _of **p**erfection_. Because when you're the Q.E. of P, you don't get quibbed for stupid bathroom humor.

It took a while for our dear idiot to process this information. "NANI?" he finally screamed at Shino, causing everyone to flinch. He made circles around the Aburame, poking and prodding his face in disbelief.

Shino's bugs were throttled by the high decibalage of Naruto's loud booming voice. Their host's body had erupted a 9.6 Richter bodyquake! _'Mmmmaaassaaakkkaaa... wwwwhaaaaaaat tttthe hhhhhelllllllll isssss gggggoooooiiiiiinnnnngggg oooooonnnnnnnn?' _they wailed. One brave little cockroach crawled out of Shino's ear to investigate. He slapped four of his hands/legs to his face in outrage! _'How dare this... this... **infidel** poke dimples into Shino-sama's blessedly handsome visage!' _it thought.

"You're Shino? Masaka... You've got to be kidding me! You have normal eyes? I was sure you'd have bugs eyes or something weird like that for sure! All of you Team 8 members are so strange!"

Somehow, Kiba, with his keen sense of hearing, and Hinata, with her ability to catch everything Naruto said, didn't catch his last words.

However, the little cockroach, angered by the audible boy's audacity to hurl insults about his master's physical appearance, as well as the blow directed to the pretty black beetle (1) that their sire favored, decided to go all kamikaze on Naruto's ass and sacrifice himself in Shino and Hinata's name. The little cockroach, whose name was Number 3,060,286,729,576 flew into Naruto's mouth and lodged himself in his throat, causing Naruto to gag and cough, thus ending Naruto's verbal assault on Shino.

Shino watched as Naruto cloned himself to perform the Heimlich (since nobody else seemed to be in any hurry to help him, the poor dude) and shed a tear for his fallen comrade. "Ahh… 3,060,286,729,576... Arigato..." he whispered. The other trillions of kikkai he had were mourning the loss as well, pouring ceremonial wine on a makeshift tombstone as they paid tribute to the one who was the most energetic little larvae in their hive. Things would never be the same without good ol' 3,060,286,729,576.

Finally, Naruto coughed up something- something that dizzily flew its way back to Shino's finger! 3,060,286,729,576 was alive! _'HUZZAH!' _cried the bugs in glee! "Huzzah," said Shino, who gently removed the spittle from 3,060,286,729,576's back before returning him to his friends. _'_

_You 'da BUG, 3,060,286,729,576! You 'DA BUG!'_ they cried in unison, slapping 3,060,286,729,576's back. He bashfully rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed by all the praise and attention he was getting.

_

* * *

_

While the bugs were having their party, Kiba discovered that when he squeezed Hinata's arms, her breasts would press together as well. It became a fun game to the playful Inuzuka until Hinata untangled herself from Kiba's arms. It was nice of Kiba to give her so many hugs, she thought, but her Florence Nightingale tendencies told her to go and see if Sakura, Ino and Naruto were ok.

"A-arigato, Kiba-kun, for taking care of me…" she said, placing a small kiss on his forehead. Kiba turned pink. "I… I guess it will take some time for me to get used to what's going on… like you said, if nothing is wrong, then nothing is wrong!" She shrugged her shoulders and was about to poke her fingers together again until she stopped herself. "Aah, I ought to check up on Shikamaru-kun and Sasuke-kun's teammates!"

"Oi... Matte, Hinata-chan!" Kiba stared blankly as Hinata just smiled and walked away from the spot they were resting at. Just what did he have to do to keep Hinata by his side?

He glared at Naruto, Genma, Sasuke, Shikamaru, and Shino. He needed to think of a way to take out the trash.

_

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(1) the black beetle is the kikkai bugs' reaction to seeing Black Hinata in her black leather bodysuit... she's shiny... like a bug (chapter 11)

* * *

__Just a random thought… does anybody wonder what would've happened if Kakashi led Team 8 instead of Kurenai? Speaking of which… I haven't written her into the story yet! D'OH! _

_And I've been watching some past episodes of "Naruto" because, well, just because, I guess, and I've forgotten just how deep and sexy Shino's voice was (Japanese, not that silly English dub- BLEH)! Shino's voice… can melt butter! BUTTAH, I TELL YOU! (Shivers…) **BUTTAH!**_

Shino: _**"Ahh, Julie-dono... so you love the sound of my voice?"**_

juliagulia1017: _**"Oh, yes, Shino-kun! Your voice... your voice makes my knees weak! It's teh smex! Please... would you please say my favorite word... onegai..."**_

Shino: _**"Do you mean...?"**_

juliagulia1017: _**"Yes! Please! Hayaku!"**_

Shino: _**"Review."**_

juliagulia1017: _**"KYAAAAAH! Shino-kun!"** (swoons). **"Too... sexy..."**_


	17. Naruto Finally Gets It

_As always, characters are OOC. _

_Just a smallish chapter … just something to hold everybody over until I can think of what to write for #18… _

_Was up in Tahoe this past weekend to go boarding with some friends... snow wasn't that great. Bah. _

_So enjoy… and know that if there are things lacking in this chapter, I'll try to remedy that in the next one. And let me know if there are people I'm overlooking (aside from Kurenai- I'm still thinking of when I should put her in)… I already have something devious planned for Hiashi in a later episode (hint- it'll involve some jail time), maybe we'll throw in several bad guys (Akatsuki or Orochimaru? I'll let you guys choose), and… uh… that's all I can think of for now. Oh yeah, Gaara will come to Konoha in a future chapter as well. All I can say about his encounter with Black Hinata… it will be somewhat cheesy, but funny cheesy? I'll let y'all be the judges of that. _

_Oops, I've let my notes get too long again. _

_Chapter 17- Naruto Finally Gets It _

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It had been a relatively quiet day at the office- just a whole bunch of desk work and papers and yet Tsunade didn't care, having decided that it would be a good time to take one of her infamous naps. That was before two ecchi shinobi decided to drop by for a visit. Their topic of discussion? Who else?

Kakashi, the normally 'I-don't-give-a-damn-about-what-you-do-as-long-as-it-doesn't-cramp-my-style'-looking former ANBU was extremely animated as he told his tale about what he encountered at the Hyuuga mansion… Tsunade almost shuddered at the overly creepy way Kakashi's (and Jiyaiya's) eye(s) would look up towards the ceiling as he began to describe the new outfit the heiress had taken to wearing. Matter-of-factly, she was quite disturbed. Was it her imagination, or were there hearts in their eyes?

"So what you're telling me is that Hinata… mild-mannered Hinata… Hinata the chuunin that's too nice for her own good… Hinata who would probably rather fight with pillows than with kunai…" she said, massaging her temples- she shouldn't have had so much to drink last night- "managed to take on four Hyuuga guardsmen- all of chuunin ranking or higher- on her own? Kakashi, of all the fabricated crap you've brought into my office, this one takes the cake…"

"I thought you would think that way, Hokage-sama," the Copy-nin started, "But it's the honest truth. I _wish _I could make something like this up. She's surprisingly a lot stronger than we thought she was. She even managed to do questionable things to her older cousin Neji," his eye twinkled as he remembered just how ridiculous he looked. "Her skill level is amazing."

"And her chest is a lot nicer than yours, you evil bitch…" drooled the Toad Sannin (who had started to doodle a picture of a naked Hinata), before Tsunade deposited him out of the office with one of her inhumanly strong punches.

The Godaime studied the jonin before her. Not once in the entire time he was here did he glance at his dirty novel. NOT ONCE. And Jiraiya, before she sent him flying, seemed to be deep in concentration while massaging his cheeks whilst muttering the word, "Squishy." (Wonder what he was thinking about!)

"She's a lot more confident than before, Hokage-sama. She has discussed a plan to seek retribution against her family for past grievances."

Tsunade folded her hands together as she gathered this new information. It _was _her job as Hokage to see what was going on…

But she didn't like dealing with the Hyuugas. Especially Hiashi. Damn, if it weren't for the fact that the Hyuugas were a really strong clan, she would've had them exiled them a long time ago.

But Hinata was different. Tsunade wondered how a flower like Hinata could grow up with the stick-in-the-mud Hyuugas. She knew Hinata had a hard life from the accounts that Yuuhi Kurenai had shared with her. But for Hinata to somehow all of a sudden develop a backbone of sorts was something that the Hokage questioned herself.

"Kakashi- tell Hinata that I request her presence in my office. I'll need to check out these claims for myself."

Kakashi bowed before Tsunade and left in a cloud of smoke. Tsunade stared out of the Jiraiya-shaped window to look at the villagers going about their daily business. Nothing _seemed _out of the ordinary in Konoha, but sometimes you could never be too sure.

"Oi, Shizune! Make sure no one disturbs me until Hyuuga Hinata arrives!"

"Hai, Tsunade-sama," replied her most trusted assistant.

The well-endowed Godaime went back to her desk to indulge in a well-deserved nap. Nothing cured a hangover quite like sleep.

* * *

Everyone was gathered lakeside (yes, Sakura, Ino and Naruto were up and about) where Naruto was about to propose a talent competition of sorts. 

"Hey! Let's have a contest to see who can perform the coolest jutsu!"

Ino and Sakura groaned. "Naruto- what a stupid idea!" griped Ino.

"I'm game," said Sasuke, hoping to show off his Chidori to his special lady. He stared intently at the back of Hinata's head, willing her to turn around and see the special smile he was reserving for her.

Unfortunately for the Uchiha Avenger, she had turned her pretty little head up towards Genma who had come from behind and had wrapped his arms around her body. "Can people perform combined jutsus in pairs?" he asked, as he rested his chin on one of her porcelain shoulders.

In the background, Sasuke cursed his dumb luck again. _'Stupid freakin' Genma…' _groused Inner Sasuke. Genma was immediately added to the mental list of people he wanted to kill. Somewhere way behind Itachi and Orochimaru, of course. Needless to say it was a long list. If Sasuke had his way, there would only be two people left on the planet and he wouldn't have minded restarting off the world's population with his Hinata.

Sasuke spaced out as he began to fantasize about re-populating the planet with Hinata. That would mean tons and tons of SEX! He grinned happily.

White Hinata tried to will herself to stay calm. She smiled awkwardly before she felt him being pulled away. She stared as Shikamaru used his _Kagemane no Jutsu _to pry him off of her.

"Shikamaru-kun?" she questioned.

Inner Shikamaru face-faulted. _'So we're back to Shikamaru-kun? Oi… this is so troublesome…' _

Shikamaru thought fast as he scanned the group. "There are nine people here. Pairing off in twos would leave one person without a partner," he said nonchalantly, even though he had no intention of participating in this little game. Lazy is as lazy does.

Kiba piped up. "So, who goes first, then?" He was excited to show Hinata some of the new moves he and Akamaru picked up. And then he frowned. Oh yeah. He sent Akamaru away. Damn.

Naruto ran into the water before anyone had a chance to delegate the order of contestants. He scratched the back of his head. "He-he, EVERYONE WATCH THIS!" he hollered as he performed _Rasengan_ in the water while combining it with his _Uzumaki Naruto Rendan_. Five Naruto clones appeared on the water and kicked around the extremely powerful chakra ball as if they were playing a game of soccer. White Hinata clapped appreciatively- Naruto's skills had improved greatly.

Sasuke, Shino, Kiba, Genma and Shikamaru looked put out as their jaws dropped to the floor.

Sakura and Ino looked worried. They doubted Sasuke had anything that could top the trick Naruto pulled off.

Sasuke grumbled. _'I'd be able to do that, too, if **I **had a freakin' Kyuubi demon in **my **body… stupid Naruto…' _

Naruto walked off of the lake's surface and pointed his finger in everyone's faces. "HE-HE- BEAT **THAT**, GUYS! Who's next? Oi, Hinata-chan! Why don't you give it a go?" he asked, as he coaxed her into the water.

White Hinata looked around. _'Oh, why not,' _she wondered to herself as she walked on the water's surface towards the center of the lake, giving herself enough of a distance from her friends so that she wouldn't hurt them.

"Shugohakke Rokujuyon Sho!" Everyone watched amazed as White Hinata 'danced' on top of the water. It really was quite breathtaking. Everyone was spellbound.

Sasuke, Shikamaru, Genma, Kiba and Shino wore goofy grins on their faces. "Kirei..." they muttered simultaneously.

Sakura and Ino looked at each other. They didn't like the looks Sasuke had been giving Hinata all day.

Naruto stood dumbfounded as he wondered why he was experiencing dèja vu all of a sudden… Mother Nature helped a bit by allowing a few large clouds to drift above them, momentarily giving the forest the appearance of being nighttime.

Nighttime… super pretty girl on the water… sprays of H2O making her look absolutely enchanting and ethereal… he had finally put two and two together.

Naruto screamed, causing Hinata to stop her jutsu and everyone to turn their attention towards the blubbering idiot that was drowning in the shallowest area of the lake. Ino pulled Naruto out of the water as Sakura began to slap his face in order to get the loud boy to quiet down.

Hinata came out of the water a little hurriedly and didn't notice that the straps to her bikini had come loose, not until she saw Sasuke and Shikamaru's noses burst open with a waterfall full of blood and followed the trail of their eyes back to her body.

"AAIIIEEE!" shouted White Hinata, clearly embarrassed, as she used her arms to quickly cover her chest.

"SORRY, HINATA-CHAN!" said the two red-faced boys apologetically, even though they weren't sorry at all…

Kiba, Shino and Genma were FURIOUS! Furious with Shikamaru and Sasuke for seeing Hinata's boobage, and furious with themselves for not being able to catch a glimpse.

Sakura huffed. How _dare _Hinata flash her goodies before Sasuke! _'That WHORE!' _thought Inner Sakura. Forgetting about Naruto's condition, regular Sakura stood up, went into the water, and purposefully cut the top of her own bathing suit so that it would unravel quickly.

"SASUKE-KUN! MINNA! LOOK HERE!" They all turned towards Sakura reluctantly (minus Naruto). "OH NO!" she cried fakely, placing her hands on her cheeks as if she were distressed. "MY BATHING SUIT IS COMING APART!"

And just as she said, it fell apart, revealing her tiny chest. Kiba looked and threw up immediately, followed by Shino, Sasuke, Genma, Shikamaru, Ino, Hinata, and finally Naruto had woken up and looked to see Sakura topless on the water and he too blew chunks. It was a vomit domino effect caused by seeing the most disgusting thing in the entire Naruto universe.

Even Lee had stopped by with his new best friend, The Rock (who had recovered nicely from Gai's _Dynamikku Entori_), and decided to give up on his love for the pink-haired girl. She was no longer as wonderful as he had adamantly claimed she was as he and the wrestling superstar next to him began to toss their cookies.

Sakura took one good look at the newly redesigned Lee and forgot that she was standing half-nekkid. _'**This is LEE? **Hot **DAMN**!' _thought Inner Sakura.

Lee looked at The Rock, who gave him a look that said, _'You know what you have to do'. _Lee took a deep breath and cocked his nicely groomed eyebrow in true Rock fashion. He lifted his hand in the air where a microphone proceeded to descend from the sky.

"WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA, YOSH!" he started. "WHAT, YOSH, IN THE BLUEST OF BLUE HELLS IS **THAT**!" he cried, pointing towards Sakura's chest.

Everyone alternated from being amazed by Lee's new transformation (going from geek to chic) to yelling at Sakura to put her top back on. Sakura was mortified and confused by everyone's reaction. She looked down-

She could've just SLAPPED herself. How could she be so foolish? She started to cry hysterically. She looked at her precious Sasuke-kun and the new hottie Lee for the last time and began running back towards the direction of her home. She'd leave Konoha as soon as possible and start a new life- move someplace where no one would know her name or her miserable little secret...

It took a long while for the people back at the lake to recover from their shock. They shivered in repulsion.

_'And everyone thought **I **was a freak,' _thought Shino, who went to the water to rinse out the vile taste of vomit.

_'And everyone thought **Lee** was a freak,' _thought The Rock.

_'And everyone thought **Shino **and **Lee** were freaks,' _thought many of the others who decided to follow Shino's example and clean themselves with water.

And Naruto just stood in his position, pieces of the up-chucked ramen clinging to his mouth and jaw, and stared at Hinata.

Hinata was the ultra pretty girl from the waterfall!

Naruto fainted again once he realized that he had seen her naked before!

* * *

Why is Sakura a freak? Why is the authoress such a hater? 

Just what was this thing that Sakura kept hidden for so long? Why can't Sakura stay in Konoha?

Everyone had seen her birthmark! But this was no ordinary birthmark, people. This outlandish skin deformity stood out in the middle of her chest. And unfortunately, she also had a huge MOLE on said birthmark.

It appeared as if Sakura had a weird third nipple. Mole-y mole-y mole-y.

* * *

And somewhere in the backdrop of the forest, there was another witness to the madness. 

Kakashi had seen it all. From the glorious viewing of Hinata's breasts all the way to Sakura's strange abnormality. He knew he had to follow Hokage's orders and deliver Hinata to her office, but Kakashi had another pressing matter at hand.

He had to go home and change his mask.

Bloodstains and vomit are _so_ hard to clean out.

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_Sorry it was so short and WEIRD! The well in my brain has gone dry._

_And as always, review if you can!_


	18. Praying For A Second Chance?

_Okay, I guess I owe some people (cough-Sakura lovers-cough) a bit of an apology... I **was **harsh. I'll admit that. But then again, we're all entitled to our own opinions, and I'm lashing out at all the stories that feature her. What freakin' gives, man? Why her? I think she's rude, obnoxious, single-minded, a backstabber... the list would go on and on if it weren't for the fact that I have a chapter I need towrite. _

_I can't like her. Sure, she's gotten much stronger in the manga, and she seems to have matured a bit. I'll give her credit for that. Other than that... bleh. **I don't like her**. If she wizens up and starts to dig Lee, I'll give her some respect. But the moment she gets drooly all over Sasuke... gross. No offense, people, but I'd rather see Sasuke gay or dead than to see him paired up with Sakura in the end. Gay or dead, I tell you!_

_Anyways, if this story ceases to be funny because Sakura is no longer in it, anonymous, let me know. I aim to please... well, most of the time._

_Also, I am going to challenge myself to write a story for every Hinata pairing I like. I've done the SasuHina, the NaruHina, the NejiHina... it's time to do a ShinoHina, KakaHina, ShikaHina, KibaHina, ItaHina, GenmaHina, IruHina... and whatever else I come up with. Maybe even a KabuHina... sighs._

_The chapter is probably my shortest ever. I'm having problems with the next chapter, which is going to be all about Hiashi's crappy day. That chapter is about... 70 percent done, but now I need to figure out a way to end it and create a sort of leeway for chapter 20... Holy moly, when I started this story, I had no idea it would ever come this far... I thank all of you readers for inspiring me to write! Sankyuu all!_

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White Hinata gulped. 

She had noticed the lusty stare Naruto had thrown her way. She then frowned. Chotto matte! Sure, in the past she would have _loved _to see him look at her that way and pay attention to her, but earlier in the forest he had stated that Sakura was his dream girl. And now that Sakura was out of the picture, _she_ was the next girl to take his heart by default? The more she thought about _how _Naruto could be so fickle with his heart, the more upset she became.

She wasn't going to be _anyone's _second best. Not now, not ever.

And just like that, Black Hinata was back.

She turned her head to the side and saw Shikamaru glaring past her towards Naruto. Apparently Shikamaru hadn't liked the way Naruto was looking at her. In a bold move that surprised even Black Hinata, the lazy genius wrapped his arms possessively around her waist.

"Hinata-chan… should we head back to the water?" he drawled.

"Mmm… that sounds like fun, Shi-kun," she said playfully as she folded herself out of his arms and led him by the hand into the water. Inner Shikamaru did a fist pump in the air. _'YES! And we're back to Shi-kun again!' _he cried happily. (Inner Shikamaru seems more genki than regular Shikamaru, ne?) Shikamaru didn't say anything as he enjoyed the seductive swaying of Hinata's firm backside.

On the way Black Hinata had grabbed Ino's hand as well.

"Come on, Ino-chan! Grab somebody and let's have a water fight!"

Since Ino was out a best friend (remember Sakura moved away?) she shrugged her shoulders and followed Hinata into the lake, grabbing the nearest male (who happened to be Shino) with her.

Kiba, Genma and Sasuke decided that they were going to follow Hinata into the water, too. And on a further note, the men hoped for another wardrobe malfunction to happen on Hinata's part.

Lee and The Rock walked up to Naruto shaking their heads. "Dude," started The Rock, placing his hand on his shoulder. "Looks like you blew it back there, Jabroni."

"Huh?" asked Naruto, snapping out of his temporary trance. "Blew what? What's a Ja-bro-ni? And who the hell are you?" he said, looking up. Damn, this guy was tall! (To tell you the truth, I don't think I know any short Samoans myself.) "And Fuzzy Eyebrows! You've changed! Sugoi!" he said, admiring the way Lee's muscles would flex every time Lee inhaled and exhaled. (Naruto is not gay in this story, but for some reason I seem to have made him sound like Luffy from "One Piece".)

The Rock quirked an eyebrow in fury. The Rock's inner persona pouted. How come nobody knew who The Rock was in Konoha? Not having anyone recognize The Rock's Hollywood status was proving itself to be detrimental to The Rock's state of being. The Rock would have to go home to The Rock's wife and adoring fans soon or The Rock would plotz.

Lee interrupted The Rock's thoughts. "Naruto-kun, don't you know?" he said, trying to reaffirm everything The Rock had stated earlier.

"Know what? I don't know ANYTHING!"

_'No shit,' _thought The Rock, still miffed over The Rock's lack of popularity in these parts and by the sheer rudeness of the odd boy with whiskers...

"Didn't you know that Hinata liked you?"

"NANI!" screamed the blond. "SHE DOES?" He then smiled. '_Hinata likes me? Well of COURSE she likes me,'_ he thought, rubbing his finger under his nose_. 'I can do cool jutsus, I learned to do the Rasengan in 3 days, I kicked her cousin's ass, I'm funny, I'm going to be Hokage someday...'_

Wait just one confounded minute...

Naruto's eyes began to swirl. No way... "YOU MEAN SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME NOW?" he exclaimed, hoping that Lee would tell him he was joking or something, even though everyone knew for a fact that Rock Lee was not a liar.

Lee simply gestured towards the water. "She looks like she's clearly over you to me."

And sure enough, Hinata was surrounded by a gaggle of admirers who were vying for her attention.

The color drained from his normally tan body as he recalled everything he said to Hinata in the forest.

_"You're awesome, too, Hinata-chan! I KNOW there's someone out there for you, too! And if he's too blind to notice you, I'll punch him in the face, on my honor as future Hokage!"_

Oh, how he wanted to thwap the side of his head with a large stone right now! He practically GAVE her away to those... to those... FOOLS! He had always been told he was slow and dense, but now... God, how could he be such a CHUMP?

He still had a chance... didn't he? It wasn't too late, was it?

"Everyone knew she liked you, too, Naruto-kun," continued Lee, who didn't know he was making the blond feel even worse about himself and his predicament. He then paused. "Well, everyone except _you_ that is." The Rock strode over to Lee and impatiently whispered something into his ear while throwing a glare at Naruto. "Ahh, sore ja, Naruto-kun. Sumimasen. My friend, The Rock, wishes to leave this place. Good luck to you- if I had a flower like Hinata-chan, I wouldn't give her up without a fight." Lee winked encouragingly as heand The Rock walked off, leaving Naruto to his thoughts.

So, all those times Naruto thought Hinata was a shy, dark-haired weirdo who often colored red whenever he was around... that was because she LIKED him? And to think he saw that nearly every day and didn't know how to put two and two together... She was probably the only girl in the village who was actually enamored by him! And not only that, she was the freakin' Waterfall Girl! His one true love! (Sakura who?)

Lee was right. He couldn't give up. If Hinata liked him before, she could like him again. He looked at all the men standing in the water making asses of himself. If there was one thing he was good at, it was making an even BIGGER ass of himself! He'd prove to her that he was worthy of her affections the only way he knew how- by making everyone else look like total losers!

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_And that is chapter 18, and I owe you my apologies for the short, short chapter. And I've made a promise to some of you that I will not to pick on Neji-kun anymore (but that's after I write my Neji-Gai chapter). Love Neji, but so will Gai! Hint Hint, Tee hee! _

_As of right now, I am very low on ideas. So, I want to know what you guys would like to see in upcoming chapters. Yes, there will be the appearance of our favorite Sand siblings, but is there anything else you would like? Please let me know so that I can accomodate them to the best of my ability! anonymous, you can even request the reappearance of Sakura if you wish. I'll do my best to be very open-minded about this. So, until next time, bye bye!_


	19. Ghetto Hiashi

_As far as this chapter goes, I hope I am the first writer to portray Hiashi as, well, read on to find out! _

_And much like Chapter 10, this is just another very random and weird chapter. You have been warned! Actually, you could probably just skip this chapter. I swear to you that it won't make any sense. _

_And on another note, I don't like flames. I do appreciate CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, but any hurtful words delivered towards me will just be deleted. So this message is for Jaques Rico, someone I'd like to consider scum of the earth. This story is written for fun, and if you, Mr. Rico, think it's pure torture to read it, well then fuck off and puh-lease read something else. Sheesh! It's that friggin' easy. And a big thank you to **cheh** for having my back! Lord knows this story isn't "Pride and Prejudice" or "Gone With the Wind" but I'd like to think that it has its fun moments. Bleh! Flamers suck! If you don't have anything nice or helpful to say, well... I hope you get bitten by rabid animals and go to hell. _

_Do I need to remind everyone that characters are OOC and that they belong to Masashi Kishimoto? I'd think that if I've already tortured you with 19 chapters you'd all know by now. Wheaties is from General Mills, I think. I'm not going to go down the cereal aisle of the supermarket just to find out... Jules is LAZY!_

_

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_

Hiashi was not having a good day. His whole schedule was thrown out of synch and there was only one person he could blame for it all:

Himself? Pshyeah right. It was highly doubtful.

It was all Hinata's fault. '_Damn that twit!' _he thought contemptuously. His ears reddened. Hiashi was PEEVED!

This is a daily recount of what Hiashi-sama goes through on a daily basis. The Hyuugas are all about routine and sticking to them!

As per usual...

**5:30am**- He wakes up, brushes his teeth, and then washes his face. He brushes out his long mane of hair. Cleanliness is next to Godliness in the Hyuuga home.

**5:35am**- Eats his breakfast of Wheaties (because it's the Cereal of Champions, and Hiashi believes that ALL Hyuugas should be champions. And like most people of Asian descent, Hiashi enjoys his breakfasty num-nums with unsweetened soy milk because most of the Hyuugas (and 90 percent of Konoha's population) are lactose-intolerant. Of course, he will **_never_** let Hinata eat the family cereal because in his eyes she will never amount to anything. She is not a true Hyuuga. She is not a champion.).

(However, Hinata **_is_** lactose-tolerant, as she is tolerant of many, many things. And the authoress apologizes for the strange rant about cereal and milk. The authoress, if you are curious, though she knows you are not, is also Asian and lactose-tolerant. She also believes that it is difficult to speak in the third person, as she has clearly done so here. She also eats Crispix because it doesn't get soggy in milk.).

**5:45am**- Meditates. In reality he's just thinking of how the Hyuugas are _so _much better than the Aburames, the Akimichis, the Inuzukas, the Naras, the Uchihas, the Yamanakas, etc... and wondering why a Hyuuga hasn't been nominated to fill in the position of Hokage yet. And then he reminds himself that Hyuugas are too good for the position of Hokage. He has this inner battle with himself every day.

**6:15am**- Visits the grave of Hizashi. Pretends to pray and pay tribute to the brother who sacrificed his life in order to save his own. In actuality, Hiashi is taking a catnap, catching up on lost sleep. And Hizashi, from beyond the grave, holds his head in his hands (heh- get it?) and wonders to himself why he wasted his life for such an ungrateful aniki.

**6:45am**- Trains his daughters. Well, he pays more attention to Hanabi's training. In his eyes (and well, the rest of the Clan) Hanabi is well on her way to become the Heiress. Hinata is hopeless. She makes little to no errors, but that's still not good enough in Hiashi's eyes.

**8:00am**- Literally beats into his eldest daughter's head (that would be Hinata, of course) that she will never amount to anything and she will forever be an embarrassment to the Hyuuga name.

And the day would continue on with more clan meetings, a light lunch, even more training with Hanabi, father and daughter tea time (where Hiashi and Hanabi bark orders at Hinata who is forced to serve them their beverages), perusing the pages of guarded Clan secret documentations, another nap, a sensible dinner, and after an hour of television (Hiashi liked to watch "Dr. Phil" and sneer at all the dysfunctional families that were out there, not realizing that his family was just as dysfunctional, if not more) he has a relaxing bath in the furo before retiring for the night.

But not today. Today was drastically different from any other.

Today was the day that shit happened. Instead of beating Hinata until **8:40am**, everything went ker-plunk from there on out.

For starters, his daughter, the one he was convinced was nothing more than a piteous waste of genes, the one he had always discredited, the one he believed would never become a successful kunoichi, had snapped and thrashed him pretty well at **8:03am**, breaking a few of his bones and even managing to knock a few teeth out of his mouth.

When she finally left his bloodied and broken body at **8:21am**, he frantically searched the courtyard for the perfectly sculpted enamels, yet they were nowhere to be found (he didn't know that Hinata had pocketed them as a souvenir). Realizing that he had to tend to his other more serious injuries, he stopped by the family medic who was able to set the bones back in place at **8:52am**, but Hiashi would have a limp on his right side for a few more days. (**9:24am)**-Since he was never able to find his missing cuspids (the ones that Black Hinata had pocketed as a souvenir), he had to settle for fake teeth. And unfortunately, the only thing the family dentist (who happened to live outside of the compound all the way on the other side of town) had to offer were gold teeth. Sadly (and coincidentally) he was out of the right kind of plaster to make the white ones. You know, like _normal_ teeth.

At first Hiashi had flat-out refused to take the gaudy-looking things, but tonight was corn-on-the-cob night at the Hyuuga household and it was hard to eat corn without a full set of molars. The operation was fairly quick, and Hiashi tested out his new set of chompers. They were okay, but it just wasn't the same, he told himself. To be forced to suffer this way until Dr. Acula got his order in... He sighed. Dr. Acula had also ordered him to take a few painkillers, which Hiashi downed with a fullglass of water **(10:32am)** and told him to go home as quickly as possible since the drugs were pretty strong and would take effect Lord knows when **(1hr 02min**, **to be precise)**.

When Hiashi walked out of the dentist's office** (10:33am)**, there was a slight chill in the air. Since it would take a while for him to return home, **(10:41am) **he purchased a cloak (which, unfortunately only came in one color, RED. He shuddered, as it was his least favorite color since it reminded him of the strange eyes of those damn Uchihas, his backwater relatives) and secured the polyester-knit garment around his shoulders.

The wind had picked up slightly, and because he didn't want his lovely hair to tangle, he figured he would have to purchase a hat as well. There were some new head covers in the accessories shop as he browsed the racks. He took one in his hands. The velvety hat was just slightly different from the Western-style brimmed hats he had seen lately. The shopkeeper said it was called a _fedora. _Strange name, he thought, as he chose one in a pristine white color with a cheetah-print band wrapped around it. It had an abnormally large frilly blue feather accent tucked behind the band, but he shrugged it off. If it was fashionable, then so be it. Maybe he'd throw the feather away later. But for now he didn't care much so long as it kept his luscious locks in place **(10:59am)**.

As he walked, his leg began to bother him. Curse his daughter for inflicting bodily harm upon him! He had no other choice but to go into a store **(11:06am) **to purchase a cane. But because he was such a tall man, there was only one walking stick that had comfortably suited his needs. It was a large stick carved out of ivory (it resembled a pool stick) that had a gold ball as it's handle. It was gaudy, but it couldn't be helped. Dang, he was spending a lot of money today! It was a good thing he was rich!

**(11:14am) **Hiashi strolled down the streets of Konoha in his strange get-up. People stared at the ornately dressed man and would bow their respects to him. Occasionally Hiashi would say hello in place of nodding his head (since his neck hurt, too) and the sunlight would reflect off of his 14K gold half-smile and the many rings he wore on his fingers (showing off his overly-rich status). In essence, Hiashi looked like a straight-up old school mother-fucking **P-I-M-P. **(Insert the theme song to "Saturday Night Fever"- "Staying Alive" for added enjoyment!)

Two women of questionable virtue began to flock towards him just as his perfect vision began to blur a bit **(11:21am)**. He staggered and the women, thinking that if they at least tried to help the Hyuuga figurehead back to his home they would be well rewarded, offered him their shoulders for support. So now Hiashi (looking ever so much like a ghetto superstar) was pimp-walking with two hoes under each arm and he was so stupefied by the effects of the painkillers that he didn't realize that what he was doing looked... illegal. Heck, he didn't even know that these women were butt-ugly!

**Pimp **plus **Hoes **equals **TROUBLE**, or so that's what Ebisu (the closet pervert/jounin) thought as he saw a strangely dressed man parading his escorts around town **(11:27am)**. He shook his head in disappointment. Didn't these people have any sense of common decency? There were children playing in the streets, for goodness sakes! He prayed fervently that his occasional ward, the Third's grandson, Konohamaru, wasn't anywhere near this part of town.

Ebisu whipped out a pad of paper and began filling out a citation. Oh yeah, whoever this guy thought he was would pay a fine for trafficking hookers! He boldly approached the strange man. "On behalf of Hokage Tsunade, you have been served for public debauchery and violating the laws within the borders of our beloved Fire Country," he announced, as he handed Hiashi the ticket **(11:28am)**.

Hiashi, because he was unable to make out the strange words (his brain's been rendered useless because of the strong medication), he carelessly tossed the paper to the floor and walked away with the hoes. "I'm Hyuuga Hiashi, _bitch_," he slurred, turning towards the side so that Ebisu could hear every word. "I don't have to obey Konoha's laws. I AM THE LAW!" And then Hiashi began to laugh maniacally while the hoes giggled playfully.

_'Lord Hiashi-sama? What the hell is going on? How... how dare he!' _Ebisu fumed. At this point, he didn't care if Hiashi could _Jyuuken_ his ass into next Sunday. What right did this bastard have to think he was above everyone else, let alone the commandments of the First through Fifth Hokages? Ebisu stomped up towards the arrogant Hyuuga and watched as he succumbed to one of the painkiller's side effects: drowsiness **(11:34am)**. Hiashi fell promptly to the ground, snoring loudly and sucking lightly on his thumb.

At first, Ebisu thought this might be some sort of dirty Hyuuga trick, but after 3 minutes or so, Ebisu shrugged his shoulders (inwardly he was relieved that Hiashi was unable to put up a fight), told the hoes to scram (after giving them his phone number… Ebisu wanted some nookie later on), and hoisted Konoha's noble on his shoulders, making a mad dash towards Konoha Penitentiary **(11:40am)**.

Ebisu also had a report typed and ready for Tsunade to read immediately (since it IS Hyuuga Hiashi who's sitting behind bars), but it had already been established that Tsunade didn't wish to be disturbed until a certain somebody was standing right before her very eyes, ready for observation.

Hiashi would wake up hours later **(4:56pm) **encased in a jail cell (that had a chakra-inhibitor set inside) with a splitting headache and find himself wrapped in the burly arms of an affectionate 360-lb. inmate named Bubba who was _very _into the idea of sodomizing the pretty man lying next to him.

And unfortunately, with Neji being reluctant to step outside of the compound (because he's embarrassed about his new look), Hanabi still suffering in the toilet with the runs (diarrhea), and most of the Hyuugas in bad shape (because of the de-habilitating effects of the Chocolate Starfish-no-jutsu), there was only one other person who could make a plea on behalf of Hiashi's innocence or fork over the bail money and set him free.

Hinata.

Hmm... It looked like Hiashi would miss corn-on-the-cob night and "Dr. Phil".

* * *

_That was really strange. I gave you fair warning, didn't I? I think I'm getting dementia from just writing this story._

_Anyways, I'm going to leave Hiashi's fate in your hands._ _I'm not all that excited about leaving him in there with Bubba, but if you think either White or Black Hinata ought to punish Hiashi, that's entirely up to you! Or do you believe Tsunade should have her way with him? (Shrugs shoulders indifferently.)_

_And finally, I'm loving all the ideas you guys are giving me for the story! KYAAAH! I feel like a kid in a candy store! Sankyuu!_


	20. The True Origin of Overly Dramatic Hugs

_It's official... I have lost my sanity. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA... HA... (crickets chirp loudly)... HA..._

_So... did everyone enjoy pimped-out Hiashi? Hee... It's quite embarrassing that I could even come up with that... And thanks for some of your submitted ideas! I really am drawing blanks when it comes to ideas for future chapters. There is actually a poll that I hope- actually, I'm going to beg on my hands and knees- that you will participate in... just random ideas about what you want for this story! I'd be grateful if you readers can help out in any way! Thanks! _

_Also, on another note, I am so happy that "Good Karma, Bad Karma" has made it onto some of your favorites lists! Or maybe I should thank Hiashi... or is it pervy Sasuke, Shino, Kiba, Genma or Shikamaru that floats your boats? Or maybe it's simply the wonderful, beauteous creature that is White/Black Hinata? Heh… _

_And finally, thanks to all of you who submitted those beautiful reviews! KYAAAAH! I'm so happy! And the strangest review I've received by far has been from 'peanut butter jelly time'. Yes, I love Seth MacFarlane... and me, being the cuckoo person that I am... I managed to get your song in my head! Thanks a lot!_

_And now, on towards another meager piece of bizarre filler that I like to call Chapter 20. _

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"I'm very sorry. I can't allow you to come with me. Not this time."

"Please! Please let me go with you!" the man cried despondently, crawling on his hands and knees. He tugged desperately at the younger man's pants before realizing that the man standing before him wasn't phased in the slightest. He broke into a sneer. "Why? WHY? It's because of **_her_**, isn't it? **ISN'T IT!** TELL ME!"

The other man sighed, trying his best to blink away the rapidly forming tears. It pained him to see his mentor like this. But rules were rules, and Kakashi had made a promise to his Hinata-chan that Jiraiya would stay as far away from her as possible... And if Hinata-chan got mad at him, the chances of them making babies together and repopulating the world with beautiful Hatake children would be next to nil!

Now Kakashi knew that Sasuke had his eye on Hinata ever since he got him good with the Subliminal-Message-no-jutsu. But Sasuke be damned! Kakashi knew he was waaay more sexier than Sasuke! Besides- Konoha needed _more_ **Hatakes** and _less_ **Uchihas**!

The lecherous author studied his student for a moment. He couldn't believe it! Begging wasn't working on his number one fan? Kakashi NEVER said no to him before! Jiraiya thought for a moment before he finally pushed his lower lip just so, pulling out his ultimate trump card... The Guilt-Trip-no-jutsu. "Don't... don't you wuv me anymowe, Kakashiiiii...?" he pouted in his most innocent chibified voice as tears streamed down his face.

The sheer torture of it all! '_Am I a man, or am I a cold, heartless beast?'_ Kakashi thought to himself as he began to quake with emotion. The copy nin couldn't TAKE it anymore!

"**JIRAIYA-SAMA!**" he wailed, stretching his limbs out wide in a motion to take into his arms the greatest influence of his life.

"**KAKASHI!**" cried Jiraiya, running into Kakashi's strong, muscular body. (This is the only time where I'd actually _want_ to be Jiraiya...)

"**JIRAIYA-SAMA!**"

"**KAKASHI!**"

And as the two light haired hentai-loving nin embraced, the sky burst into fireworks as dozens of half naked women held up the flag of Sweden, one of the most sexually promiscuous countries on the planet, waving it proudly in the air. Condoms and birth control pills rained from the heavens, promoting that the best type of sex was the protected kind, especially when you didn't want to be tied down to various women demanding child support.

And just to let you know, Kakashi and Jiraiya were the **_pioneers _**of overly dramatic hugging. Gai and Lee didn't start it, like everyone had thought.

Let us take a trip back in time, a time when Kakashi was but a wee post-pubescent lad without a Sharingan eye and the Yondaime was still alive. (_Insert flashback sequence bubbles here_.)

We all know that the Yondaime (cough-Naruto's dad-cough) was Kakashi's sensei, and the Yondaime was once the pupil of Jiraiya. And sometimes, Jiraiya (when he was out of money from his frequent visits to the liquor store and the whorehouses scattered around the seediest areas of town) would often drop by to check in on his former student and his impressive team (Rin, Obito, and of course, Kakashi) and offer some pointers to the impressionable Genins.

And did you know that Kakashi wasn't always cool? That he and Gai were once best friends? That Hatake Kakashi used to look even DOOFIER than Gai before Gai took pity on a once pitiful excuse for a human being and made him into something? But then Kakashi left Gai to pursue the number one _girl_ rookie of their class?

Gosh! Just like Sakura and Ino!

Just kidding. That didn't happen between Gai and Kakashi. I'm sorry I lied to you. (Bows head in shame.)

But Gai, too, was under the apprenticeship of another great Konoha sannin- and I bet you didn't know this either, but it was OROCHIMARU! And actually, Gai did have his own assigned Jonin sensei, but he wanted his own sannin mentor to be on par as Kakashi's rival. Originally, he had gone to the wonderfully boobacious Tsunade for help, but she merely flicked him away with her Super-Powerful-Flick-no-jutsu. Because two of the three sannins were unavailable, Orochimaru was the one he went to because he was the only one left. But Orochimaru didn't know this. Of course not.

And sadly, if you haven't guessed this already, I am totally pulling this out of my ass, too, but I would simply DIE if Kishimoto wrote this into his manga somewhere... I mean, 'cause really. If someone _told _me that Orochimaru was Gai's sensei, I'd be forced to believe it myself somehow, even though Orochimaru is all about forbidden _genjutsu _crap and Gai's all about the _taijutsu_ techniques. But seriously, guys. The weirdness, the blatantly obvious hints of being into the boy on boy love, the constant need to prove that they're so much greater than everyone else, doing things in the name of glory and power- (i.e. Orochimaru's attacks on Konoha and Gai's little matches with Kakashi)? Eh? Eh? I mean, why the hell _couldn't _this have happened?

_Anyways..._

For the sake of this bizarre story, Gai and Orochimaru _hated _that Kakashi and Jiraiya thought they were cooler than everybody else. Why? Because it simply wasn't true! Gai, with his über-hot Konoha standard green body stocking and Orochimaru, with his wheat-colored dress with sexy slits on the side and thick purple rope belt thought they were the shizzle fo'rizzle, my dizzle! The two eccentric men thought they were absolutely STYLIN'! And nothing screamed SMEXY better than mushroom haircuts and super long femininely flowy locks. (And is it just me, or does Hanabi bear a strong resemblance to Orochimaru? Scary…)

But when Gai and Orochimaru caught Jiraiya and Kakashi in one of their affectionate embraces complete with all the special effects, it was game over for the two jealous onlookers.

(Nobody knows this, but Gai, when nobody was looking, collected as many condoms as he could, thinking that he could bed more women than Kakashi and Jiraiya COMBINED.)

(Furthermore, Gai has yet to use the rubber/latex contraption for it's rightly designed purpose... and even if he WAS fortunate enough to use one, condoms carry an expiration date, or so I've been told. Or heard on the telly. Somewhere. You see, Gai WAS the real 40-year old virgin. Only Wikipedia says he's 27. But come **_on_**! He does NOT look 27! Freakin' Asuma is 28 and he looks _waaay_ younger than Gai! WTF? And Genma is listed as being 30. Cripes, man!)

Gai and Orochimaru looked at each other and KNEW that they had to top that. It was bad enough that they couldn't come up with snazzy comebacks to Kakashi and Jiraiya's great one-liners. The phrase, **_"I know you are but what am I"_** was getting really, really old. They _had _to be the best at hugging or BUST!

So the two frighteningly bizarre men met in the dead of the night to practice all different sorts of hugging positions, thus resulting in the birth of Orochimaru's little-known forbidden technique, the Kama-Sutra-no-jutsu. (Jiraiya somehow managed to watch and illustrate each form in detail, with Orochimaru sketched as a woman, of course, and sold the collection of drawings in a 64 page booklet under a different name, his first best-seller, _"Icha Icha Tactics Vol 1"_). (And yes, for all you technical people out there, I do know that "_Icha Icha Tactics_" was Jiraiya's 3rd book, written after _"Icha Icha Paradise" _and _"Icha Icha Violence"._)

Finally, the day came when Orochimaru and Gai were ready to challenge Jiraiya and Kakashi as the best dramatic huggers ever. It was a lovely day in May and Orochimaru and Gai waited for several hours before Kakashi and Jiraiya _finally _decided to show up (late, as per usual, too, I might add). Kakashi and Jiraiya both agreed that the contest was stupid and inane, but Gai and Orochimaru could only say that if the two men backed out now, it would mean that they were forfeiting because they knew that they were going to lose.

And before the test could even _begin_, Sarutobi Sandaime appeared before Orochimaru and told him that he knew about the snake sannin's sketchy ploy to become immortal, having found dozens of dead Konoha shinobi in Orochimaru's mom's basement/ chem lab. And because of these dastardly deeds, Orochimaru was out of the running for the title of Hokage, and Naruto's dad became Hokage instead. (This is no lie. And if you didn't know that, then I suppose this was a spoiler to you, then! Oops!)

This greatly infuriated the hideous lizard/man/thing who then swore to get even with Konoha someday and ran off to join a ragtag bunch of missing nin known as the Akatsuki, leaving an appalled Gai all by his lonesome to face off against Kakashi and Jiraiya.

And if you're seen hugging yourself, then you only succeed in looking like the saddest motherfucker ever. Which Gai did. And it sounded a lot like this:

"**GAI!**"

"**GAI!**"

"**GAI!**"

"**GAI!**"

... but with a lot more crying. Because it truly was a pitiful sight. Naturally Gai lost, and Kakashi and Jiraiya were still known as the coolest shinobi huggers ever. That's why, in a time when Gai and Lee were still bosom buddies, Gai wept- it was because he remembered a time in his springtime of youth when there was nobody to hug.

_End of flashback. _

Going back to Kakashi and Jiraiya…

"So you'll let me go?"

"In the world of the ninja those who violate the rules and laws are called trash. However... those who don't take care of their comrades are worse than trash."

"Kakashi," sniffed the Ero-sannin, viciously wiping the barrage of tears from his eyes. "That... that was beautiful!"

"**JIRAIYA-SAMA!**"

"**KAKASHI!**"

"**JIRAIYA-SAMA!**"

"**KAKASHI!**"

"But still... I will not allow you to come with me. I can accept being worse than trash this one time. I'm very sorry, Sensei. Hinata-chan awaits!" And just like that, Kakashi de-materialized right before a stunned Jiraiya could do anything to stop him.

"I'll get you for this, Kakashi," muttered Jiraiya, who was going to look for Hinata despite the little restraining order. Jiraiya, like Hiashi, thinks he's above the law as well. "See if I ever give you an advanced copy of my books again, you damn bastard! **YOU'RE AS DEAD TO ME AS YOUR DEAD NON-EXISTENT SISTER!**"

_

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_

_End of chapter. And now you can CLEARLY see why I need your help- so I can stop making bullshitty chapters like these and go back to writing stories that help with the invisible plotline! _

_Poll: choose one letter and one number, if you please! Do not vote for more than one! And be warned... the letter and number pairing may not be what you might have expected! Letters and numbers that appear in second and third place will appear in a future chapter._

**_Who and what would you like to see in the next chapter? _**

**_Note: Poll will close in 5 days (Feb 1, 2006 at 5:00pm PST)_**

_**Note:** I am tickled pink that I have gotten some votes in already, but I repeat- vote for **ONE** letter and **ONE **number** ONLY!** (Or vote anonymously... that's just the same thing, only I wouldn't be able to tell, really...) _

**_

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_**

_A) Akatsuki (namely Itachi)_

_B) Gaara, Temari and Kankurou_

_C) Orochimaru and Kabuto_

_D) Hanabi_

_E) Neji and Gai_

_F) Bubba and Hiashi_

_G) The Rock and Lee_

_H) An update on Akamaru, Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon_

_I) Anko and Ibiki_

_J) Kurenai_

_K) more Shino, Kiba, Sasuke, Naruto, Genma, Shikamaru_

_L) Iruka_

_M) Kyuubi _

_N) Gai and Lee happy reunion_

_1) sleepover_

_2) fighting_

_3) kidnapping_

_4) a trip to a steamy onsen_

_5) very random game show_

_6) karaoke! (sorry, I get so excited about karaoke...)_

_7) Hinata teaches somebody a lesson_

_8) a wedding_

_9) someone gets jacked_

_10) someone gets hospitalized_

_11) the carnival comes to town (idea submitted by Amaya and Ayame-nee-san)_

_12) Dance Dance Revolution (another idea from the aforementioned duo)_

_13) **strip poker. HAH! I'm kidding. geez- I'd have to change the freakin' rating, then. 13 IS NOT AN OPTION. It's like a hotel or another big building. There is no 13th floor. It jumps from 12 to 14, so 14 is really 13 by default, but because 13 is so unlucky it got renamed to 14. **_

_14) (AKA the real #13) Black Hinata kicks her family out of the compound and interviews for new roommates _

_

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_

_And your votes do count! Especially if you're getting sick and tired of the very random chapters and miss Hinata-chan! I'm both thankful and sorry that you read this! _**X3**


	21. Itachi's New Career Move

_Okay, everybody! This is what you voted for, so here it is... CHAPTER 21! And my apologies for the wait... I really got distracted by all these other ideas I had... the truth of the matter is, I can't really have organized thoughts. So in a sense, though I appreciate the time everybody took to vote, that sort of messed me up because it didn't give my brain the kind of freedom it needed to... uh... do whatever it wanted to do, which was to THINK ON ITS OWN! So this chapter will be the ultimate grab bag... it'll be a weird fusion of most of the things you wanted to see... and then I'll try by best to drag it out throughout the other chapters. We happy? I hope so. I thought my head was going to explode!_

_

* * *

_

There was only so much playtime at the lake anyone could take. Ino yawned. "I'm kinda bored, Hinata-chan. Maybe we should do something else?" she asked hopefully. 

Black Hinata nodded her head in agreement, stretching her lithe arms behind her head. Ino was quick to notice the way all the men trained their eyes on her new best friend, praying for a chance for her breasts to spring free from their confinement...

Ino was baffled. How did Hinata, really shy and quiet Hinata, turn every guy in Konoha into her fanboy? She just didn't get it. She herself had confidence, sass, a pretty face, smarts... Just what did Hinata have that she didn't have?

_Someone _within that group must've prayed hard enough, for at that very moment... a very errant piece of string began to unravel... and...

**BOI-OI-OING!**

It was a pleasing sound to their ears.

"Oops! This really is a poorly crafted piece, Genma-san," commented Black Hinata as her bikini top flew open once again. This time _all _the guys caught a glimpse of the two perfect globes of flesh and each one of them fainted from massive blood loss.

The Yamanaka teen sighed in resignation. _'It's the boobs,' _she thought sullenly, looking at her own average-sized chest and wiping away her _own_ little trickle of crimson that found its way out of her nose. Not that Ino leaned in that direction, mind you, but Hinata's pair were nothing short of _spectacular. _Someone was just a wee bit jealous.

"Ino-chan, let's find something fun to do!" said Black Hinata, who stepped out from behind a tree fully dressed in her leather jumpsuit as she dragged the surprised cornsilk blonde out of the forest. She decided to discard the little bikini top in a nearby trash bin since it was rendered useless (and yet provided a few moments of intense pleasure to those who were going to write the makers of said bikini a very nice thank you note!) and Hinata, whether she's in Black or White mode, does NOT litter, because littering is for bastards (like Jiraiya and Orochimaru).

_'What the hell is she WEARING? It's the friggin' middle of SUMMER!' _Ino was confused beyond belief. "Uh, r-right, Hinata-chan... let's go!" she said, trying to tie her sarong back on as she allowed Hinata to drag her out of the forest and back into town. Ino secured the sunhat on her head, took one last glance at the fallen enamored Konoha shinobi and decided that she would study her new friend and learn some new tricks.

A shaky hand reached out for Hinata's retreating body, but it was ignored as Genma urked out weakly, "...kun... I... want to... be... called... Genma..._kun..._" before passing out once more.

For the time being, it looked like the boys would be down and out for the count.

* * *

It was at that very moment that Konoha's very own Uchiha Itachi crossed through the eastern borders of Fire Country undetected. The dangerously smeXXXy S-class missing nin had realized that his place wasn't with the Akatsuki and left Kisame and the other members behind for good. 

Now that his little escapades with the motley crew were over and done with, he discovered that he had very little to do. The Uchiha's eldest son finally wanted to come home and spend the rest of his days with his foolish little brother.

Yay! It would be like another fabulous family reunion... and how Itachi missed Sasuke. Missed messing with the little dork's head and making him feel like crap just by being totally more awesome at everything. Missed being everybody's favorite class-act older brother.

Are you confused? Just why wasn't he with Akatsuki anymore? Allow me to explain

Simply, Itachi was tired of killing, hence his fallout with the Akatsuki. Itachi had killed in so many different ways and it was getting kinda old. Too routine. And Itachi hated routine. No one was better than him in killing, or torturing, and so he figured out that he was the best at what he did and that was that.

It was like eating too much pizza and realizing that you never wanted to eat another slice ever again.

Not a good enough excuse? Let me try this one on you...

Sometimes it sucked to be the Killing Perfection, the Uchiha Prodigy. Murdering people didn't bring him the kind of fulfillment he thought he would find. And you see, it was during one of these massacres that Itachi had discovered another love, one that allowed him to express his love of violence without getting other peoples' blood on him. As he entered the home of one of his many would-be victims, a head-bopping 17-year old boy was watching the BET network (Black Entertainment Television) listening to some white rapper named Skittles.

Skittles' lyrics were powerful and held a message. Itachi had a message that he wanted to convey, too-

_"Fuck with me and die."_

And after he spared the family, from that day forward, Uchiha Itachi was in love with hardcore rap and everything associated with it:

Blingy necklaces, blingy watches, blingy rings, blingy... everything. Baggy clothing, backwards baseball caps, puffy jackets, Chandon, Cristal, Courvoisier, Crunk Juice, you get the point. He discovered that he wanted people to stick around to hear him wax lyrical... Itachi didn't want to be a lone wolf anymore...

Itachi was a changed man.

Spinning the black diamond and ruby-encrusted custom-made Sharingan wheel pendant on his platinum necklace and adjusting his Gucci sunglasses, he cryptwalked (yes, you read right... Itachi had used his bloodlimit and taught himself some moves) down the road and sang a **happy** little ditty to himself, one that he composed one night during one of the Akatsuki's many killing escapades, and it went a little something like this: (song sung to the tune of Dr. Dre's "The Next Episode")

_**"La-da-da-da-da... it's the one and only I-TA-CHI (Uchiha, motherfucker!)...**_

_**La-da-da-da-da... you know I'm killin' with the Akatsuki…"**_

"Ah. I'm going to have to change the last part of that song," he said to no one in particular as he continued his song through the forest. "I hope you cleaned the crib up, my brotha'... Aniki's coming home!"

Hell had frozen over.

* * *

And speaking of hot places, just minutes later, Suna's very own Gaara, Temari and Kankurou had crossed the WESTERN borders of Fire Coutry for their bi-annual meeting with the Hokage. Hopefully Tsunade had taken care of some of the housing arrangements, since the Sand siblings were staying for well over a week... (but knowing Tsunade, she probably forgot to order somebody to take care of things). 

There were many things to discuss, Akatsuki, fair trade, the weather, the latest gossip (Kankurou especially needed to talk with Kakashi and Asuma about these things), change of area codes, the alarming rise in the price of gasoline, etc., etc... You can't just expect to cover all of that in a day... besides, the Sand siblings are a busy bunch, and the new Kazekage (only he had already been Kage for 3 years already) needed some down time. He needed to learn how to chill. Ever since Shukaku had been extracted from his body, he had been a little sullen. Hopefully the trip would do him some good. Gaara needed to chillax.

They had no idea that things were going to get a little crazy from here on out. And Gaara had no way of knowing that he was going to have the funnest week of his life.

* * *

When Black Hinata and Ino got to the Yamanaka residence, Ino had wanted to shower and change before hanging out. Since Hinata had nothing better to do, she decided to go home for a little bit and rest. 

When she got home, she wasn't too happy.

There was a note affixed to the door, written in the perfect penmanship practiced by everyone in her family. It said,

_Hey, you disgraceful piece of trash! You don't live here anymore! Go away! _

_Signed, the Main and Branch Houses._

_P.S.- You'll hear from our lawyers for what you did to our family! Have you no shame? A seal that looks like a butthole? You could have practiced some maturity on your part! Really! The nerve!_

_P.P.S.- Your things are out on the street._

_P.P.P.S.- Your floors were all sticky when we gathered your things! How dare you call yourself a Hyuuga? Don't you know that cleanliness is next to godliness in this house?_

_P.P.P.P.S.- We're reminding you to go to the post office to have all your mail forwarded to your new address. Whatever mail we get that's in your name, we're going to toss out! _

Black Hinata refused to read the rest of the note. Her family was stupid. _She _wasn't going to be evicted, not when she lived in a perfectly good house. No.

Her _family _was going to have to find a new place to live. She rotated her shoulders and flexed her fingers. It was time to take out the trash.

Starting NOW.

Starting with a few hand seals, she got an army of 15 Hinatas together and got them to stealthily maneuvre themselves around different parts of the compound. One of the Hinatas had made her presence known to one of the Starfish-seal-cursed relatives, and that Hyuuga immediately began to turn interesting shades of purple. Another Hyuuga, an untainted one, saw the spectacle and immediately shouted, "We're under attack!"

Every Hyuuga stepped out into the middle of one of the largest courtyards unaware that the Hinatas had them surrounded. It was a fairly quick battle, but only because the authoress lacked the skills necessary to create such an amazing battle scene. Regardless, everyone knew that the Hyuugas were ill-fated since the start of this story, and the Hyuugas were easily defeated by the one Heiress and her sexy clones.

"Please don't kill us," begged one of the Elders. "We'll do ANYTHING!"

"Okay," stated Hinata simply. "I want to move back in..."

The other Hyuugas looked at each other, horror written on their faces.

A vein appeared on Black Hinata's perfect forehead, the one that Sakura lacked. "I wasn't finished talking, you morons. I want to move back in, and you losers are packing your bags- y'all are moving out." As she was saying this, she was removing the imaginary dirt out of her fingernails.

Another Elder spoke up. "But this has been our home for generations! Where will we go? What will we do?"

"I don't know, and I don't care. You have 30 minutes to get all your crap and move out of here. Whatever gets left behind is mine to own, ya got that? Capisce?"

"But Hinata-sama-"

**"I SAID MOVE OUT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! I'M NOT JOKING! YOU WANT SOME MORE OF THIS?"** she snapped, threatening the scared masses with a hand that was glowing a sickly brown color. Her relatives bolted for their rooms and Black Hinata could hear the noises of frantically screaming Hyuugas getting all their shit together. She laughed cutely into the back of her hand which then progressed into a demented cackle before she composed herself again.

* * *

"Hello, wonderful family of my beloved pupil Neji! How may I be of assistance?" asked Gai, who, up until this point, was _still _in search of the elusive Neji. 

They weren't talking to him.

"Ahh, yes. The silent treatment. A Hyuuga trademark I am well aware of since my accelerated student exercises the same traits!" Gai studied the Hyuugas for a bit longer, watching how they, despite being in a rush, still assembled their things neatly away into storage boxes... in a way they looked like ants... their movements were mechanical in a way.

Gai slapped both of his hands to his face. "Wait, you're leaving? Are you moving away? But why? You have a beautiful home!" And Gai continued to annoyone Hyuuga by unpacking the things she had worked so hard to pack before panicking and commencing his huntfor his beautiful apprentice. "I must find Neji-kun! He can't leave me!"

Unbeknownst to the psychotic Beast, Neji was hiding in an attic and had no idea that he was being evicted.

* * *

Hanabi had finally flushed the toilet, rubbing her now empty stomach with a sigh. She, too, was unaware of the things that were happening. The brat was going to regret being such a prick to her onee-san... _really _regret it.

* * *

Within the next half hour, Black Hinata ushered her family out of the doors and into the streets. It was sad, the way they looked back at her... pitifully... and like a dog that did something wrong and was being punished for it... the Hyuugas were whimpering. 

Hinata watched gleefully as they walked into town. It was a mass exodus of Hyuugas, one similar to the Biblical one, but with a severe lack of Cecil B. DeMille's directorial theatrics and Charlton Heston's Moses leading the troupe of Israelites out of Egypt... so it wasn't like the Biblical Exodus at all... only because the Hyuugas weren't a very happy bunch and Hinata wasn't chasing after them to bring them back...

"Awww... I hope you find a nice place to live! Bye bye!" said Black Hinata sweetly as she closed the iron gates with a resolute CLANG.

She looked back at _her _estate. Life was good.

* * *

_Dang! I would write more, but I guess I won't. Sorry for the lame chapter. I just wanted this out and well, sorry for the way it turned out. I'll do better in 22, I promise (kinda, sorta)!_


	22. How Gai Got His Groove Back

_Damn, it's been a long while since I've touched this story... hopefully I haven't lost the "Karma" knack... _

_Again, characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I own nothing but my brain, and even now and then I have to question whether it's in working condition... _

_As you all know, this story is really, really weird. Plot? What plot? Me don't know… _

_Julie: (opens a window) Plot! Plot! Where are you? Come back! (cries)_

_

* * *

_

_Chapter 22: How Gai Got His Groove Back... _

Maito Gai, being the Helpy Helperson he was, decided to help the Hyuugas move into their new temporary abode- the Maito residence! Really, they had nowhere else to go, and because Hiashi went AWOL all of a sudden, the Lemmings, oops, I mean, the _Hyuugas_, had no choice but to tag along.

Besides, Gai had a really big house and lived alone ever since his parents mysteriously disappeared and never came back.

(Insert sad melodramatic violin music here)

When Maito Cy married his childhood friend and Academy sweetheart, Oh Mai, the two had discussed plans on having a home filled to the brim with happy children. With a home that boasted 8 bedrooms, an indoor Olympic-sized swimming pool, spacious back yard and a basketball court, they got started right away with the fun activity of baby making. Twelve and a half months later, when Gai was born, the new parents were extremely overjoyed. Of course, that happiness wasn't fated to last very long. You see- Cy and Mai had no idea what raising a child of Gai's caliber would be like.

They'd learn soon enough… having a child in the house wasn't what it was cracked up to be.

Gai had turned out to be _quite_ a **handful** for the new parents. So much, in fact, that poor Mai had threatened to give Cy a **vasectomy** if they were going to have any more problematic adolescents running around their place.

Gai would often scream in the house for no apparent reason, often about "youth's eternal springtime" or how disgusted he was of his newest rival, Hatake Sakumo's son, Kakashi. Other times he'd race around the village endlessly, or swim 10,000 laps in the pool daily, much to the dismay of his father, or doing his favorite _Dainamikku Entori_s into the dining room before meals, startling his nervous wreck of a mother and causing her good china to come crashing down to the floor in shambles. Because of Gai, Cy and Mai had to buy paper plates, and embarrassingly enough, they had to often resort to serving their friends or other esteemed guests with the biodegradable serving dishes.

Their son also had a fantastically unhealthy obsession with the color green, and LOVED to have his teeth cleaned by the dentist. Finally, after years of having to endure their son's wacky antics, Cy and Mai, each at their wit's end, decided to abandon their home and their 7-year old son for a new life outside of Konoha's village limits.

In the dead of the night, the couple made their escape and later became known as Jackie Chan, noted martial arts actor, and his wife, Feng, a famous Taiwanese actress. Poor Gai would never know what became of his Mum and Pop, since

1. He never watched a single minute of television,

_and _

2. No one had ever invited him to watch a single movie. Being a shinobi-in-training, no one really had time to catch a flick.

Because of these two reasons, he would never be able to comprehend his father's level of stardom, witness how his parents lived lavishly amongst other Hong-elite or Hollywood A-listers, meet his new siblings, or know that his pop had just signed a multi-million dollar deal as the new Diet Pepsi spokesman.

Gai was lonely, though he had never shown it, opting to hide his sadness through exorbitant amounts of training and blindingly white smiles. _Even the happiest clown cries... _(Dude, wtf was that?) O.o

(Cut music)

But all that was going to change now. Bring out the Styrofoam cups and the bottles of Martinelli's apple cider! Gai was finally going to have what he had missed for so long... A **FAMILY**! Whoopee! (Tosses streamers in the air.) Even if they were the thorny Hyuugas.

Gai wiped some excess moisture from his eyes; ever since Lee had left him for The Rock, he had been very heartbroken. Sure, he had friends (Kurenai, Asuma and Kakashi), but they only got to meet twice a week, as they were all busy with other things. Now that the Hyuugas were going to be staying for a while, he was ecstatic! No one had _ever _been to his house before (save for Lee) and as a child he had ALWAYS wanted to host sleepovers!

**"YAY!" **he clapped happily, causing 356 heads to turn his way all at once.

The Hyuugas looked at their surroundings and frowned- just _how _were they going to work with their current living conditions? 51 Hyuugas to a room? (No one was willing to share a room with Gai.) Absolutely not! Weirder still... why was the man always so emotional? Happy, sad, happy, sad… this man was clearly missing a few loose screws!

As the Jounin instructor read the Hyuuga's body language (what body language? They're as stiff as boards!), Gai slapped his face and yelled disparagingly, **"I AM SO HORRIBLE! TO INVITE FRIENDS OVER AND NOT PREPARE SUITABLE SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS IS UNFATHOMABLE! I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO!"** His eyes were aflame as he spoke passionately which startled the already unfettered Hyuugas, some of which were desperately trying to hush the cries of the frightened Hyuuga children.

_'We are SO not your friends,' _the elder Hyuugas thought, trying hard to suppress their disgust.

_'He's scary!' _thought the Hyuuga children.

(2 hours and 42 minutes later...)

**"YOU CAN SLEEP ON THESE!"**

"Bunk beds?" asked _former_ Main House resident Hyuuga Fabio.

**"YEAH!" **He proudly showed off his pearly white teeth.

"No way," he whispered in disbelief. Was this Gai for real?

Gai didn't hear what Fabio had said. Cupping his hand towards his ear, he screamed, **"HWWW-WHAT?"**

"Are you serious? Bunk beds? The majority of us aren't juvenile…"

"They're simply wonderful. I sleep on one myself," he said, in a distinguished British accent. It was true. Gai did have a bunk bed, and he slept on the bottom. When Lee came to sleep over, he'd be on top. Not like that, you perverts... Lee is **_so _**not gay!

"Really..." The Hyuugas were baffled by his sudden voice change...

"**YEAH!**" screeched Gai. And like that, the British accent was gone.

"Um,_ ri-i-i-i-ight._ I guess we'll all get settled, then." _'What a strange man...'_

"**OKAY!**" was all Gai said. And as the Hyuugas walked away to grab their things, Gai said it again causing all of them to jump in alarm. "**OKAY!**"

(See, this is what the authoress gets for watching Dave Chappelle's "A Day in the Life of L'il Jon" right before she works on this chapter. Gai and L'il Jon have absolutely NOTHING in common… other than blinding smiles, voices so loud your ears bleed, and goofy looks. If any of you can think of more similarities, well GOOD FOR YOU!)

The Hyuugas soon learned that life with Gai wasn't half bad. In fact, Gai was infinitely nicer than Hiashi ever had been. He cooked for them, cleaned up after them (insisting that because they were honored guests, they shouldn't have to lift a finger, though they looked down at the fact that he served them food on cheap-o paper plates). Not only that, but he also looked after their children, who were beginning to understand that housed within Gai's adult body was a lonely little child who only wanted friends. (Cough, Michael Jackson, cough.)

The honorable family was slowly beginning to accept Gai and his eccentricities. But how long could the Hyuugas keep up with Gai's happy façade? Pretty soon, the Hyuugas would get to see the _dark and evil side of Maito Gai… _

Or not. It depends on whether the authoress will ever explore _that _chapter of his life… this story IS supposed to be about Hinata!

Speaking of which...

* * *

_We'll have to learn about what happened to her another time! Sorry! Disgustingly short chapter, ne? My deepest and most sincerest apologies. _

_In the meantime, I've been busy writing several other stories, one of my newest which is called "Onegai, Senpai", a SasuHina fic; so if you're into that pairing (and pervy Sasuke), by all means, please check it out! (And review it if you enjoy it!)_

_Thank you for reading! Your beloved Hinata and the rest of the crew will recapture their moments soon! Unless you love Gai and want to read more about his life with the Hyuugas... (authoress runs away...)_


	23. Chicks Dig Jiraiya

_Chapter 23: Chicks Dig Jiraiya_

Black Hinata looked around the now empty household. There was much work that needed to be done. For starters, her relatives left a big mess behind after their **forced** departure and it would take a while for her to clean up the mess had been left behind.

First things first, she needed to change into a pair of cleaning clothes. A white tank (form fitting, of course), the black bikini she sported earlier in the day, and a ridiculously short pair of jean shorts fit the bill perfectly. She kept her locks in place with a Konoha standard-issue bandana and fashioned her chopped locks into messy pigtails.

Next, she needed some music.

She procured a stereo system from the Hyuuga storage closet (one that was used during Hyuuga Karaoke Night- an event that she wasn't allowed to participate in), brought it out into one of the courtyards (followed by yards and yards of extension cords), and tuned the radio to one of her favorite stations.

The moment the Pussycat Dolls' "Buttons" started thumping from the system, Black Hinata, along with a few other scantily clad clones, got to work grabbing brooms, sponges, and tubs and tubs of sudsy water and ventured off into different areas of their large estate.

* * *

Sasuke was the first who regained consciousness, and seeing how Hinata was gone, he rushed home to freshen up, restyle his emo duck-butt hairdo and come up with some plans to win the hand of his lady love. 

Needless to say, there was a big surprise waiting for him the moment he arrived at the gateway leading to his door.

"Yo, yo, yo, whazzup, Little Bro!" Itachi said as he pounded his fist into his chest, threw the confused younger Uchiha a sideways peace sign, and pimp-walked up to him in the courtyard where he proceeded to perform an intricate handshake (you know, the jive ones that all the hip-hop people like to do that I'll never be able to learn because I'm so **damn** uncoordinated and uncool) which frustrated the peeved Sasuke even further as he tried to bat his brother's hand away.

Then Itachi did the unthinkable- he HUGGED his unnerved baby brother. Something that the elder Uchiha offspring hadn't done since, well… EVER.

Snapping out of his stupor, Sasuke regarded his _aniki _for a moment. _'What the FUCK is going ON?' _he asked himself. He glared at his brother, looked him up from head to toe, and balked.

"Why are you here? GET. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE," he said through clenched teeth, brandishing a kunai.

Itachi held his hands out in a placating gesture. "C'mon, L'il Bro, don't be like that. Be cool. I'm all you have left!"

"Be COOL? BE COOL? YOU KILLED THE FAMILY AND YOU WANT ME TO BE COOL? **I DON'T THINK SO!**" With that, Sasuke stormed into the house, grabbed a suitcase and began to hastily pack articles of clothing and his toiletries.

"Where are you going?" asked Itachi from the doorway.

"Out. If you're staying, I'm leaving."

"That's whack. We haven't even bonded yet. C'mere. Give your Aniki a hug."

"Fuck you!" screeched the younger Uchiha, pushing his brother away and reaching into his pouch for a kunai and waving it wildly into the air. "Don't fucking touch me, you asshole! I MEAN IT! **LEAVE ME ALONE!**"

Itachi chuckled and leaned forward in an attempt to grab the weapon and was shocked when it was suddenly plunged into his chest. A metallic clanging sound was heard.

Sasuke dropped the kunai in surprise.

Itachi quickly ripped the buttons of his parka apart and gasped as a few black diamonds and rubies rained onto the surface of Sasuke's polished wooden floor. (See Chapter 21 for reference.)

"My pendant… you messed it up," whispered the former Akatsuki member, Sharingan eyes spinning wildly as he turned to look at his foolish little brother. "Motherfucker, I KNEW I should've killed you, too-"

But Sasuke was already gone, scared out of his wits by a demented brother who was going to disembowel him over a gaudy piece of jewelry.

**"YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! I'LL FIND YOU!" **Itachi roared maniacally.

* * *

Just outside the Hyuuga compound, perched atop a tree limb with a pair of binoculars, was one extremely HORNY Sannin with his hand down his grungy green pants. 

Seeing one Hinata made his Mini Ji quake with excitement. Seeing SEVERAL wet, glistening heavenly Hinata bodies made him ache with lust. He had already blown his load several times after watching Hinata clone Number 4 polishing the dining room table down with Lemon Pledge (he had gotten a very good look down her tank and an EXTREMELY lovely view of her other **ass**ets)... and decided to have himself a little hentai daydream.

**_Inside "JIRAIYA'S EROTIC MIND THEATRE 4000":_**

_"Hinata- you missed a spot," he remarked from his seat at the end of the long table._

_From the other end, Hinata (dressed head to toe in a slutty maid's outfit complete with frills and fishnet stockings) pouted confusedly and slowly sauntered towards the perverted hermit while looking at the high glossy shine of the table. As she bowed in apology, one of her large breasts slipped out, an action that went unnoticed by the shy girl. __"J-Jiraiya-sama... I- I don't know w-what spot I missed..."_

_"Bad girl, you forgot this spot," he said, pointing to his chapped lips. __Hinata smiled meekly as she bent over to lave his mouth with wet kisses. __Jiraiya cupped the exposed mound and pinched her nipple between his second and middle finger, delighting in her broken gasps. He removed his tongue from her mouth and pulled away, earning a whine from the teen beauty. He smiled broadly._

* * *

Jiraiya snapped out of his reverie as he gushed into his pants. Swearing lightly to himself, he noticed his trousers were looking a little worse for wear. He removed them (along with his dampened boxers), hanging them out to dry on a nearby tree branch. 

As he continued on with his sick little fantasy, he failed to notice the few hungry-looking (and rather large) baby birds curiously looking at his big _worm_.

* * *

**_"JIRAIYA'S EROTIC MIND THEATRE 4000" (continued):_**

_He quickly divested himself of his garments, standing stark naked before a heavily-breathing Hinata who immediately fell to her knees. _

_"Jiraiya-sama," she said, grabbing his need and placing loving kisses on the tip and along the sides of his engorged length. "M-may I c-clean this for you, too?"_

_His throaty moan was all the encouragement she needed as she proceeded to give him the best (and most painful) blow of his life._

_

* * *

_

Sadly, as dream Hinata tugged and pulled at his erection, the birds tugged none-too-gently on it as well, giving the noted author of smut novels a lot of wear and tear on his most prized possession.

* * *

As Gaara, Temari and Kankurou walked through the streets of Konoha looking for room and board, they were slightly taken aback by the amorous sounds coming _(pardon the innuendo)_ from overhead_ (again, pardon)._

The moment the Kazekage looked skyward, Jiraiya's come-soaked pants and boxers decided to fall down upon a very peeved and disgusted Sand trio.

* * *

_It's been a while since I've updated this story… Sorry to have kept you waiting all these weeks. Er, just a smidge over five months, to be precise. _

_I actually went back to re-read all the chapters, and seriously, what the hairy heck? Why do you people keep READING this? Maybe I can get us a discount for a group therapy session or two... I'm insane for writing this, just as y'all are for reading it… _

_Unfortunately, I don't know if I have what it takes to continue this story, so I hope a lot of you won't be upset if I decide to discontinue it..._ O.o


End file.
